RuneScape Forum Archive | Well Told Tales

Dec

2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Scout574:
Here is your score:
Plot: 18/20
While I believe this kind of plot is both unoriginal and bland, I believe you pulled it off with excellence.
The basic idea of the machine taking over is certainly not new; in fact it’s been a classic sci-fi plotline since the early 30’s. A myriad of small things set this story out of the ‘groove’, however.
For instance: The idea of the self-destruct button being in the bathroom was rather hilarious, and strangely realistic – assuming that the designer of the ship had a sense of humor.
Also, while telling the tale of the end of the human race is not original either, I believe that you managed to do it with ease and style that makes it stand out among other such stories.
Good job.
Adherence to theme: 5/10
I marked you off in this for two reasons.
The first is that the analogy of deep space being a ‘sea* is questionable at best.
The second is that the story was 230 words longer than the rules indicated would be acceptable. As I said, I allowed this because in the past I have allowed such things, but at the cost of a mark off in points.
Grammar: 7/10
Your grammar is quite good, but I did see a few issues that need to be addressed.
One is tense change.
I assume due to the quality of your writing that you know what this is, correct me if I’m mistaken.
An instance of tense change in your writing: “SAM’s AI was ridiculously advanced, and Bhaua has little doubt*
This should be “had”. Changing tense so abruptly does a good job of slaughtering the immersion of a story. It makes the reader stop and think “wait, what?” and then sort it out for themselves.
Another is that “pulseless” is not a word. “Pulse-less” or “pulse less” would work fine, though I would suggest using a thesaurus to come up with a less irregular word.
And a simple typo: “but he did not thing that humanity’s
fate” this should be *think”, obviously. Simple typos don’t detract much from your score though, so don’t worry.

09-Sep-2010 01:59:35

Dec

2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Description: 8/10
The narrative style of this story reminded me somewhat of a discovery channel documentary. That isn’t entirely a bad thing.
The good part is that it effectively conveys an ‘epic’ tale, and allows for a powerful kind of descriptive monologue by the author.
The bad part is that it wreaks havoc upon the more visual descriptions in the story.
I say this because hopping between such effective things as “The Cold is the opposite of life; the Cold is the edict that all movement must inevitably come to its cessation” and such mundane statements as “As I mentioned, Man is a stubborn beast” tends to ruin the former on account of the latter, in my opinion.
I’m glad that you abandoned the narrative after the ‘prologue’. After that, your description throughout the story was quite good in my opinion.
There are a few small things, however, which detract from the descriptive power of any story: One of the chief small things which does this is excessive use of periods for dramatic effect…
For instance: “AI was… threatening… him.”
Another is using multiple occurrences of the same term in a single sentence. For instance: “Before long, however, some of SAM’s mechanized assistants appeared at the scene, surrounding him before long” Note that “before long” is used twice.
While both of these things only occurred once in your story that I noted, they still detract points.
By the way: I don’t know whether to verbally assault you for using “space is the final frontier” in your story, or applaud you for doing it without it being entirely a careless rip off of an old classic. So we’ll leave that one alone. =]
Total score: 38/50
Over all, I think you did an excellent job of telling this tale. Good work.
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09-Sep-2010 02:01:16

Dec

2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Nomercyman1:
Here is your score:
Plot: 15/20
While this idea seems original to me, it also seemed fairly weak. Why would the Mojave Desert be any more important than all the other deserts in the world? Also, what kind of environmentalist group would do something so potentially damaging to the nearby ecology?
There are a lot of questions left open, which isn’t usually a good thing for a short story, hence the deduction in points.
Even so, I gave you extra points for originality.
Adherence to theme: 5/10
The concept of a “sea of sand” is questionable, but I did approve it so you are fine there.
I deducted points though, because the ‘sea of sand’ isn’t really relative to the plot of the story at all, and its only made even mildly noticeable at the very end of the story.
Grammar: 4/10
Throughout this whole story you change between first person present tense and third person past tense.
There are a few instances of third person present tense as well. Either way, the tense change is irregular, and ruins a lot of the story.
Example of tense change: “I folded the paper to listen to it more closely.“ - This is first person past tense. Two sentences down you write “I jolt upright, and run for the phone.” This is first person present tense.
Do you see how this can be confusing?
Also, there are a lot of simply awkward sentences:
“I hope they did*’t need me today. Wait. I’m a General. Why wasn’t I informed of this military activity in the Mojave?“ Not only does this change tense, but it is entirely awkward. You should denote that it is thought and not narrative.
You might say “'I hope they did*’t need me today' I thought to myself, 'Wait. I’m a General, why wasn’t I informed…'" - Even so, the wording is awkward, and I would encourage you to stay away from ‘thought’ sentences unless they’re entirely necessary.

