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The Story Of Castle Wars

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Mattman875

Mattman875

Posts: 3,495 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I think that 'The Crystal Scrolls' is the best idea yet.

Now then... I'll make the thread soon, probably.

EDIT: Hmm... 'The Crystal Scrolls Library'? Naah, probably too long.

17-Jun-2007 20:48:14 - Last edited on 17-Jun-2007 20:49:36 by Mattman875

[#WPO3NUGNZ]

[#WPO3NUGNZ]

Posts: 6,979 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Review of: “The Story of Castlewars” by Poller5.

*Mechanics- 35/50
While your mechanics weren’t flawless, they were very good, and you did not make very many mistakes. I did not see paragraphing errors; there were minimal grammar errors, minimal spelling errors, moderate punctuation errors, and minimal sentence structure. Here are some of them.

Page 1, Post 10
-“Gul’dan reached the hell hounds but before he could attack his body was suddenly frozen.”
Revised) ‘…the hellhounds, but before he could attack, his body was…’
(Any place that ‘hell hound’ appears is incorrect. ‘Hellhound’ is the correct spelling.)

Page 2, Post 3
-“”My Lord is displeased,” he answered in a low hiss, “However…””
Revised) “”…displeased, he answered in a low hiss. “However…””

Page 7, Post 9
-“The night watch reported to”
I am not sure what happened to this sentence. You started a new paragraph immediately after. IT sounds cut-off. I couldn’t tell you how to revise it; you’ll need to take care of it yourself.

Page 10, Post 6
-*As he watched he saw flying creatures above the fortress, but before he could tell what they were they were gone, lost in the growing darkness.”
Revised) “As he watched, he saw flying…but before he could tell what they were, they were gone, lost I the growing darkness.”
(Here I am only correcting the technical errors; I think that it sounds awkward when you use ‘they were’ twice in a row. Maybe you should consider rewriting the end of the sentence?

Those were just a few examples of errors that you have made. There were others scattered about that were similar. However, none of them are that important. Good job on mechanics!

18-Jun-2007 19:50:59

[#WPO3NUGNZ]

[#WPO3NUGNZ]

Posts: 6,979 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
*Plot 70/75

This is one of the best plots I’ve ever seen written. You did a nice job mixing dialogue and narrative together to create a very nice storyline. The endings to most chapters are written very well. The way that you’re blending the different races and their rulers is also a good part to your plot.

All of these forgotten, I think the best part of your plot is the spy/hooded figure/Zamorack relationship that you have frequently visited in the story. You have kept them under a veil of mystery the entire time, leaving the readers to wonder about whom they are. This is a very good writing technique. Similar to this, the new power that Seren referred to raises many questions. That is also a good part of your story, as long as you answer them eventually.

The only problem that I had was the slow moving points that seem to dragon unnecessarily This is a very common problem among authors, though. Nothing to worry about!

*Characters & Emotion- 65/75
You have introduced a good cast of characters so far in your story. I like the varying personalities that you have given them and the way that you have given them perfect matches and mismatches to get along and clash with, respectively.

It is hard to see any development of characters this early on. Hopefully this is something you are in the process of doing as you continue to write.

I like the emotions that you have used in the story so far. You used a great sense of anguish and sadness when you ‘paired’ Malytyrx and the Acolyte (did you say his name?)

The problem was that you didn’t use very much other emotion in other places. I understand that this is still early on, but don’t forget to make them sad/mad when they get hurt in the battle!

18-Jun-2007 19:51:32

[#WPO3NUGNZ]

[#WPO3NUGNZ]

Posts: 6,979 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
*Literary Elements & Description- 50/50
You very vividly described nearly all aspects of your story. The colorful use of vocabulary was an excellent part of this! I could clearly picture everything that you have described to us in the story, and I thoroughly enjoyed doing so!

You also did an excellent job with foreshadowing in your story; Seren’s warning and the hooded figure are two great examples. You also used a lot of imagery that helped with your description; great job with the metaphorical language!

Wonderful imagery!

*Voice & Originality- 45/50
Wars are nothing new, but the way you have described it and the way you have put everything together like this clearly makes up for that. I liked the way you have united the races for the sake of Glienor (spelling?)

Be careful to keep things real and without cliché because it is going to be easy to do when talking about a war.

~270/300 (90%)
This is a very well written story. I love how you’ve incorporated Castle wars into the story quietly. That is a very unique aspect, and one that makes this story even better!

I cannot wait to see how this story continues; if it were a little longer, I’d probably be on my recommended list! Keep writing!

*Congratulations! This story qualifies you for entry into the Yanillian Library! Just fill out an application there, tell them I reviewed you with a 90%, and you should be accepted!

18-Jun-2007 19:51:52 - Last edited on 18-Jun-2007 19:52:03 by [#WPO3NUGNZ]

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