‘Get a grip, Lucas. This is pathetic. You’re seeing this through, ******.
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Eh? Censor?
“Mages!” shrieked someone.
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To me, it always reads better when the subject leads the verb after dialogue.
‘I am a coward,’ he thought to himself. Then, ‘No! Not anymore. I swore it!’
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Up until this point, I thought the internal debate was done well. Here, it seems...I don't know, maybe awkward, misplaced in the midst of the actual battle. :S
I don't know a better way to do it, either, so I've no suggestions. I guess those thoughts in those words just don't seem realistic to me.
Anyway, I think you write battle scenes just fine. There were some grammatical discrepancies in this, but they aren't big and I'm not real sure how to correct them; I just know they're there, so I didn't comment on 'em. Get Genzen back for that. As for the story line, I like how Lucas is finally beginning to make a semblance of peace with his situation. Good development and good action.
Keep up the good work!
01-Dec-2008 02:22:42
- Last edited on
01-Dec-2008 02:58:26
by
Chuk