RuneScape Forum Archive | Feel the Silence

Douglini

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“It was summer, and the sun became even hotter further south.”
Should be ‘farther’. Remember that ‘further’ relates to the degree of advancement (like time, for example), whereas ‘farther’ relates to actual distances. As ‘farther south’ is an actual distance between here and there, it is, indeed, ‘farther’, and not *further’.

“Finally they exited the forest altogether and came across a large plain, dotted with palm trees, that stretched out before them until it dropped off steeply.”
This is very awkwardly written, and has restrictiveness issues. Consider this:
“Finally, they exited the forest altogether, and came across a large plain that was dotted with palm trees, which stretched out before them until it dropped off steeply.”
This satisfies the grammatical aspect and improves readability.

“The air smelled of salt and far below, they could hear the waves crashing on the rocks.”
This reads as though the scent of the air is that of ‘salt and far below‘. Consider this:
“The air smelled of salt, and, far below, they could hear waves crashing on the rocks.”
Or
“The air smelled of salt, and far below they could hear waves crashing on the rocks.”
(I’ve also removed the article ‘the’ after ‘waves’ as it was completely redundant.)

“and he had all hours of the night to dwell on it and worry at his fears like a sore tooth.”
I’m not sure that ‘at’ is the correct preposition here. I don’t think we worry ‘at’ things so much as we worry ‘over’ or ‘about’ them.

““Now we have marched further, and tomorrow we are to go to battle again.””
Again, this should be ‘farther’. However, as these are the words of a character and not of narration, you can leave it at ‘further’ if that’s how you wish your character to speak.

“so he might as well try and get some sleep.”
This should be ‘try to get some sleep*.

16-Feb-2009 07:13:59

Douglini

Posts: 6,571 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“Each soldier, as he woke up, first organized his things in his pack. Then they pulled on the armor they had been issued”
You first refer to ‘each soldier’ as ‘he*, yet you then move on to refer to them in the plural. Either is fine, but it should be uniform throughout the description.

“Her father was nodded, tight-lipped with amusement.”
Unless I’m not understanding correctly, ‘was’ shouldn’t be there. I can’t see how someone can ‘be nodded’.

“This would last forever. It wasn’t one simple battle, which he had barely prepared himself for. Now they would have to stop an incoming army.”
I’ve tried to refrain from commenting on prepositions, but with a restrictive element coming into play here, I feel it needs to be addressed. A grammatical reformat is suggested:
“This would last forever. It wasn’t one simple battle for which he had barely prepared himself: now they would have to stop an incoming army.”
This takes care of the preposition, the restrictiveness, and it allows for a nice, complex sentence with a flashy colon in there.

“‘Come on, Lucas, you’ll be fine.’ Martin shook his shoulder.”
This part is confusing, and it could be that Martin is saying these words rather than they being thoughts in Lucas* head. To solve this, just have a line-break after ‘fine’, so that ‘Martin’ begins a new paragraph.

“Commander Ferric at the front of the line had drawn his sword and waved it wildly, urging them along while he stopped watched them pass.”
I think you’re missing an ‘and’ between ‘stopped’ and ‘watched’.

“It took all his might tear his eyes away.”
Think you’re missing a ‘to’ between ‘might’ and ‘tear’.

“The dying screamed piteously, their cries drowned out by the metallic sounds of fighting.”
Change the comma to a semicolon.

“He saw again Martin lying almost peacefully in the sand, felt the tug of his own guilt.”
Need an ‘and’ after the comma.

16-Feb-2009 07:14:24

Douglini

Posts: 6,571 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“She cared about how he would sneak hand-in-hand with her through the castle before dawn in search of snack,”
For someone from such a upper-class upbringing, I find the word ‘snacks’ to be a poor lexical choice. Surely something more like ‘treats’ would be a better synonym?

“how he was content to just sit with her in his arms,”
‘to just sit’ is a split infinitive. Reword it: ‘content just to sit’.

“and realized she had entered the castle near the rose gardens, a maze of gravel pathways around clumps of colorful flowers.”
Change the comma after ‘gardens’ to a colon.

