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[#42J4VY9ZL]

[#42J4VY9ZL]

Posts: 20,624 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Trey was the town’s bully and ladies man. Nobody helped him bully; but one thing Dallion was jealous of was Trey’s popularity with the town’s girls. They all giggled at the sight of his muscles. This had happened much more than once. Sometimes, when Dallion’s mother had forced him to go into town and socialize, Trey had showed off his muscles and gave me the *I’m-hotter-than-you* stare.
He was surrounded by every single teenage girl in the town. Dallion could barely make out a massive arm, pointing at Matt in the corner, reading the book he had been reading for a week.
Matt was Dallion’* best friend and he had known him for seven summers. He really took an interest in reading, which Dallion admired. He also liked reading. Matt was reading the book called “Delrith: Destruction of Varrock”. He was entranced by it, and for hours Dallion had been forced to sit through a review of how good it was.
~~~
The first paragraph, you put in a "me" when it's a third-person view story now.
Second paragraph was hard to read. Who made the massive arm? Who was reading the book? Matt in the corner? Where were they? You always, always want to include where they are.
"One time when Dallion was in town hanging with Matt, he joked around and tried a feeble attempt on making a bulge in his bicep. Matt, who was reading a book, didn't even look up."

20-Mar-2008 01:26:27

[#42J4VY9ZL]

[#42J4VY9ZL]

Posts: 20,624 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Trey marched upon Matt, the girls behind him.
“Why now?* asked Dallion from his rock as he leapt off it and trudged down the hill. I could make out Trey say, “Look, your loser twin is coming as well. It’s time to bash some heads.” At this, the girls giggled.
I marched down the streets like a soldier and then stepped between Matt and Trey.
“What do you want, punk?” asked Trey like he was being annoyed. “I’m about to crush this loser’s head.”
“Shut up, Trey,” said Dallion defensively and more confidently than he felt.
Trey gasped at this statement. He then burst out laughing. “Did you just tell me to shut up?” he asked in shock; acting like this had never happened to him before.
“Yes,” Dallion admitted calmly, “I did. Now go and leave Matt alone.”
Trey gasped again, like he had just been punched in the gut. “Oh, it’s on, buddy. Fight, me and you, tomorrow in the clearing in the forest. Knives only. If you don’t show, your chicken.” The girls stared in awe and excitement at the same time, like they wanted Dallion’s head to be sliced off.
*Fine. I won’t pass up a chance to humiliate you,” said Dallion.
“Shut up, you idiot,” said Trey, giving Dallion a death stare harder than ever before. “Or I’ll have you crack your skull earlier than expected. Show up at midnight tonight, or you’re a wimp.” He then walked off, never taking his piercing eyes off until he passed the corner, the girls marching behind him as if robots programmed to stalk him.
Dallion extended his hand down to Matt.
“Thanks,” said Matt. “That was brave. But what are you gonna do? Trey will rip your head off if you come, or you’ll be the biggest wimp in Draynor Village if you blow it off!"
~~~
You used the first-person narrative words, like "I" several times. Check on it.
Trey gasping seemed like he was a dying goldfish. Make it so that he faltered in his pace and talk, but was still angry.

20-Mar-2008 01:28:34

[#42J4VY9ZL]

[#42J4VY9ZL]

Posts: 20,624 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
There's still lots of first-person narrative words, like "I" in your reading that was randomly changed with "Dallion" and pronouns. Might want to have another recheck to make sure you switch completely to third person or first person.
This is a lot more better than the other version, a bit more fluid and slow pacing, even though you still haven't really been able to grasp the pacing category. But nonetheless, I like this version a lot more. :)

20-Mar-2008 01:32:42

Scoucher

Scoucher

Posts: 3,837 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hm... The beginning was the best written. One thing in the prologue though that seemed out of place and awkward to me was, "That was the problem with this cavern. If you were transporting things, sometimes it wouldn’t work the way you wanted to. You had to say somebody’s name to transport it to them gingerly, and if you don’*, it will appear from the sky with absolutely no warning and hit some random person unlucky enough to be in the object*s path." It was sort of funny with what happened with that sword, but it was a little random, and the section I pasted here was awkward and didn't fit into the flow of the story at all. I suggest you find some other way to explain the transportation thing.
The other parts seemed to go to fast. It went from the boy being bullied to fighting all of a sudden. You need to show more how the boy's emotions have built up so that he would have wanted to fight. Also, it seemed strange to me that he won the fight.
Another thing. Dallion's father died. Dallion seemed to hardly care. Does he not know his father well? He didn't seem to feel much grief. Be sure to have appropriate emotions.
Parts (namely the prologue) were better than others were. Make sure that you develop the story realistically rather than jumping from one thing to the next.
Keep writing; it'll get better.

29-Mar-2008 18:18:28

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