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RS Story Contest - Survivor 2

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Venmi

Venmi

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Thank you, Snow.

Guys, I forgot to mention the time of the new deadline. I will be gone for most of the day on Saturday, so the deadline is November 19, 2011 at 21:00 forum time. Sorry I did not give this info earlier, but for some, you may feel like you have a few extra hours. ;)

~Mitch

18-Nov-2011 22:03:51

Aeraie

Aeraie

Posts: 9,100 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
~Ommetaphobia~

It was a quiet, rainy night as a lone car, holding a lone being, slid into the parking lot of a small, deserted hotel. A stout man in a slick, black rain coat stepped out of the car and shut the door. He walked slowly up to the entrance of the motel, opening the doors.

The man asked for a room for himself, and the woman sitting behind the long desk handed him a key. He smiled politely at her before heading up the two flights of stairs and down a hall to his room. He unlocked the door and stepped inside.

As it was quite late at night and the man had been up from a very early time, he paid no heed to his surroundings as he quickly undressed and hopped into bed, shutting off the light and closing his eyes. The man, however, felt particularly restless that night and thrust open his eyes, staring at the bleak texture of the ceiling. After some time, he turned on his side to look out the window and into the night.

Staring back at him through the window were two large, pulsing eyes. They had pupils so small that they were almost impossible to see; the pupils were engulfed by a sinister shade of yellow that almost seemed to burst out around the pupils, like some sort of bomb. The rest of those two large, pulsing eyes was a bright, crimson red color with small specks of black scattered throughout. The man’s worst fear was ommetaphobia, or the fear of eyes, and this pair of eyes must’ve belonged to some sort of demon. If eyes could smile, this pair would have such a devilish grin that even Satan himself would be afraid. Paralyzed by his own fear, the man froze in place, unable to reach the light switch or turn over to face the other wall.

The worst part about those eyes, though, was that they seemed to be staring at *him*, mocking his actions through the thin window pane. They were so clearly focused, digging sharp teeth into his very being, watching him, smiling at him. In no time in that man’s life, past or future, had he ever seen a visage so horrific.

19-Nov-2011 13:27:50 - Last edited on 19-Nov-2011 13:32:15 by Aeraie

Aeraie

Aeraie

Posts: 9,100 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Finally, the nightmare seemed to end when the man broke the spell, turning over to face the other, windowless wall, shutting his eyes and eventually letting the waves of sleep deprivation take him under.

The man woke up to a bright and sunny morning. He swung his legs over the bed and quickly dressed, cautiously avoiding the window that the eyes appeared in last night. Once his bags were packed and he was ready, he reached for the door to the room and swung it open. Overcome by some strange desire, some strange strand of curiosity, the man whipped his head back to look out that window one last time.

That was when he realized that it was not a window, but a mirror.

19-Nov-2011 13:28:09

Borna Coric

Borna Coric

Posts: 3,785 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
-Thanatophobia-


Waves rolled onto the shore with a constant rhythmic drive, glinting in the modest moonlight as they began their shadowy plight towards the ground. It was a cloudless night; the man looked out to the horizon. His eyes seemed to gravitate towards a particular point on the line, a false firing of signals with regard to the visual monotony.

“I wonder if waves have emotions.”

The stars were staring down at him from the sky, watching as he tensed his face with the thunders of the ocean. They continued to hoist themselves up the beach. A grumbling that began to crescendo from the depths of his stomach offered a harmoniously malevolent note that slowly dissolved to a deafening silence.

“What would it feel like to fall and fade away?”

A wooden plank floated contently across the undulating surface, scraping across the sand as it settled to the ground, the surge disintegrating beneath its step. The timber emanated a harsh deposit of memories that permeated the man. The radiation was akin to that of an atomic explosion, bringing on images in the man’s mind not dissimilar to that of such destruction.

“Do they feel fear?”

