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Liking it!

Just a few issues I have...

You tend to use a few phrases like "smiled with happiness". I think I can guess he's happy if he's smiling, eh?

Also, you mentioned in the "water" section that he was able to fill a city to the walls with water. If he actually did this, I strongly doubt he would be able to return to Varrock afterwards Basically, it's a little confusing whether he actually did something or simply knew he could.

16-Oct-2011 09:41:28

16-Oct-2011 14:47:53 - Last edited on 16-Oct-2011 14:48:02 by Script Mak3r

Thanks for your inputs!

@GuthixGuy
I think it interesting you mentioned phrases like "smiled with happiness." The reason I said that is because there are a lot of ways to smile. You can smile grimly, cruelly, maliciously, ect. It also adds to the description of his feelings when I do that.

Thank you for reminding me about the water thing. I did not mean he literally went to a city and filled it with water, I just meant that that was the scale of his power. However I will probably change it as it is rather vague. Thanks for the input.

EDIT: Yep changed the water thing haha

@Script Mak3r
haha you are challenging my character eh? Well I already have the next few chapters written, and am revising. I promise his power multiplies...

~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks for your inputs, and fyi, the next few chapters are very interesting if you have completed While Guthix Sleeps.

17-Oct-2011 00:33:43 - Last edited on 19-Oct-2011 02:57:28 by Gandalf-0

Ooh, that'll be me

18-Oct-2011 07:19:54

19-Oct-2011 13:50:17 - Last edited on 19-Oct-2011 13:51:33 by Script Mak3r

Script, are you sure it is possible for a player to have that kind of power? I don't think so.

20-Oct-2011 01:45:24

20-Oct-2011 14:22:23

I'm currently deciding if I want to revise more before I post the next chapters, but I'll just post a little to give you an idea of what is coming up






Chapter XI

Gregory woke up to find a hooded figure standing over him. Jumping up with surprise and fear, he asked,
“Who are you?”
“I am… someone not to be reckoned with. Someone that surpasses your power a hundredfold. However I gained my power in a very… different way then you gained yours. That is what intrigued me.”
“But… Why are you here?”
“I am here to offer a proposition.”
“What*kind…”
“Well, I have watched your movements. All of your movements. I have observed while you gained your power and examined how you used it. But most of all, I was there before you gained it. I was watching when you left your home. And this is my proposition.”
“Yes?”
“If you offer your service to me, and to do what I say, I will show you how to get revenge on your enemies, and most of all, how to get revenge on the god of your enemies, Saradomin.” Gregory could almost see the hooded figure’s eyes gleam within his hood as he said this, although his entire face was hidden.
“Well… I’ll have to think about it…”
“Of course! I will not rush you into a decision. But consider the possibilities. Not only will I do that, but I will even increase your power to the extent that you will be ten times as powerful as you are now. Think about it.”

The figure vanished in a puff of smoke and Gregory contemplated what he had just seen. He wondered who that person could have been, and what his motives were. He was only certain on two things. One, he knew that Saradomin was an evil god. Two, he knew that if he every got a chance to combat evil, he would take it.

21-Oct-2011 02:01:02 - Last edited on 06-Dec-2011 03:32:20 by Gandalf-0

21-Oct-2011 13:53:45

Obviously Saradomin isn't evil, but Gregory doesn't know that.

21-Oct-2011 18:33:19 - Last edited on 25-Oct-2011 00:28:58 by Gandalf-0