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Mainiac97
Mar Member 2021

Mainiac97

Posts: 2,132 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I’m ever so sorry…

“I’m sorry,” the man whispered. He knelt in the middle of the streets of Falador, blood all over his hands. The liquid pooled around him, staining the shining marble bricks red. The stink was overwhelming; it smelt like rust.
The Falador guard lay next to the man, tongue lolling out, and a massive rip in his chest. Blood flowed from his wound thick and fast, like some twisted scarlet waterfall. A dagger lay next to him, incriminating evidence of the man’s crimes.
The man was a rather plain adventurer; iron plate-body, plate-legs, leather boots and gloves. He had wavy brown hair, and grass-green eyes that twinkled in the sunlight. He had an innocent look plastered on his face; there was no aura of menace around him that usually surrounded a killer.
The young explorer had seen people pick-pocketing guards for money. Even if it wasn’t an honest living, it still paid off, by the looks of it. The adventurer was looking for a living, and this was the best way to make it. Besides, this was RuneScape. The worst you’d get if you pick-pocketed a guard would be a punch to the face and paralysis for a few seconds (or so he thought). How wrong he really was.
He tried pick-pocketing a guard, and got a small amount of coins in return. It was going pretty well, until the guard caught him in the act, and tried to attack him. Before the adventurer knew what he was doing, the guard lay on the floor, dead as a plank of rotting wood.
The young adventurer did*’t know what to do. He was drowning in his own guilt. All he wanted to do was make a bit of money, and now he was a murderer. The adventurer looked at his hands, and retched as the overwhelming stench of blood consumed him. What had he done?
Passing people stared down at him in pity as he sobbed over the dead remains of the guard. He stared at the pile of coins in his bag miserably. He scooped them up, and placed them next to the guard.

09-Apr-2010 13:52:56 - Last edited on 09-Apr-2010 13:56:52 by Mainiac97

Mainiac97
Mar Member 2021

Mainiac97

Posts: 2,132 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“You can have your coins back, sir," the adventurer whispered to the deceased form of the guard. "I don’t want them any more.”
The body seemed to evaporate, and, lying there instead was a small pile of bones and coins. The adventurer’s eyes filled to the brim with unshed tears. Several white knights ran up to him, and grabbed his arms violently.
“I’m sorry,” the adventurer whispered again. “I’m ever so sorry. Please forgive me.” At that, he was frogmarched off to the white knight castle, where he was destined to rot in the dungeons for murder. The adventurer did*’t mind one bit; that was where he felt he belonged. Now he truly knew what the old saying meant; what goes around, comes around.

I hope you enjoyed that.
Edit: I noticed that, for some reason, some parts of the story might be cencored (*). This wasn't on purpose.

09-Apr-2010 13:53:34 - Last edited on 09-Apr-2010 13:57:46 by Mainiac97

Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Mainiac97, here is the review you requested:
Firstly, I wanted to say: Excellent work!
I really enjoyed that story and it’s a great improvement over your last grammatically.
You used some very interesting similes, and I felt as if I was actually standing in Falador watching it.
Also, wonderful concept – as Runescape stories go, this one is one of my favorites.
There were a few grammatical errors, of course. Mainly, I wanted to talk to you about the use of semicolons.
I did*’t see any that were used in any blatantly wrong context, but they are certainly over-used in this story.
Semicolons make the reader have to think more, as they’re a rarely used piece of punctuation in most professional writing. As such, I try to avoid using them a-lot (they are kind of addicting).
You wrote “The stink was overwhelming; it smelt like rust.” – Remember that a semicolon is a separation between two sentences of like nature. A period works just as well for the same thing, unless you have a set of very specific scenarios.
For instance, in this portion it is used correctly in that you are explaining in the second sentence (‘it smelt like rust’) what the stink was like.
But if I were to write: “The chicken laid an egg; A giant squid ate a whale” those are unrelated sentences, and thus a semicolon is uncalled for. That was just to clarify.
The only actual mistake regarding semicolons that I saw in your story was here: “Now he truly knew what the old saying meant; what goes around, comes around.” – This should simply be a colon.
Also, though the comma after ‘around’ is fine for stylistic reasons, in the strictest form of grammatical correctness it is uncalled for (just to let you know).