09-Sep-2010 02:03:29

Dec

2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“Hurry! Get that tent set up!’ the leader of the secret ops shouted out commands to his subordinates. “ – Another awkward sentence. It’s too complicated, try simplifying it down.
For instance:“the leader of the secret ops shouted to his subordinates” would be smoother.
In the future, you might try examining your story more carefully for grammatical errors, and fixing them before entering a contest.
Description: 6/10
The description in this story is quite direct. In this case, I like directness, because of the limitations on size in this contest, as it allows for more of the plot to be brought out.
Even so, your description, dialogue, and narrative, are all marred by the numerous grammatical errors throughout the story. I believe if you put some more time into this story, it could be quite good.
But as is, it came across as seriously lacking.
Total score: 30/50
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09-Sep-2010 02:04:26

Dec

2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Crocefisso:
Here is your score:
Plot: 18 /20
I thoroughly enjoyed this story.
I’m glad that you did*’t attempt to mix science into it too much, because the whole idea is fantastical, and seems to me to be a heavily enhanced children’s story, which was quite enjoyable.
I love the strangeness of it all. You never explain why or how the Dog and Cat can talk, though this is supposed to be at some undefined point in the future so any number of explanations would suffice. I’m glad you don’t go into it, as it is part of the fantasy.
The idea of there being a ‘duke of the moon’ also seemed quite humorous.
Also, the end of the story, though it doesn’t really wrap anything up, was quite smooth and I found it a nice close to an entirely enjoyable story. Good job.
There were, however, a few errors in the plotline, mainly just things that don’t make any sense:
For instance, earlier in the story you tell us that the man ‘loaned’ his wife to the Dog and Cat for a night along with fifty thousand gold pieces to repay them for saving him.
Yet later in the story, the Dog asks “Do you have a wife?” - It’s inconsistent.
Also, you wrote: “Seconds later the dog surfaced, minus his tailcoat or top hat, panting as he swam towards the overturned coat. All of a sudden the boat was overturned and emptied of water.” – This is entirely confusing.
By “coat” do you mean “boat”, and if so, why explain that the boat is overturned afterwards?
If you mean “coast”, then “overturned coast” doesn’t make a lot of sense. Either way, those sentences need some work.
Even so, excellent work.
Adherence to theme: 10/10
Though I would say that this story was more centered around the moon than the sea, it was quite literally “on the sea*, so I couldn’t bring myself to deduct any points.

09-Sep-2010 02:06:04

Dec

2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Grammar: 6/10
Your grammar held up pretty well to my scrutiny, though I did notice a few things as follows:
Slight awkwardness: “wooden plank on which he was sat”, I believe you should remove “was” from this sentence.
“before pointing out to the dog and cat, who waited expectantly below.” – This should be “which waited”.
“All of a sudden the shrill, piercing sound of the cat's shrill voice disrupted their pleasant conversation.” – The word “Shrill” is used repetitively.
I suggest using a thesaurus to expand the variety of words used in the story; it will help you to avoid issues like this.
There was a minor typo that I noticed as well: “panting as he swam towards the overturned coat.” This should be, by all appearances, ‘boat’.
Description: 8/10
You do a good job of telling this tale, I believe.
Your vocabulary is large and you have a well developed sense of timing, as for when to use which word.
There was a sharp contrast between your descriptive work and your dialogue, though.
You write at length about the color of the water and the way it splashes against the boat, but the entire dialogue is left quite plain. I actually liked this, as it seems an effective way to present your story without missing out on the more ‘beautiful’ side of writing.
There were a few issues, though, as follows: “Under the blanket of night’s sky, dotted with stars that shone like distant opals, giving off a candescent light in which the world basked peacefully that night.” – This sentence is missing an object.
For instance, if I were to write “He lay under the blanket of the night’s sky*, the object is “he”.
However, your sentence assumes a position which indicates that there should be an object, but neglects to present one.
In my opinion this is a bad way to start off a story, even though the wording is done spectacularly.