The flash of a camera in the distance signalled the introduction of another instrument. A rabid animal began to growl at the man, barking at intervals when sporadic photographers entered the scene. Wisps of smoke-like shroud began to climb from the horizon; they crawled towards the beach with a broken viscosity.

“At least they’re free.”

The man stood up and turned in a practised revolution as his eyes took snapshots of a hundred vistas. Collapsing back onto the sand, he glanced at the stirring woman to his right side. She sat up briefly, the brown stains on her dress transiently capturing the distorted light, before descending to the depths.

19-Nov-2011 15:18:13

Borna Coric

Borna Coric

Posts: 3,785 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“While we’re trapped here.”

A breeze, embellished with directed subito, erupted from the water as the ocean exhaled in an exaggerated sigh. Loose grains of sand were thrust into the air in an orchestrated tempest, dodging the woman’s hair that swung around in battalions of microscopically spiked tendrils. Tiny feet perambulated the expansive liquid; footprints of ballerinas traversed the untrodden land.

“And I don’t mean on this island.”

The man tapped the top of his head with a disfigured index finger, bringing a knife down into the woman’s skull with his right arm. A red rivulet flowed sinfully down to the water’s edge. Producing a box of matches, he lit a pile of sticks that had been arranged in a tepee on the outskirts of the jungle that attacked the boundaries of the beach.

“I love you.”

He stared deeply into the glazing surfaces of the woman’s eyes. Drops of splashed seawater rolled down his cheeks as he removed her clothing, dragging her to the fire by her arms and allowing her to rest. He stoked the growing blaze with a thick stick; water dripped off his cheeks and hissed as it was consumed by the flames. He patted his stomach.

“But I’m a coward.”

He reached down and pulled a gold ring off of the woman’s finger, placing it in his palm next to a similarly blonde halo. Winding his arm up, he tossed the identical rings into the distance; a distinctive splash filled the air.

The man picked the woman up and tossed her on the raging fire.

19-Nov-2011 15:18:22

Borna Coric

Borna Coric

Posts: 3,785 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I got carried away with completing Ritual of the Mahjarrat and ended up writing this at 2am, so feel free to point out anything to fix up as I sleep so that I can correct it on my short stories thread in the morning. Thank you and good luck to everyone.

19-Nov-2011 15:25:45

Venmi

Venmi

Posts: 14,744 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Snowbuster: This entry is extremely chilling. From the introduction to the conclusion, you make the reader feel like there is no hope, that he/she is miles above the earth while climbing a ladder. It feels real, and it is frightening. This is what makes this entry a huge success. I would proofread it again, because there are some sections where a comma would be necessary. The second paragraph, a comma should be after thin. The fourth paragraph, the list of descriptions is a little cluttered, when not all of those need to be there. Besides that, fantastic!

Aeraie: This was interesting. The description was interesting, and you don’t take forever with parts that don’t matter. Once the man is in bed and sees the eyes, you are proper with your descriptions, and it ends up being a quality entry. The thing that nailed the entry was the ending, where he finds out that he saw his own eyes, and that’s what frightened him throughout the night. Wow! Mechanics are fine, so all I can say is great job.

Lebbeh: My mind keeps being tugged in two directions with this one, Lebbeh. On one hand, it is fantastic with the descriptions and the choice of words. However, this really doesn’t capture the fear of death, and to be honest, your familiar style hurt you this time. I would have been a little more careful going in because the essence of death was not captured in this entry, and I don’t mean to go bias here, but I can*t see it, as many times as I read it. The most related to the theme seems to be where he is questioning if “they” are free while “we are trapped here.” This is another fantastic piece of writing, but the connection to the theme isn’t as concise as it should be.

The winner of this round is…

Snowbuster!

Snowbuster will be immune from the next voting round, which will be up soon.

Due to Runewolf12 and Uppercut41 not posting an entry, they are eliminated from the contest, and the next round will be the final round.

19-Nov-2011 22:09:00

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