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Feel the Silence

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Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Many of them were half-dressed, some tugged on armor as they went; others managed to escape their tents fully armed.
- -- - -- - -- - -- - -- -
If Genzen proof-read this, I'm probably wrong, but I thought I'd point this out. I think the comma should be a semi-colon. In lists like that, I don't think you can separate one part with a comma and the next with a semi-colon.

- -- -
A dark river appeared to be flowing over the hilltop from the west, but as they neared the firelight, of the camp, he saw the glint of steel and realized it was the hordes of soldiers.
- -- -
Now here I'm nearly positive; the comma between 'firelight' and 'of' is unnecessary, assuming you mean the the firelight comes from the camp.

- -- -
The terror he felt was paralyzing: it made his every movement sluggish.
- -- -
I don't believe that should be a colon, but rather a semi-colon as it connects two complete sentences that would stand alone.
Okay, now for some real comments.
Firstly, I love this. It is a great piece and you had me immediately hooked, which I suppose I should've expected, given your reputation. I've not read any of your other pieces, but after being a regular around here for about six months now, I've heard a lot about you; it's all well-deserved praise.
Your word choice is excellent, and I can picture the scenes perfectly in my mind, yet you don't take too much time from advancing that action with that description. That's a very nice balance, and one hard to come by.
A few minor complaints I had:
There were a couple places where I got confused with pronouns, specifically the first paragraph of the third story post; there was one other spot, but it was less noticeable, and I don't remember precisely where it was.
Also, there were a few more minor grammatical errors, mostly commas. They weren't enough to detract from the overall story, and so I won't mention them specifically.
The good parts far outweigh these minor mis-steps and I thoroughly enjoyed reading. Add!

29-May-2008 02:21:34 - Last edited on 29-May-2008 02:32:18 by Chuk

Crystal Smee

Crystal Smee

Posts: 7,994 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thanks a lot. That's a very nice review. ^_^
Yeah, a few of those are typos, especially the random comma. For the first one - can you have a sentence with multiple semi-colons? I'm not strong on grammar...which is probably obvious. =P The last one you pointed out, about the colon - Gen and I discussed that one. I feel like it could be either.
About the pronouns - Originally, I wasn't going to put in his name at first. Then I realized the pronouns were getting confusing, went back, and put in his name in a couple places. Guess I missed a few. I'll look that over, thanks for pointing it out.
I appreciate the comments - very helpful, and I'm glad you enjoyed the piece. =)
~ Smeeze ~

29-May-2008 02:56:30

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