09-Sep-2010 02:07:35

Dec

2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Also, when you explain that they are going to climb the moon, you cut right off at that point and move to the next scene.
While I think that this could be effective as a way to punctuate the enormity of your point, I think that in this case a bit of a reaction from the man might’ve been a good idea, because it seemed lacking in surprise to the characters.
Also, I believe you could have removed some of the unnecessary spacing between the dialogue and made room for something to fix this issue without too much work.
Even so, your score in this area is relatively good.
Total score: 42/50
Regardless of its flaws, this story was an excellent read, and I appreciated it very much. Nice job.

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09-Sep-2010 02:08:04

Dec

2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

DragoonRnger:
Here is your score:
Plot: 10/20
You went for a deep, emotional, real story. Regardless of the numerous typographical errors, I believe you did a good job.
While you may have struggled to convey your point, I think your point, being that sometimes even the simplest of comforts can heal the soul, is sound and well approached.
I deducted points because it wasn’t entirely clear what the ‘plot’ was, but I added points because you managed to capture a form of ‘realism’, without sacrificing the plot so much that it was uninteresting.
Adherence to theme: 10/10
While your actual plot is about the sailor and the loss of his father, I believe your story did a good job of capturing something which I haven’t really seen in this contest yet: The pure aesthetics of the ocean.
You take the time to point out (without any nonsensical jargon about sci-fi or fantasy) that, even in real life, the ocean is simply beautiful.
Because of that, I believe you captured the essence of the theme to this contest perfectly.
Grammar: 4/10
There were quite a few grammatical issues that I noted. I won’t cover each in detail here for the sake of brevity, but I will try to generalize so that you can see why points were deducted.
1. Spaces should always be placed after periods, commas, and the end of words.
2. You should always scan your stories, after writing them, for missing words. For instance, you wrote: “The man been sailing since he was 10 with father.” – This should be *The man ‘had’ been sailing since he was 10 with ‘his’ father.”
3. A major thing is tense. Your tense throughout this story is awkward. Though it is admirable to attempt a completely present-tense story, it is difficult, and there are quite a few places where it changes in this story.
Always scan your stories for tense changes, and be sure to decide ahead of time what tense you want the whole story to be in.

09-Sep-2010 02:10:09

Dec

2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

4. Typos and miss-spellings: I know that English can be confusing sometimes, learning when to use apostrophes and commas can be frustrating, but I encourage you to read your stories with a critical eye and look for errors.
Also, try using a spell-checker (you can find them fairly easily online), and look at the changes it makes * that way over time, you will learn to proof read on your own.
Description: 6/10
Despite the myriad of grammatical errors, and the trouble I had discerning what you meant in places, I think you’ve improved a lot in the area of description.
While you are actually ‘talking’ to the reader (which can be invasive if not done properly), you manage still to paint an image, even if it’s not a particularly immersive one.
The image does a sufficient job of explaining what you mean, once it’s sorted through.
This story is very laid-back; it’s descriptive of the emotions involving the loss of a loved one, which can be a very deep thing to write about, even if it is difficult to move others into feeling the depth of sadness and pain which is involved in such a thing.
The main problem I had with the story was that I couldn’t find myself immersed in it, because I was too busy trying to sort out what you were saying. If this story had been more grammatically sound, it would have gotten a lot higher rating in this area.
Nevertheless, it was a good attempt, and I really do look forward to seeing what you accomplish in time, once you grasp the English language better.

Total score: 30/50

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09-Sep-2010 02:11:01

Dec

2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

The scores in order of highest to lowest are:
ITIalevolent: 43/50
Crocefisso: 42/40
Scout574: 38/50
Baron Ogre: 36/50
Azigarath: 31/50
DragoonRnger: 30/50
Nomercyman1: 30/50
Thank you all for competing in this contest. I hope nobody takes these scores too seriously, because they are quite simply my opinions.
Please note that nobody got a perfect score. I hope you all look at this as a chance for improvement, regardless of your position, first or last.
Good work to everybody, and once again I’m sorry it took so long to post these.
Thank you for your patience, hopefully we’ll have a more expedient contest next time.
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09-Sep-2010 02:12:33

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