Ik oClock, here is my review as requested.
Firstly, I am very happy to see a new portion of your story - it's starting to come together, and I hope to see more soon.
I liked the little portion with the angel - its so cliché that almost nobody does it anymore, which makes it not cliché again, lol. Besides that, it was touching.
I'm assuming that this happens before the first story, and that the girl is Tar - one thing that has me confused is that I got the impression that Tar was a young girl, not nineteen. Maybe I misread, or simply embellished it in my imagination, but I thought she was maybe 10 or 11.
Aside from a few typo's, there wasn't much wrong with it grammatically.
Once again, I implore you to try to remain in a single tense. It is important to read your works back to yourself. This may be especially hard to master if English is your second language, or if you have learned other languages, as most forms of communication are less tense-specific than English (at least from what little I know about linguistics).
A few examples:
Sentences like "You should never had met" should be "You should never have met"
The title of the old writer’s book is "A new Begin" - this should probably be "Beginning".
On other thing:
And at the end of the story, "grandsons" should be "grandson's" - Remember, when using nouns an apostrophe with an s always indicates possession, where an s alone indicates plurality.
Keep up the good work - I look forward to your next piece.
09-Apr-2010 04:27:41