“The beach was quiet finally; it had since the last of the raiding party had thrown down their weapons and surrendered.”
You need the part participle ‘been’ after ‘had’.

“where he would wait for the archers to be mowed down before springing up and begin to fight again.”
Change ‘and’ to ‘to’.

“She was afraid of she opened her mouth, only garbled nonsense would come out.”
‘of’ to ‘if’.

“were he to fall was heroically as Martin had,”
‘was’ should be ‘as’.

“and this one had white bandages wrapped around his chest so thickly he looked like a mummy”
I’d avoid the colloquialism in the narration, and refer to it as ‘a mummified corpse’ (the word ‘corpse’ will help add to the imagery, too).

16-Feb-2009 07:14:44

Douglini

Posts: 6,571 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

You’re definitely improving your grammar. There are some things that I haven’t pointed out, because I know you get depressed when you get too many errors to fix, but I can assure you that this story is much more grammatical than your previous works.
As always, your writing captivates me in a way I can neither explain nor describe. I find myself engrossed in the writing; it flows so well and so seamlessly that I can devour pages in just minutes. I even have to pull myself away from the context so that I might objectively analyse the writing, which is a true sign of talent.
I had thought myself to have surpassed you in terms of writing capability, but reading this story leaves me humbled and awestruck. I had always aspired to reach your level, and thought I had done so, but there are still elements of creativity in your work that leave me trailing by the wayside.
Excellent work.
Now, in future, make sure you let me know when you’re writing new things, otherwise I can’t help you with them and get free hugs out of it.
If you get time, I’d love it if you could continue to read Prevalence again; I miss you on my thread, and you know there are certain elements in which you are strongly involved. I know you’re busy, but do try.
Take care, B.

16-Feb-2009 07:14:57

Crystal Smee

Posts: 7,994 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Sorry, Chuk, it was my last week before vacation, last week of basketball, and it was all really hectic. Now I'm in Florida

I'll add sometime in the next few days, hopefully.
And holy Moses, Gen...did you really make six posts of grammatical mistakes? Ouch. I'd hate to think what it would have been if I HADN'T improved my grammar.

But...since I'm on vacation, fixing grammar would be too depressing, I think. It may be awhile before I fix that stuff...it's just so obnoxious to go back and fix it all. Going back to find the individual posts where each mistake is is just...painful. I want to write some new stuff while I'm here.
I'm glad you enjoyed, regardless. I know you hate reading bad grammar

It gives me so much confidence to hear you say things like what you said about this

I promise I'll keep you updated from now on - I want to talk to you about my current idea anyway.
Anyway, I may add soon...the idea of writing sounds really nice. Actually writing sounds like a lot of effort...I've been lazing around the past two days, something requiring actual thinking might be a bit much

. We'll see, maybe later tonight.
Thanks again, Gen. And Chuk, for being so patient...
- B

16-Feb-2009 21:52:43

Douglini

Posts: 6,571 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

As I said, the grammar is greatly improved. If I were to give it a numerical score, I'd probably give it 8/10 (relative to the rest of the community), which is a large improvement: last time I read something of yours, I'd have placed you somewhere around 6/10.
Definitely write more stuff. I know what you mean about it feeling like a big effort. I find it really hard to motivate myself to sit and write like four pages of work, but I enjoy the feeling one gets after finishing a session and having a complete set of adds to... add.

16-Feb-2009 23:02:12

WintryElf

Posts: 1,194 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Bump!!

