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A Voice of the Realm
Quick find code: 49-50-570-60026109
This is good, Resoun!
~Caydock
~Caydock
27-Dec-2009 18:37:20
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Feliz
Feliz
29-Dec-2009 05:35:01
Amazing, Simply amazing. Very detailed, and, if it weren't about a game i already play with familiar places, i would have thought it was a published story
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08-Jan-2010 03:18:39
I read it.
Be careful when you describe massive time skips, such as ones in years, months, ect. These time skips should be given at least two or three paragraphs describing what is happening, such as an order of routine, which you have done, but it could be emphasized more. You want to almost assure the writer that he is not missing anything.
Also, I think the monk's practices could have been emphasized more, things like private prayer, attending church, ect. While there was a decent amount, you want the reader visualizing the difference between the character's past, and present.
One last thing. I think the main character should be at least having some difficulties blending in to the "monkish" way of life. Perhaps give him some frustrated thoughts during his private time, or something similar.
Now, the positives.
This story was one of the most descriptive tales I have read on these forums. Despite there being almost no action, save the prologue, I found myself being drawn in by the devout practice of the monks.
The amount of subtle foreshadowing throughout this story is incredible. Due to the prologue and the first chapter on the main character's obvious past, I found myself almost holding my breath, waiting for something from his past to come back and bite him. Very well done.
For a first story, as you have told me, this is an incredible work. While yes, there is room for improvement, you show writing improvement like someone who had written fictional stories for years.
Keep up the good work; you have truly captured my attention.
- Level -
Be careful when you describe massive time skips, such as ones in years, months, ect. These time skips should be given at least two or three paragraphs describing what is happening, such as an order of routine, which you have done, but it could be emphasized more. You want to almost assure the writer that he is not missing anything.
Also, I think the monk's practices could have been emphasized more, things like private prayer, attending church, ect. While there was a decent amount, you want the reader visualizing the difference between the character's past, and present.
One last thing. I think the main character should be at least having some difficulties blending in to the "monkish" way of life. Perhaps give him some frustrated thoughts during his private time, or something similar.
Now, the positives.
This story was one of the most descriptive tales I have read on these forums. Despite there being almost no action, save the prologue, I found myself being drawn in by the devout practice of the monks.
The amount of subtle foreshadowing throughout this story is incredible. Due to the prologue and the first chapter on the main character's obvious past, I found myself almost holding my breath, waiting for something from his past to come back and bite him. Very well done.
For a first story, as you have told me, this is an incredible work. While yes, there is room for improvement, you show writing improvement like someone who had written fictional stories for years.
Keep up the good work; you have truly captured my attention.
- Level -
08-Jan-2010 15:30:55 - Last edited on 08-Jan-2010 15:36:03 by The Level
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