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Feel the Silence

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Chuk

Chuk

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‘Get a grip, Lucas. This is pathetic. You’re seeing this through, ******.
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Eh? Censor?

“Mages!” shrieked someone.
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To me, it always reads better when the subject leads the verb after dialogue.


‘I am a coward,’ he thought to himself. Then, ‘No! Not anymore. I swore it!’
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Up until this point, I thought the internal debate was done well. Here, it seems...I don't know, maybe awkward, misplaced in the midst of the actual battle. :S
I don't know a better way to do it, either, so I've no suggestions. I guess those thoughts in those words just don't seem realistic to me.
Anyway, I think you write battle scenes just fine. There were some grammatical discrepancies in this, but they aren't big and I'm not real sure how to correct them; I just know they're there, so I didn't comment on 'em. Get Genzen back for that. As for the story line, I like how Lucas is finally beginning to make a semblance of peace with his situation. Good development and good action.
Keep up the good work!

01-Dec-2008 02:22:42 - Last edited on 01-Dec-2008 02:58:26 by Chuk

Crystal Smee

Crystal Smee

Posts: 7,994 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Say what? They restarted TGP?
The censored word, well, apparently I don't know how to spell around the censor...ok, I tried to type it out, I've definitely managed it in the past. I give up. A certain lesser swear beginning with d?

12-Dec-2008 02:43:58 - Last edited on 12-Dec-2008 02:45:33 by Crystal Smee

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Oh, alright.
And yeah, Barlak's brought it back. Any chance you'll be around more over Christmas, or is basketball keeping you busy?
Oh, you think you'll have time to enter my contest in the next week and a half? :D

12-Dec-2008 03:04:09 - Last edited on 12-Dec-2008 03:05:19 by Chuk

Crystal Smee

Crystal Smee

Posts: 7,994 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Sorry, negative on both... :( I'll be around a little bit over break, but I do have a holiday tournament (although our team is kind of...let's just say I won't be totally surprised if we don't advance too far. I don't want to be a downer or jinx anything, but history suggests...Yeah. I mean we've improved, maybe we'll get somewhere, but we already lost our first game :( ) This next week is gonna be a mad rush, though, lots of major exams and such, plus three games this week, so no chance of me doing anything, really, but eat, sleep, basketball, mountains of homework, repeat.
Tonight, though, I think I'll be able to write something. I'm making those edits now, finishing some homework, and then I probably need to work on TD*, I've been neglecting it. =\ Sorry. I should be able to add over break.
Edit: Fixed the things you pointed out, Chuk. I took out those last thoughts, right at the end, and just put in a different sentence there. Hopefully it works better. Thanks again for helping me out. ^_^

14-Dec-2008 22:53:56 - Last edited on 14-Dec-2008 22:59:46 by Crystal Smee

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