20-Feb-2009 20:13:03

Crystal Smee

Posts: 7,994 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Hours had passed, and the sun had set, blanketing the camp in darkness. Soon, however, the night blazed with hundreds of campfires, and was filled with the cacophony of drunken, rowdy celebration of the victory. Lucas had no stomach for the revelry, and wandered along the shore, down by the water. The ocean was a pale mirror in the moonlight, making the stars dance admit the thin silver reflection of the moon. The night air was humid after the rainfall and rancid with the odor of unburied bodies. Word had gone out that they would be buried at first light in a mass grave atop the hill.
He breathed deeply, thinking of the cool air of Varrock, and closed his eyes. His exhaustion felt bone-deep; every inch of him ached and screamed for sleep, but he did not want to rest yet. He wished he could think more clearly. He had almost dozed off before, and the battle had danced across his closed eyelids, sending him into a frightful nightmare. He had woken with a start that caused nearby soldiers to laugh harshly at him. Since then he had stumbled aimlessly along the shoreline, fighting the urge to lie down. Exhaustion was terrible, but better than the haunted sleep that awaited him.
Still, even waking, he could not escape the terrible events of the battle. Martin’s death clung to his shoulders, a heavier weight than the backpack he lugged with him everywhere he went. He kept thinking that he should have been able to do something – he despised himself for being so helpless. It had to change; he had to change. How many more would die at his expense? He came here to kill Kandarins, not his own side.
“Ah, Justine,” he whispered to the silent ocean. “I have failed you. I am not yet a man, or I would have done better today.”

20-Feb-2009 23:52:40

Crystal Smee

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Yet, hadn’t he done enough? He had killed, and he had survived, part of him argued. He served his duty as a soldier fully in that regard. And yet…another had died in his stead. By his figuring, he should be dead. If not for Martin, he would not be here. And so, he had failed.
“I’m sorry,” he choked out, to no one in particular, as the tears stung his eyes again.
He staggered slightly up the slope, then collapsed to his knees before a deserted campfire. His stomach grumbled, but he had no energy to reach for the deserted stew left at the fireside. Its owner must have gone off to join friends. He twisted onto his back and clasped his hands behind his head, staring up at the stars.
Of three things he was certain: One, he had failed in his duty today. This guilt clawed at the inside of his chest, causing him to draw his knees up and wrap his arms around himself for a moment, unable to breathe. Then the sensation faded, and he relaxed, panting. Two, he was capable of more. He would not be here if he was not. Justine’s father was wrong; he was better than this. Three – he would have to prove this. Every chance he got. He must learn to fight, learn to use his sword, and be of some use to this army. He would have to contribute. And in order to do this, he needed help. He needed to reach out, to make an ally. Gavin was clearly out of the question, but surely, he could find someone else.
He stared out across the encamped army, and briefly contemplated joining the celebration. This was his chance to get to know some people. But he was so tired…it was just too much. Before he could move, his eyes fluttered shut, and he was dragged into a dark, haunted sleep.

20-Feb-2009 23:53:32

Crystal Smee

Posts: 7,994 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Lucas awoke the next morning to trumpets blaring across the camp. He sat up, scrubbing a hand across his eyes and staring about with bleary eyes. Around him, tired, hung-over soldiers were rousing themselves, stumbling toward the source of the call. The specific call that woke them was one to summon them to the center of the camp, where the generals’ tents were. Lucas rose to his feet and looked out at the dawn.
It was barely sunrise; the luckiest of soldiers would have got only a few hours of sleep. The first rays of light seeped over the ocean, soaking the camp in pale gray light. The rain was gone, but the sky was still streaked with clouds. Yesterday the sand had been crusted with the blood of hundreds, but the new tide that rolled in was beginning to wash it away, and soon crews would organized to move the bodies and dig mass graves. Lucas stretched languidly, feeling his muscles protest. He was sore, but it was nothing that wouldn’t heal. After taking a swig from his canteen, Lucas joined the slowly shifting crowd of soldiers toward the meeting center.
Why had this meeting been called? Were they finally to know where they were headed next? General Rodric was standing, similar to the last meeting, with the hilt of his broadsword looming over his shoulder. He had received a long **** down his cheek, just below his left eye, during the battle, and he appeared more menacing than ever. Surrounding him were the four commanders and two other generals, each with his hands neatly clasped behind his back. After many long minutes and another blast of trumpet, the army had assembled. The general raised his hands for silence, and gradually they were all quiet.
“First, men, let me congratulate you on your success yesterday. You fought most bravely, and we have the victory to prove it. With some aid from Falador, we were able to beat back the Kandarin invasion. This is a huge step. Well done!” The soldiers cheered, and he had to raise his hands for silence once more.

20-Feb-2009 23:54:20

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Feel the Silence