RuneScape Forum Archive | » Legacy of the Three Kings «

[#42J4VY9ZL]

Posts: 20,624 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“I’ll *never* let a fool have the key!” retorted Tregal. Tregal then slashed upwards, ripping apart the lock of swords as if it were parchment. Tregal drew a key made from tin and copper, and he threw it into the air. It seemed as if the key were screaming because it was so terrified as it soared into the air and back down.
“…as if the key were screaming…”
Seeing as how KEY is singular, it should be, “…if the key was screaming.”
~~~
Tregal made a swift movement and rolled to the side; and the scimitar skid across his face diagonally. Tregal then howled in pain, and kicked Arasis and rage, sending him flying a foot before he hit the stairs once again.
“…and rage, sending him flying…”
That doesn’t make sense. You made “rage” have no place in the sentence, so either delete it or add it into “pain and rage.”
~~~
That was the problem with this cavern. If you were transporting things, sometimes it wouldn’t work the way you wanted to. You had to say somebody’s name to transport it to them gingerly, and if you don’*, it will appear from the sky with absolutely no warning and hit some random person unlucky enough to be in the object*s path.
“…and if you don’t…”
Supposed to be past tense. “Did*’t.”
~~~
PAGE TWO, POST THREE-FOUR. You copied the entire post into the same thing.
~~~
My name is Dallion Goldrider. I’m twelve years old, and I live in Draynor Village. Once the great war started, a found a journal (almost all texts had been burned at the beginning of the war) to write in. I recorded my past in this diary. I do not want you to enjoy this, for this is a tale of tears, death, destruction, love, and everything tragic in war.
“…a found a journal…”
CORRECTION- I. Not a.

19-Mar-2008 00:00:00

[#42J4VY9ZL]

Posts: 20,624 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

As I stared at the sun, I looked down at town, to see a very old man strolling across the courtyard at the town, otherwise known the place to buy seeds and wine.
CORRECTION- Unneeded comma at the end of “the sun.” Also, you wrote, “…otherwise known…” when it should be, “…otherwise known AS.”
~~~
Father noched another arrow. “Give back what you have stolen. Believe you me, I will shoot you.”
CORRECTION- NOTCHED.
~~~
Father silently cursed himself. “It is the key to the fortune of Gielinor. Dallion...before your mother and I were married... we swore an oath to...” he then began couching and then began again, “protect the Legacy of the Three Kings.”
CORRECTION- Coughing.
~~~
“A ruby. It was my grandma’s before she passed,* said Zoë. Before I could say anything, she said, “Start looking.”
CORRECTION- Lowercase the “start.”
~~~
“Nothing,” I replied abruptly, but the old man laughed. “Something large, my girl. A treasure vault. A massive pile of gold, ruby, sapphire, emerald and diamond. And Trey, here,” he said, letting Trey step forward, “will get it for me.”
CORRECTION- Two different speakers. Two different paragraphs.
~~~
“I should turn you in,” said the old man, making me scared. “Son of a Maringol. And I intend you. Trey, if you would like to, you may point it out.”
CORRECION- “…and I intend TO.”
~~~
He dashed for our items and leapt out the window. The drop was only about five feet, and we landed safely and left hastily. We could here the old man yell, “Trey, get those silly children!”
CORRECTION- WE.
~~~

19-Mar-2008 00:00:14

[#E4B29LWTR]

Posts: 10,317 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Holy crud. I've got some editing to do.

19-Mar-2008 00:01:58

[#42J4VY9ZL]

Posts: 20,624 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

As I have noticed with all your other stories that I have read, your writing is almost always better in the beginning than the middle or end. You displayed the boy, who I don't remember, very well in his emotions and jealousy over Trey, and the fighting between the thief and king of Kandarin caught my attention very well. However, the grammar and spelling errors also caught my eye, and extensively delayed my pleasure of reading.
As I said earlier, the writing in the introduction and beginning was good. The middle and the ending of what you have so far wasn't that good. In fact, I don't know why you are writing first-person journal-like stories, because I'm not very impressed with that. You seem to have an able grasp on the third-person view, which is maybe why I was attracted to the battle than the journal/diary entries.
Trey and The Wise Old Man. Too fast, way too fast. It is one thing for a teenage boy to be a jerk, but quite another for him to want to kill and be a major antagonist. You should have maybe slowed down the plot and actually write up some encounters between Trey and the boy, which would have led up to the bank encounter, but you simply chose to make him a fast-paced character, which is NEVER good.
That's all I have to say so far.

19-Mar-2008 00:04:44