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[#E4B29LWTR]

[#E4B29LWTR]

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Thank you, Brent. And yes, a full list would be very helpful. I myself caught a few mistakes but lost them.
I didn't expect Ghost Writer at all. Today is my writing day. Novelist of the Amethyst Library, Ghost Writer of the Ye Olde Story Guild. Next stop, Supreme of the Writer's Pen!
**.,*,.**Showing in Silver, Glowing in Gold`•.,¸,.•´
`•.,¸,.•´¯¥¯`•.,¸,.·Auro, a Mahjarrat·.,¸,.•´¯¥¯`•.,¸,.•´

02-Apr-2008 03:31:04

Venmi

Venmi

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Hey there, Auro. You know about your idea of the Reviewer's Competition, right? Well, I have decided the first story that the competition will use is this one. Is that alright with you? I chose this one... well... because I feel you deserve some credit for giving me the idea. :P
׺°”˜` (V)߆§¢‡, @|<A (V)ITC|-|, ¶@ï/\/ ÍÑ +|-|€ /\/£CK ˜`”°º×

02-Apr-2008 20:11:53

Patriotic Br

Patriotic Br

Posts: 4,503 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Alrighty, I'll get to posting that list. I saved it on Word because I thought you might want it ;)
________________________________________________
|±‡±| Thread Administrator in the Ye Olde Story Guild |±‡±|
|±‡±‡±| -Take what you can get, give nothing back- |±‡±‡±|
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

02-Apr-2008 23:16:12

[#E4B29LWTR]

[#E4B29LWTR]

Posts: 10,317 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
If you publish my story as your own, I swear I'll kill you. XD :D
Mitch -- No thanks, right now I just don't want to get my story ripped in half.
`•.,¸,.•´Showing in Silver, Glowing in Gold`•.,¸,.•´
`•.,¸,.•´¯¥¯`•.,¸,.·Auro, a Mahjarrat·.,¸,.•´¯¥¯`•.,¸,.•´

02-Apr-2008 23:18:40

Patriotic Br

Patriotic Br

Posts: 4,503 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
List One
Trey had showed off his muscles and gave him the *I’m-hotter-than-you* stare.
- This should be "Trey had shown off his muscles..."
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“I wouldn’t miss it for the world!” said Matt.
- I already pointed out that it doesn't show the most emotion.
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“You better not,” said Dallion as he trudged out of the square and back up to the hill where he lived, his one, true paradise.
-This, too, I pointed out yesterday.
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"He then stood up and walked away, drenched in sweat and rain. He had actually struggled to stay in the battle; but the rain helped mask his sweat in front of the girls."
- It's good, but the battle seemed to last about 20 - 30 seconds at most to me, so I was confused at how he could be drenched in sweat when there was so little movement.
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“Oh, a party hat! A blue one to! Very valuable. I'll take that, thank you. Don’t mind me,”
- Simply put, you misspelled "too", in "A blue one to!"
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But it was to late for anything to be done.
- Same as above.
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There was a big brown, with a brown cover and spine
- A big brown what?
"As soon as Dallion heard a snoring he threw the covers off his bed in a flash."
- There are two things wrong here: The first one is that he "heard a snoring" it would fall easier on many ears if you were to put "heard snoring". The second is that it made me stop for a few seconds and think about why he would hear snoring. I mean, you only described Dallion and his father, and the father is dead, so where would the snoring come from?

02-Apr-2008 23:28:51 - Last edited on 02-Apr-2008 23:41:07 by Patriotic Br

Patriotic Br

Patriotic Br

Posts: 4,503 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
List Two
"He dived forward and into the weeds."
- He *dove* into the weeds
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"Zoë faulted over the fence in one jump and rolled into the weeds."
- You put "faulted" instead of "vaulted". That, I know, is a typo
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"...The last sign which pointed west read, ‘Port Sarim, day’s walk’."
- There aren't any mechanical errors here, but one thing that bugged me was that Port Sarim was only a day's walk. The distance from that point to Lumbridge is about the same as to Port Sarim. It just seems out of size to me. Of course, if you meant it like that on purpose, ignore me.
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"...But Dallion began balling his eyes out."
- One does not "ball" their eyes out, you *bawl*.
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"...trying not to act like a criminal to much."
- Again, the dreaded typo appears, this time attacking the word "too".
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"'...in Lumbridge of Draynor Village; otherwise we would have been free decades ago.'"
- This should be "...in Lumbridge *or* Draynor...".
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"'It keep on trying to tell him it’s such a *pathetic* name!'"
- This should be "*I* keep on..."
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"and lifts here up, carrying here to the old man."
- "her" is misspelled twice.
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"He pulled the kn(c)ob and he out in the night air once more."
- He out in? "...he was out in..."?

02-Apr-2008 23:29:11 - Last edited on 02-Apr-2008 23:40:00 by Patriotic Br

Patriotic Br

Patriotic Br

Posts: 4,503 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
List Three
These are just some things that got deleted off the first list on accident.
"As soon as Dallion heard a snoring he threw the covers off his bed in a flash."
- There are two things wrong here: The first one is that he "heard a snoring" it would fall easier on many ears if you were to put "heard snoring". The second is that it made me stop for a few seconds and think about why he would hear snoring. I mean, you only described Dallion and his father, and the father is dead, so where would the snoring come from?
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"...he couldn’t say he was that he was fond of here either."
- It's a simple error, you misspelled 'her' in "...fond of here either." Probably a typo.

02-Apr-2008 23:41:23 - Last edited on 02-Apr-2008 23:42:25 by Patriotic Br

Patriotic Br

Patriotic Br

Posts: 4,503 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
If you are satisfied with your review, please leave feedback on our thread on how we're doing.
Thank you, and have a great day!

________________________________________________
|±‡±| Thread Administrator in the Ye Olde Story Guild |±‡±|
|±‡±‡±| -Take what you can get, give nothing back- |±‡±‡±|
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

02-Apr-2008 23:43:01 - Last edited on 02-Apr-2008 23:43:51 by Patriotic Br

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