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Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Yeah, I noticed a lot of them in that first add that starts on page 36. Actually, to be brutally honest, as far as actual writing and not content, I wouldn't consider that up to your normal standards. There was a fair amount of awkward phrasing ("the army moving rapidly towards Falaodor," comes to mind), and stuff that just felt, well, a bit amateur. :S
As for content, I thought it was quite interesting how quickly Lucas coped with his first kill in previous adds, and now he enjoys the killing. It's quite a transition. I'm glad you touched on the destruction of Rimmington, though; that definitely added depth to the chapter.
- -- - -- -
James nodded. “We have about three thousand reserves. I want them sent out in two hours. With luck, they’ll reach Falador by midday tomorrow, if they march fast. Outfit as many as possible with horses and send them ahead.”
“You can’t do that!” Gray shouted.
“Why not, Lord Val’Myren?” James asked coolly.
“You can*t send out the reserves – they’re for protecting the city!”
“And if the Kandarin force conquers Falador and marches on toward us, do you really think that little two thousand troops can stop their force?”
- -- - -- - -- -
There's a minor numerical discrepancy in there somewhere. ^_^
Oh. My. Goodness. F--king *****. I even saw it coming from the intercepted messenger, but I couldn't believe it'd really happen. Damn.
Please tell me you have Gray's fate planned out, eh? And that it's not going to be pleasant?
Anyway (deep breath), there were more typos, though not as many. Excellent job involving the reader, as you can probably tell by my above comments. It's good stuff.
And as soon as I'm done writing this, I'll be doing up your ranking.

11-Oct-2009 03:35:54 - Last edited on 11-Oct-2009 04:08:27 by Chuk

Crystal Smee

Crystal Smee

Posts: 7,994 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Ugh, crap. I shouldn't be that messy. Damn. I will go back and proofread. Like right now. That really makes me mad >_<

Ok. I went through and fixed some awkward wording, as well as the numerical issue. But "The army moving rapidly toward Falador" didn't exist, as far as I could tell. I found it as "The army moved rapidly," and that's what it is in the Word file...
I'm not a good judge of my own awkward wording. If there are any other specifics you find, please point them out.
As for Lucas and killing...I think what I'm trying to convey is that in the moment, he gets caught up in an adrenaline rush, basically...It's the animal instinct thing. He doesn't think about killing in the battle, he's high on the power, he's trying to stay alive...Damn. It's hard writing this so spread out. I always write one scene, thinking, "I'll do this in the next one," and then I wait two weeks, and come up with a different scene to write, and forget what I was going to do. I apologize for this mistake. I keep meaning to have him reflect afterwards, and hate himself for what he's doing, and then he never does...which is incredibly bad writing on my part. I thought I did some of that after the battle on the beach, but I haven't gotten there yet for Falador. I'll make sure I include that in whatever I write next.

11-Oct-2009 18:29:18 - Last edited on 11-Oct-2009 18:48:05 by Crystal Smee

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Yeah, that moved rapidly bit is what I was referring to. Sorry for not getting it exactly right. I feel like there's a stronger verb that indicates rapid motion and would sound better than a fairly, ah what's the word...general? verb coupled with an adverb. Y'know, a verb that can be used almost anywhere because it's so bland? I think that's what I'm trying to say. And that was the only one that REALLY jumped out at me.

11-Oct-2009 19:39:40

Lord Thross

Lord Thross

Posts: 10,809 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Amazing story, simply amazing...
Smeeze, you are the obelisk of emotion, and you pour your energies forth into your stories. This sounds so weird, but it's true; when I read your stories, they take control over me.
They can make me cry, they can make me angry, sad, happy or annoyed. Sometimes I yell at the characters in my head as if that'll set them straight. Yeah, now I sound crazy.
Anyways, please keep writing, this is a great story. Along with one of Chuk's, it is one of the few that has got me hooked.
I've made a list of typos and such for you, simply to increase the readers experience should you choose to work on them; I hope I don't sound too much like Gen during this, I just don't know how to sound nice while correcting typos and such. :P
I wrote it in WordPad, so I'm sorry if it comes out a bit odd. (it usually does with Notepad)
On the fifth post of page seven, Gavin says "won't stop until his got", I'm not sure if this "his" was a typo or if it was used to show how he talks, as in he pronounces "he's" as his.
Last paragraph of the first post of page nine. "they’d send for runners to Falador for aid." This is sort of confusing. They would send for runners to Falador for aid. Did you mean to leave out the "for", or am I perhaps just reading this wrong? Sorry.
On post five of page eleven, third paragraph, you say "telling her inn person", I think you accidentally hit "n" a second time? :P
In the post under, you say "Then he tucked it into his pack" and it's followed shortly after by "Lucas tucked his pack", two "tucked"s and "his pack"s in that short space is sort of annoying to read.
Page thirteen, post seven. Martin says "but it does saying you learned some survival skills, you know?" I think you accidentally added the "ing" onto "say"? "Does saying" is a bit odd to read. :P

28-Oct-2009 10:45:36

Lord Thross

Lord Thross

Posts: 10,809 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Post nine, bottom of the last paragraph, page thirteen. "while he stopped watched them pass." I don't really know what this is supposed to mean. At first I thought it was a typo, and you meant "stop and watched them pass", but now I'm just not sure. What exactly IS it supposed to mean?
Page fourteen, post eight, paragraph three. "It took all his might tear his eyes away." I think you mean "It took all his might TO tear his eeyes away", right?
Post nine, paragraph three, page 16. "And for the second time he came out a deep trance," I think you mean "out OF a deep trance", right?
First post, page seventeen. "Gavin followed his outstretched arm up the hill of the beach." What? I'm sorry, but I didn't understand this at all.
Under what I just mentioned a bit, you switch to Justine; I suggest you add a seperater of some sort between the two, as the two spaces don't work so well. I believe you used three asterisks before? Those were good.
In the paragraph mentioned above, switching to Justine, you write "flinging and arm over her face. " I think you meant "an", rather than "and", right?
Two paragraphs down, you write "He wasn’t mad, though," I suggest changing "mad" to "angry", as mad can be seen as insane. It sort of confuses the situation a bit, in my opinion, is all.
Down to the second paragraph, two posts under, it says:
"It was a face all of
Varrock knew", you should put it all together rather than hitting enter at "of" and starting a new line, it'd make it easier to read. Just a suggestion.
Post six, page seventeen, second paragraph, you say "The beach was quiet finally; it had since the last of the raiding party had thrown down their weapons and surrendered." This is really confusing, I wasn't really able to understand it. Firstly, you say the beach was quiet, and then you said "it had since", the closest I can think of is you meant to write "been" or something of the sort after the first "had".

28-Oct-2009 10:47:17

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