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Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
You wrote: “He sat down in his lounge chair, he would hire new workers in the morning.” – The comma in this sentence should either be a period or a semicolon.
The last part is non-relevant to the first, so it should probably be a new sentence.
Also, there were a few typos I noticed in the story.
You wrote: “Unphased, the men continued” – This should be “Un-phased”, technically.
You wrote: “An arrow wizzed past from no where” – This should be “whizzed”. Also, “no where” should be “nowhere”, it is one word.
Total grade: 32/45
___________________________________________________________
Raising Hawk:
Description: 17/20
I quite liked your story. I thought you did a decent job of writing an image into my head. It was an engaging picture, and reminded me vividly of my own childhood house in winter (for some reason).
This is something that is admirable – bringing up images in the readers mind, from their own life and experiences, is one of the goals of a descriptive writer. It helps them sift into the environment of your story, and here, you did an excellent job of that.
There were a few noticeable areas in which it may have been improved, though.
For instance, you wrote: “He breathed in deeply, enjoying the crisp air… wait, his eyes flew open; the smell was still there.” – This sentence is quite awkward, because of the use of the word “wait” in the middle of it.
Also, you should try to limit yourself to your characters perspective when writing. Making analogies outside of the characters perspective can be confusing to the reader.
Here is an instance of this kind of confusing analogy in your story:
You wrote: “Just like Icarus he too had flown too close to the sun.* This is definitely out-of-theme with the rest of the story.
(Continued)

10-May-2010 05:33:35

Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Also, here are some similar ‘out-of-perspective’ errors in your story:
You wrote: “The bottom step to the front stairs was slightly crooked and wobbled when stepped on.” How could the bird know if the step wobbled with stepped on? Surely the bird doesn’t weigh enough to create such an effect?
You wrote: “The smell was getting stronger now; it clung to the walls of his lungs making it hard to breathe.” – How does an origami bird have lungs?
I did*’t mark you off for this because it is obviously a magical origami bird, so I can’t really deduct points for it having lungs. But keep this kind of thing in mind when you’re writing. ^^
Adherence to theme: 8/10
I marked you off 2 points because origami birds are not particularly ‘ordinary’. On the opposite end, a paper bird coming to life is indeed extraordinary.
Plot: 4/10
I really wish you would’ve named this story something else. The title gave away the surprise of the story – or at least, there would’ve been surprise if I hadn’t read the title first, lol.
I liked the concept behind this quite a bit. A paper bird coming to life over night is rather Disney-like, but it was quite entertaining nevertheless.
I think the plot in this story could’ve used a little boost here or there. It was slow-paced, and with the title being what it is, the end was anticlimactic.
Grammar: 5/5
You wrote: “Encouraged he beat his wings faster, flying up above the roof tops.” – There should be a comma after “Encouraged”.
I must confess that I did*’t read this three times like I did some other peoples stories, because it was long. But I did proof read it and I did*’t catch anything obvious which was worth marking off a whole point, hence the perfect grade in this area.
Good job.

Total grade: 34/45

10-May-2010 05:34:51

Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
These stories were all good, I think everybody did a good job and should be happy with their entries, even though everybody couldn’t win. It was a close competition, and each story had its strengths and weaknesses. Good job to all.
Of course, congratulations to the winner!
Also, I’d like to give a big thanks to everybody who participated in the contest – I hope you had as much fun writing your stories as I’ve had reading them, and I hope you will stick around and post more stories for the sake of fun for your fellow forum goers, as well as for your own growth and education. =]

Edit: If any of you want another contest, speak up! If 5 people say they want another contest, I'll start another.
Also, if you speak up for that, also tell me what you'd like the theme to be. I'll consider any ideas presented.

10-May-2010 05:35:20 - Last edited on 10-May-2010 06:00:52 by Logan Shafts

Esperanza
Oct Member 2019

Esperanza

Posts: 193 Iron Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Congratz Poetic Sigil!! I totally loved your story :D
Also, thanks Logan for the review (I cant believe I got that high in grammar, lol). I kinda had the same feeling about the title, but couldnt think of what else to name it.
I see what you mean about the plot needing a boost. I am going to have to work on that. I've always found it hard to write a decent plot for short stories, so they always end up being rather dull. I'm weird that way lol.
Yes! Another contest! :P I cant think of an idea for it right now, cause its midnight, but I shall give it a go in the morning.
Again, gratz Poetic!! And thanks Logan, I had a blast :P

10-May-2010 06:27:25 - Last edited on 10-May-2010 06:27:55 by Esperanza

Eri Vi
Jun Member 2010

Eri Vi

Posts: 965 Gold Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hey Logan, I'm not expecting any change to the scores, but I would like to point a few things out. :P
Minor typos: “grass in a few metres radius.” – This should be “meters”.
It might be different in America, but a 'metre' is a unit of length, and a 'meter' is a measuring device.
And you were right with smouldering, that's the UK English spelling.
As for the plot, I understand that it wasn't that clear, and I hope to join the two stories together if I continue writing it.
The objects were the wand and runestones. Small items that are 'ordinary,' but when used in the right way become 'extraordinary.' Hence the title 'Sticks and Stones.'
I'm sorry for any confusion.
Regardless! I enjoyed writing it and reading the other entries.
Congratulations on the contest, and I can’t wait for another. Thanks a lot. :)

10-May-2010 08:35:48

Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Malevolent:
Sorry, my spell checker said that it was incorrect, and google was correcting it too so I don't know.
I'm sorry for the confusion as well. Perhaps next time I will avoid making "objects" part of the theme, and instead do something less obscure.
Lord Ogre5th:
That sounds like a good idea. Something on the sea, ect. It would leave people a lot of room to make up their own stories. But we'll have to see what the other contestants ideas are.
I believe the next contest will be judged based on the shortness of the story as well - to see how concise people can be. =]
Anyways, so far we have 3 people who appear to be interested in a new contest. 2 more and I'll set it up.

10-May-2010 19:32:36 - Last edited on 10-May-2010 19:33:27 by Logan Shafts

Aidyn Levet
Jul Member 2023

Aidyn Levet

Posts: 558 Steel Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thanks for the comments, Logan. I realize how dull the story starts off. I now feel like I should have given the story more life and energy, at least when the umbrella is opened.
I struggled with a plot for this story, and focused on the description to compensate :P . I'll try to formulate a sound plot for the next contest, which I would gladly be a part of.
My suggestion for a theme is "(Something) gone wrong".

10-May-2010 21:31:21

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