RuneScape Forum Archive | Well Told Tales

Dec

2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Grammar: 4/5
Considering the size of your story, I did*’t really expect to come up with much here to mark you off on.
But I did notice that some of your ‘sentences’ are fragmented.
For instance, you wrote: “To one side, lay an envelope. To the other, a bottle of ink.” – This should actually just be one sentence. “To one say lay an envelope, to the other a bottle of ink.”
Also, you wrote: “The hand shook. Hesitant. Willing.” – These are not sentences, they are proclamations. I’m not really sure how I would do this better though, myself. Thus I did*’t mark you off for them. But I do think you should consider it. ^^
Also, I write in fragments all the time myself, it’s mostly a style, but it’s still incorrect. As such, you get 4 out of 5 here.
Total grade: 35/45
Over all, your story was very unique, imaginative, and enjoyable, as brief as it was. Excellent work.

10-May-2010 04:55:52 - Last edited on 10-May-2010 05:03:32 by Logan Shafts

Dec

2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

The Level:
I was not looking for any specific length in the stories – just originality. In fact, the shortness of the first two stories posted astounded me, but it also is kind of nice because you guys got your points across without it taking me forever to read/review them. ^^
Here is your review…
Description: 18/20
You did a wonderful job of painting an image in my mind of the woman that your story revolves around.
I quite enjoyed it. My only critical comment here is that I did*’t completely grasp where this “single drop of water” came from until I read it twice.
I assume it is a tear? If so, you may wish to refine that sentence to make it clearer.
Adherence to theme: 5/10
I was not really certain how to grade you here.
A photograph is fairly ordinary. But I did*’t see the extraordinary part very clearly.
You wrote about the sadness (if I understand correctly) which a photograph can bring, but this is not exactly ‘extraordinary’.
Plot: 4/10
I thought that this was the weakest portion of the story.
You did*’t answer any questions for the reader, and the line “Already her memory began to fade.” seems to indicate that she wasn’t that important, which kind of makes the end anticlimactic.

Grammar: 5/5
I found nothing wrong with the grammar of your story. Good job there.
Total grade: 32/45

10-May-2010 04:56:02 - Last edited on 10-May-2010 05:06:32 by Logan Shafts

Dec

2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

NoMercyMan1:
Description: 16/20
You did a fairly good job here.
I noticed that you took extra time to describe the small details like him picking a red tie, etc. This is a style that can be quite effective, and I think you did pretty well at it.
There were some problems though, hence the lower score.
Some of the story felt altogether unnatural, and forced. A good example would be the greeting between your two characters, and their exchange of names.
You wrote: “’My name's Jim Brand. What's yours?’ said Jim, as he searched for the cordless. ‘Uh, Henry Jacobs.’ Henry replied,…”
Perhaps this would’ve felt more natural if you had made them shake hands or something of the like, rather than just casually asking names without first greeting formally.
Adherence to theme: 9/10
You picked a good topic, I think.
An umbrella is fairly ordinary, and near the end of the story you make it into a magical umbrella which changes its holders outlook on life.
I thought that was a fairly good attempt at the ‘extraordinary’ type – thus this is the strongest section in your score.
Plot: 4/10
The downside of your method of description is that it makes your story rather dull, and slow paced.
The plot itself was kind of lacking (magical umbrella and all), but this combined with the slow descriptive style made it kind of hard to read.
Grammar: 3/5
I noticed quite a few minor issues in this stories grammatical structure.
Not typos or failures to spell words – just flow problems.
To make this clearer, I thought I should give an example.
In the first paragraph, you wrote: “He got up, out of his comfy bed, and stood for a moment, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Then, he yawned loudly and stretched his arms.” – This should probably be one sentence, “and then yawned loudly…” would work far better than making a whole new sentence just for his yawning and stretching.
(Continued)

