Alright, I've read what you've got so far. I don't have much to say given how little there is to judge, but I must say your overall sentence fluency and word choice have certainly leaped to a new level since you took your hiatus from the forums. Very good stuff, and I enjoyed reading it and am looking forward to more. You've got an interesting concept going and I'm curious to see where you'll run with it.
One thing: not sure how prevalent passive voice is in what you've written so far (it may not be in there at all; I can't remember), but make sure to keep it active when you can. In the last post ''Clyde had stepped forward'' could easily be changed to ''Clyde stepped forward.'' Passive voice is appropriate under certain circumstances, but since you're building up to a dramatic one-liner to end the chapter, passive voice takes away from the impact somewhat.
That's all I have to say for now.
20-Jun-2013 22:51:25
