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Feel the Silence

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Crystal Smee

Crystal Smee

Posts: 7,994 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thanks, everybody. Wint, I'll check it out when I get a chance, although that may be awhile. Chuk, thanks for those very nice comments...I'll try to avoid the cliches. It's good to know I still have readers ;) . I apologize again for the hiatus; midterms started today, things should be slowed down by next weekend, so I'll try to write something then. If I can't...in three weeks and a day I'll be in Florida, and then I can do whatever I want :) Hopefully you all won't have to wait that long, though.

23-Jan-2009 20:01:35

Crystal Smee

Crystal Smee

Posts: 7,994 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
So I have to give up personal things on the internet for nine days because of an English project (we're reading Thoreau). I'm cheating right now but I couldn't do this last night.
Can you guys bump this for me, and possibly my other threads? Thanks a million. I'll be back in a week.

31-Jan-2009 16:49:32

Douglini

Douglini

Posts: 6,571 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Alright, seeing as how you neglected to tell me you were still writing, I’ll just post up what I notice as I read through.

“Some of the people were on fire, dashing around in a panic or rolling on the ground to put out the flames.”
I find the first part to be rather underwhelming. It’s stated in a rather matter-of-fact way, as if it were just something and nothing. The main problem is the nondescript verb ‘were’. I’d restructure thusly:
“Some of the people dashed around in panic, rolling on the ground to put out the flames searing their flesh.*
It’s shorter, more descriptive, and removes the lacklustre introduction (you can edit the last part however you wish: it’s just a quick example).


“The horses had broken free and he had to dive sideways to avoid a shrieking stallion that galloped past, its mane smoking and dark chestnut fur singed.”
The past participles make this a little clunky. Consider the following:
“The horses had broken free, causing Lucas to dive sideways to avoid a shrieking stallion galloping past - its mane smoking, and its chestnut fur singed.”
It’s less of a tongue-twister now, as there isn’t a big *had he had’ nonsense in the middle. I’ve also removed the work ‘dark’ from the description and added the subject to the clause in order to avoid confusion.


“Then it plummeted into the chaos and the earth rocked once more with a deafening explosion.”
For clarity, I’d add a comma after ‘chaos’, otherwise it might seem like ‘it’ had plummeted into both the chaos and the earth, leaving the rest of the sentence not making any sense.


“He fumbled at his neck, fingers wrapping around the silver chain at his neck.”
Repetition of the work ‘neck’.

16-Feb-2009 07:13:14

Douglini

Douglini

Posts: 6,571 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“He pawed at the mess of clothing, armor, and army gear senselessly.”
I’d place the adverb ‘senselessly’ next to the verb that it** modifying (that being ‘pawed’).
“He pawed senselessly at the mess of clothing, armor, and army gear.”
It reads better, and the adverb doesn’t feel like it’s floating out there at the end of the sentence.


“Lately Lucas had been caught up in the flurry of action as the army was shipped out into Asgarnia and then the attack happened, and for the first time in days, he allowed his mind to wander.”
I’d reword the punctuation here.
“Lately, Lucas had been caught up in the flurry of action, as the army was shipped out into Asgarnia and then the attack happened. Now, for the first time in days, he allowed his mind to wander.”
It splits up the sentence and structures the reading flow.


“It wasn’t that he was happy, it was just something to do.”
Change the comma to a semicolon.


“It seemed material, it was so thick and heavy, and it threatened to drown him.”
Change the first comma to a colon, such that it becomes syntactically deductive.



“The cooks were spread out sparsely through the camp, and it was awhile before he was able to chase down the smell of soup that had been tantalizing him and join the end of the line.”
Add a comma after ‘soup’ and after ‘him’, and change the word ‘that’ to ‘which’. It’s to do with restrictiveness of clauses, which I can explain if you want, but I won’t bore you with it unless you ask.


“Lucas saw a person running between the flames, before diving out of the window. Lucas felt tears spring to his eyes as the figure crashed to the cobblestones and lay still.”
I’d change the second ‘Lucas’ to ‘he’, so as to avoid repetition.

16-Feb-2009 07:13:37

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