10-May-2010 04:56:28 - Last edited on 10-May-2010 06:03:50 by Logan Shafts

Dec

2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

That itself is a very minor issue, but it isn’t the only instance of this type of flow problem in the story.
Another kind of issue arises near the end of the story. You make your ‘sentences’ too short, missing key components, and more like exclamations than sentences.
For instance, you write: “The sky became overcast. The birds, silent. The road, soaked. The grass, brown. And his boring, old house, plain once more.” – This is a style which may be acceptable in some situations, but I think you should try to steer clear of it (I myself have a lot of trouble, and struggle with doing this in my own stories), because it can easily confuse a reader.
Making the reader go over your story ending twice in order to understand it is usually not going to end up well.
Total grade: 32/45
___________________________________________________________

Rao Bear:
Description: 13/20
I thought you were a little lacking in this area. For one thing, I noticed that words were used repetitively, namely the word “stone”. Also, some of the devices used to explain were confusing.
For instance, you wrote: “The air was slim here.” – Since when is air ‘slim’? Your point is obvious, but the method seems forced.
Also, there were loose ends in the stories descriptive structure: “The sun hid behind the clouds, probably as scared as I was.” – When did you describe that he was scared?
In the future, introductions to the characters emotions should be less obscure.
Moreover, sentences like “I would have proceeded to describe the shopkeepers, but there were none.”, and “--this was nonetheless different.” Stand out as irregular, and don’t fit into the story really at all, while they don’t fit quite enough ‘out’ of the story to be recognized as intentionally so.
On the other hand, you had moments where your analogies came across quite smoothly.
(Continued)

10-May-2010 05:03:47 - Last edited on 10-May-2010 05:15:11 by Logan Shafts

Dec

2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

For instance, you wrote: “She looked up at the sky, like a dispossessed deity; as if she was cast away from her Olympian home and stared up in disappointment and rage.* * I think this is a great example of the method which should be used.
The only thing I would change is to make “was” into “had been”.

Adherence to theme: 5/10
As far as this is concerned, I think you got it half right. I did*’t see much ‘ordinary’ in your story.
The main object (as I understood it) was a statue of a woman, which comes across as bleak, maybe best described as morbid. This is hardly ordinary.
On the other hand, you do encompass the ‘extraordinary’ quite well, so I gave you a half-score in this.
Plot: 9/10
While I think it could’ve been communicated better if you put a bit more time into examining your story, the plot did portray itself nicely in this story.
I wasn’t expecting the end – that’s almost always a good thing.
Also, the story was short and fast-paced, which makes it a more exciting read, and I think pronounced the plot in a rather entertaining way.
Grammar: 3/5
There were a number of grammatical errors in the story that made for a few confusing moments.
For instance, you wrote: “The air was slim here. It was hard for me to breathe.” – This should probably be one sentence. It being two sentences separates the ideas and interrupts the flow of the story, which is especially troublesome so early in the story.
On another note, I noticed a few misplaced words.
In example: “In her left palm, somebody had placed a few blood-red flowers, which looked so much like rubies on an onyx backdrop.” – This should either be “looked much like” or just “looked like”.
When you use the phrase “so much” in a description, it should continue to explain a “that” which should follow afterwords. For instance: “The clouds looked so much like a bunny” doesn’t make sense, but if you add “that I wanted to huggle it”, it fixes the problem.
(Continued)