09-Apr-2010 18:34:48 - Last edited on 09-Apr-2010 20:19:21 by Logan Shafts

Logan Shafts
Dec Member 2023

Logan Shafts

Posts: 3,211 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
So while you seem to have the use of semicolons down fairly well, I suggest that you don’t use them quite so often (especially in a short story).
I know it is addictive, I do it a lot when I don’t think about it; but it is necessary to limit yourself in that regard for the sake of your readers. Lol.
As an off topic note about grammar: ‘Frogmarched’ should be ‘Frog marched’. =p
Anyways, wonderful job over-all, I really enjoyed this story. Especially your similes, you make the image quite clear and you weave your tale admirably.

09-Apr-2010 18:35:29

Mainiac97
Mar Member 2021

Mainiac97

Posts: 2,132 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thanks a lot for the feedback. I didn't know that about semicolons, and it will be useful in the future.
EDIT: Wow! I made it to the favourite stories list. Thanks a bunch Logan! :D

09-Apr-2010 20:07:48 - Last edited on 09-Apr-2010 20:12:24 by Mainiac97

BardZaros
Aug Member 2022

BardZaros

Posts: 245 Silver Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
During the Godwars, at the fortress of Dareeyak, Zarosian forces held their ground as a single mage attacked. As this powerful being charged his magical energy, the archers in the castle fired hundreds of arrows at the mage, but he protected himself with his mighty dragonfire shield. Then he unleashed his attack.
Flames burst from the ground, the ramparts, anything he wanted them to come from to burn his enemies. Much screaming came from inside, he was amused by this and stayed a bit longer than he should have to hear this favorite music, the music of death.
All of a sudden, the fires froze. The ice the burst at the entrace to the castle, and a single figure floated out.
"How can only one freeze fire?"
"The power Zaros bestowed upon me still works, even with his death."
"You fool, you don't even know that your god is still alive. NO god can truly die, especially when attacked by a fool such as Zamorak."
"Why do you hate your god?"
"He is NOT 'my god'. I am simply working for him so I can become a true god. Gods these days don't know how to use their full powers. Zaros was capable of using more than the others, but he still had much more potential. But I know how to use the full potential of a god. I have found an item of the elder gods that would allow me to, but now is not a good time..."
"Why is that?"
"I have told you too much already."
"Lucien, you should have stayed on our side, because now... I have to KILL you." He then sent a barrage of ice at Lucien, but all that happened was a small splash.
"Goodbye Jamarr." Lucien then hit the bottom of his staff on the ground and a giant seal appeared: suddenly a tormented demon arose. "Sorry brother." Lucien heard another shriek, though it was not enjoyable this time.

09-Apr-2010 20:55:11 - Last edited on 10-Apr-2010 20:07:35 by BardZaros

Mainiac97
Mar Member 2021

Mainiac97

Posts: 2,132 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I quite liked your story. it was original, and well-written. I spotted a few mistakes that you could edit, although I'm pretty sure Logan shafts could use his grammar scanner to find more.
Godwars- Should be two words 'god wars' or maybe 'god-wars'.
attaked- don't you mean 'attacked'?
And then he unleashed his attack.- try and avoid starting a sentence with 'and' since it looks a little untidy (although that is nit-picking)
"You fool, you don't even know that your god is still alive." -don't even know IF your god is still alive sounds a bit better (to me).

"Gods these days don't know how to use their full powers, Zaros was capable of using more than the others, but he still had much more potential."- could be split up using a full stop or two.
"Gods these days don't know how to use their full powers. Zaros was capable of using more than the others, but he still had much more potential."

"And why is that?"- again with the staring a sentence with 'and'.

Lucien then hit the bottom of his staff on the ground and a giant seal appeared, suddenly a tormented demon arose.- you could have replaced that comma with a colon ( :) or full stop.
This is only nit-picking, and, as I've said, logan can do a better job at mistake-searching then I ever could. altogether, it was very good, and I enjoyed reading it.

10-Apr-2010 00:52:13 - Last edited on 10-Apr-2010 00:54:21 by Mainiac97

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