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"No, sprinting."
~Consider using something more powerful than a comma here. I thought this could be done better.
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I would actually agree. Upon contemplation, I think a hyphen would better suit the sentence. I have a quirk in which I forget the hyphen exists, and so as such, I don't think I've ever used one except within hyphenated words.
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"preventing any skin’* exposure at all."
~Are you 100% sure skin needs an apostrophy 's' here? I'm not, lol.
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I've actually been called on that bit before, and while it's indeed unusual, the apostrophe is necessary because 'exposure' is the noun, which belongs to 'skin.' It's possessive, literally the "the skin's exposure."
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~Just thought I'd put this here because I find this line incredibly amusing to read.
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Hehe. It's supposed to be a sort of amusing twist, as most would never assume the bounty hunter to be female. Think "Metroid."
I always enjoy switching gender roles on the unsuspecting.
THE FOREST
Firstly, allow me to apologize; one skill I greatly lack in (though I've gotten better since the time of these shorts' writing) is creating good titles.
The Forest! The Tomb! The Crypt! (another story of mine, not currently on the forums)
The boredom!
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I wonder how the story really started in the first place, though, how did the adventure start ... but anyway, I'm intrigued.
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That was my intent. Create an intriguing story that pulled you in, explained absolutely nothing whatsoever, and left you with a total "WTF?" ending.

08-Dec-2008 22:26:17

~Unless he is on a HUGE mountain, normally people can't see what's going on a few miles away. If he was on a mountain however, you could possibly make it more clear? (I noticed you used the word 'hillock', but its height really isn't going to let you see what's happening after a few miles.) sounds would also be unlikely to carry across such distance, unless it's extremely quiet, but I would assume the forest to be buzzing with insects though.
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Well, if I recall correctly, the forest itself is depicted as being gorgeous, but completely devoid of all life whatsoever.
Thus, there is near total silence, and actually, in hilly areas, you'd be very surprised how easily sound travels great distances.
Though you're right, that 'hillock' would most likely not be large enough for the distance described, I was going for the impression that he climbed a little ways up, to have the forest break away and a sort of valley open up in front of him.
So while he didn't climb very high to reach the higher point to see down, there was a large expanse below him.
That might've not been communicated very well.
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~Sprinting for a few miles would take ... mmm ... 40 minutes? Is he agile enough to do that?
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It doesn't say he sprinted the entire way; just that he sprinted towards it.
And when I say "a few" I use it in place of "a couple" because for whatever reason, in my mind 'couple' sounds more casual. The town isn't that incredibly far away.
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~Do you have a particular fondness for the word 'verdant'? You have been using it quite a number of times in a short story this length. You may want to change some wording
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I'm aware of that, and I honestly have changed a few of them. It's just difficult to find eloquent, descriptive words for "green."
I'll look through and see how many there are. At the least, I tried spacing them out.
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~Possibly a comma after 'forever'.
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Why not.

08-Dec-2008 22:32:47 - Last edited on 08-Dec-2008 22:33:23 by A White Wolf

"Bodies of women and children lay strewn everywhere, gore laid about them"
~Is it your intention to use the EXACT description again when he revisits the village?
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Somewhat. I had thought that while very similar, they weren't exactly the same in wording. I'll double-check. But yes, they're supposed to be nearly identical.
Thanks for reading.
And by the way, what did you mean about Zaros not being on page 6?
EDIT:
Lmfao, oh. It's apparently on page 5. I copied/pasted the Table of Contents from the Anthology #1 and forgot to change that.

08-Dec-2008 22:34:22 - Last edited on 08-Dec-2008 22:35:16 by A White Wolf

08-Dec-2008 22:45:44

08-Dec-2008 22:46:55

Great. I hope you enjoy it.

08-Dec-2008 23:01:55

~Sprinting for a few miles would take ... mmm ... 40 minutes? Is he agile enough to do that?
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It doesn't say he sprinted the entire way; just that he sprinted towards it.
And when I say "a few" I use it in place of "a couple" because for whatever reason, in my mind 'couple' sounds more casual. The town isn't that incredibly far away.
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:O You're joking! Well, of course you said he walked but ... 2 miles would take at least an hour and a half to get there! Two miles is really far away ... or do I just walk to slowly? (not sure about American but a couple = 2). If you ask me to walk for two miles I'd say: "I'd rather not!"
Although someone as un-enthusiastic as me would always turn down extra, unnecessary walks for a couple of hours, and be generally un-interested in a burning village so far away. That's just me - the cold hearted me!
Oh, and I'll read the zaros story now, since he's my favourite god.

09-Dec-2008 10:11:49 - Last edited on 09-Dec-2008 10:46:15 by Englishkid62

09-Dec-2008 10:46:49 - Last edited on 09-Dec-2008 12:40:37 by Englishkid62

"and continued, farther down and farther"
~Is this the American way to spell 'further'? Or am I mistaken?
"The room was clean once more, except it was not clean as well."
~I see what you're getting at here, but the '**' makes it slightly confusing. I would perhaps consider 'not cleaned well'.
"Raven-black hair darker than the jet of a tomb flowed serpent-like"
~Flow is usually associated with 'water', while this is not a bad description, do consider the fact that other words like 'glided' as well, which has much more of a ghost/supernatural feel to it.
"first fear they'd felt in their not-lives"
~Sorry, I'm not really sure what a 'not-life' is. You mean they're immortal or inhuman?
"From the tip of his black steel and spiked leather boots to the emblem of hatred and sin emblazoned in stained blood upon his purple and red ankle-long overcoat"
~That's probably one onf the examples of over-description lol, it is very VERY long, before a comma, which is - unusual.
Mmm, but it's a very intriguing story. A bit disgusting, but I'm generally unaffected by this sort of thing ... so that's pretty fine, but I was uncomfortable though, if that is indeed your goal. It's probably me but you used alot of words in this and I have to frequently refer (Split infinitive :p) to the dictionary. Well, I wouldn't consider the story got progressively worse, it's just more things for me to spot so I don't appear so stupid saying 'OMG everything is perfect I can't say a thing and I'm ashamed ...' Anyway, glad to be of help. Very interesting stories you have there.

09-Dec-2008 10:50:02

Wolfeh, I have finally finished your stories since you asked me to review them on The Elite's Library (Only a few posts a night). Because they are so breathtakingly amazing, I will give you a very special mark.
Whitewolf492:
Ability to capture reader: 24/25
Spelling and grammar: 20/20
Plot: 15/15
Characters: 14/15
Creativity: 19/20
Vocabulary: 5/5
Total: 97/100

Well done, Wolfeh. You are well and truly elite.
*¡!~^V*-_==/The Elite\==_-*V^~!¡*
-[~•~¡!!¡!The Elite's Library!¡!!¡~•~]- (Now Closed )

Oh, and, English, "Grammer" is spelt "Grammar".

09-Dec-2008 11:03:45 - Last edited on 09-Dec-2008 11:13:56 by Borna Coric