10-May-2010 05:04:02 - Last edited on 10-May-2010 05:17:51 by Logan Shafts

Dec

2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“So much” and “that” go together, and when “so much” is separated from that, the context around it must change accordingly. If not, it is just awkward to read.
In a more minor instance of this, you wrote: “I faintly saw the dried splatter on the ground.” – I simply don’t think “faintly” is the right word here.
But that is as I said a minor issue, so I didn't deduct points for it.
Total grade: 30/45
***********************************************************
ITIalevolent:
Description: 20/20
I think you did a marvelous job here. I did note a few sentences that could’ve been edited a little to make them more clear, but for the most part these were minor errors, and not really worth mentioning * especially since none of them were worth marking you off for.
Adherence to theme: 5/10
I am assuming that Armadyls staff was the object you chose?
Well, I can see how this could be ‘extraordinary’, but I would hardly describe the magically enhanced and imbued staff of a *god’ to be an object which can be described as ‘ordinary’.
If I’m wrong in my assumption, then perhaps you should look into clarifying the story to make it more obvious what the object you chose is.
Anyways, since you got the ‘extraordinary’ part down, and that is half of the theme, I gave you half of the points in this section.
Plot: 5/10
I gave you a rather low score in this section.
This is mainly because the story was quite confusing, and did*’t tie up well at the end.
I did*’t catch the connection between the first part of the story and the last.
The choice of your ‘object’ for the contest was rather obscure, and there were gaps in the telling of the story which are misleading.
For instance, after the line “For Gielinor.” You move on directly to Dhalak walking through a dungeon.
There should be some kind of indicator (even just a line ----) to tell the reader that there was a passing of time/switching of scene.
(Continued)

10-May-2010 05:04:10 - Last edited on 10-May-2010 05:21:44 by Logan Shafts

Dec

2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Grammar: 3/5
There were a number of grammatical errors in your story. Most of these were minor typos, misplaced commas, or repeated words.
For instance:
Misplaced commas: “He rose from the ground, very much disappointed, sighed, “aw shoot...” and reached between the twigs to retrieve the stones.” – This is confusing, mostly because there shouldn’t be a comma after “sighed”.
Repeated word: “clawed his way along along the tough bough”
Minor typos: “grass in a few metres radius.” – This should be “meters”.
Another one: “his cotton clothing slowly smouldering.” – This should be “smoldering” (but because of the differences between American English and UK English which I am unsure of, I did*’t deduct any points for this – but you should look out for things of the sort).
Total grade: 33/45
Edit: Regarding the "meter" or "metres" thing, I stand corrected - it is alright to use "metre" in UK spelling. Sorry for that.
___________________________________________________________
DragoonR**er:
Description: 9/20
There were quite a few problems with your story. I will attempt to point out most of them so that you can attempt to improve your future stories.
In the first three sentences, you use the word majestic 4 times. This is redundant, as well as being bothersome to the reader.
You should use an online Thesaurus to remedy this issue, by replacing the word with synonyms. Remember, you can do this with nearly any word and it will enhance the descriptive power of your stories.
Also, in the second paragraph, you wrote: “I heard it can be different on the outside, it can be: crimison,blue,green,yellow,brown,black,grey,purple,orange, or a mixture of colors”.
This is rather pointless, you might simply say “a myriad of colors”, rather than going on about all the different colors it might be. Not only does this save space, it is also a lot easier to read.
I would say the same thing about your list of emotions. There’s no reason to make a list like that.
(Continued)

10-May-2010 05:04:17 - Last edited on 10-May-2010 23:09:30 by Logan Shafts

Dec

2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

In the last paragraph, you use a lot of analogies.
Rather than describing each action with an analogy straight up, you should try to mix things up. Saying “like an earthquake” and then “like a wild bull” etc, you will find that your point is rather hidden in the analogies, instead of revealed through them.
Adherence to theme: 8/10
This was by far your best area. Your choice of a book as your object was quite nice. A book is indeed an ordinary object, and you did well to make it into a ‘creature’ in your story, reflecting that a book itself can tell of many extraordinary things, while giving it an element of that property on its own.
Plot: 2/10
There wasn’t really a plot in this story, or at least not one that I caught. Your character sits and begins a ‘long dangerous journey’, which makes little sense to me, because I’ve never thought of opening a book as dangerous.

References to ‘white fang’ were lost on me as well, sorry.
Grammar: 0/5
I feel that I have to point out a number of issues here. I hope that you can examine the following examples and improve your future writing by increasing your understanding of grammatical rules.
For one thing, after any comma or period you should leave a space. In the first line, you wrote: “to face the majestic creature,but* * There should be a space after the comma, “Creature, but** This rule should be applied throughout the story, as it will help people to understand you.
Another thing to examine in your stories is tense. You start the story with “I begin” – this is a first person narrative of present tense activities. But then in the second paragraph you say “I heard” – this is first person past tense. You should watch out for this kind of thing within your stories.
Among the more minor issues in the story, there were some typos, as follows.
You wrote: “these fellings can be happiness,” – This should be “feelings” not *fellings”.
(Continued)

10-May-2010 05:04:28 - Last edited on 10-May-2010 05:26:54 by Logan Shafts

Dec

2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

You wrote: “I release stream from my mouth” – This should be “steam” not *stream”.
You wrote: “My hand shaks like an earthquake” – This should be “shakes” not *shaks”.
These are a few examples (the ones I caught on my first read through) – but you should examine your own stories and look out for things like this. =]
I do hope to see more stories from you in the future, and I hope that you take what I’ve said into account, because I believe it will help make your stories far more enjoyable.
Thanks for participating in the contest. ^^
Total grade: 19/45
___________________________________________________________
Lord Ogre5th:
Description: 18/20
For the most part, the description in your story was enjoyable. You painted a vivid picture in my mind, and it felt natural for the most part (a feat deserving of some points, for sure).
I marked you off some because I noticed that you had some trouble keeping identities straight within the story. I mean the identity of objects (adjectives and pronouns mainly), in case you’re wondering.
This makes the reader have to double-take occasionally, which interrupts the flow of the story rather drastically.
Here are a few examples.
You wrote: “They could be found almost any where, but few people seemed to have what it took to really harness their potential” – The identity of “they” is not in the story. Thus, this is a confusing sentence.
You wrote: “Look at them, he shivered, disheveled, most of them filthy, and in all shapes, sizes and ages.” – Once again, there are identity problems in this sentence.
Firstly, “look at them” should probably be in quotes, since it is his thoughts.
Next, “disheveled” is not applied to anybody (I.E., it’s identity is missing, because it could be either ‘Him” or “Them”).
There should probably be a period after “shivered”, because this would make both sentences more readable, and give identity to “disheveled”.
(Continued)

10-May-2010 05:04:37 - Last edited on 10-May-2010 05:28:52 by Logan Shafts

Dec

2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Adherence to theme: 7/10
I’m assuming that your object was Gold.
If so, this was a fairly good choice. Gold isn’t really common, but if you think of it simply as currency (as it is in Runescape), it is relatively ordinary. Also, your story was about its usefulness and that if used correctly, it can be ‘extraordinary’.
I deducted a few points because I don’t think the ‘extraordinary’ part came across very strongly, and the story did*’t really emphasize what your point was until the last line.
Plot: 5/10
This plot was regular. It wasn’t outstanding, and it wasn’t bad. Hence the score.
The weakness of the plot I believe was mostly due to its blandness, it did*’t go anywhere unpredictable.
Of course, some of the best stories ever written were predictable – but they are usually ‘epics’, which play with the readers emotions in other ways (Thrillers, romance, etc) instead of surprising them.
Also, it did*’t exactly tie up well. I think the last line was kind of weak.
Grammar: 2/5
There were a few grammatical errors I found in your story.
Most of them were minor, and I did*’t notice anything bad which was recurring, but instead I saw a bunch of miscellaneous instances, which are as follows.
You wrote: “concerned not with the snow gently falling from the sky, or the fact his garden may be dying in the weather, but rather on why city Varrock was being so quiet today.” – This changes tense. “may be” and “today” are present tense. The rest of the story is past tense. Also, this should be *the city of Varrock” or “Varrock city”.
You wrote: “none of these could compare to his own power.” – Reflexive Pronoun use. Terms like “his own” are unnecessary.
(Continued)

10-May-2010 05:05:00 - Last edited on 10-May-2010 05:32:12 by Logan Shafts

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