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The Guardian

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Englishkid62

Englishkid62

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Mmm. I've read it. I was a little thrown back by the first description about curtains serving as a door. Is that a description you've seen somewhere, or you made up yourself? I can't seem to associate curtains having the same function of doors having handles, opening etc. Thought you might have meant as in front door/front entrance, or an opening into the building, it would be more suitable, I think.

I also was surprised that you used 'the hovel they called home.' or similar. The tone hinted slightly at the dissatisfaction of the place, either from the author or Rowan himself. If you wish to portray that Rowan wants to leave this place because he's not happy with it, then that's perfectly fine. But he *is* fond of his parents, so that isn't clear cut. Alternatively, you can show us that it is a hovel by describing it and then attach fond memories to certain objects, which I think would make Rowan more of a sympathetic character of humble origins.

I felt some of the emotions could be elaborated upon, though that would be pushing it as everybody's experience is different.

While I was reading, I kept wishing there were more depth to it. My mind was spinning, expecting more beneath the text, but there wasn't any that I found. To improve, I think you need to add a whole new layer of subtlety beneath. So, for example, when Rowan was interrogated, I could easily imagine Parents being nervous about Rowan might be seeing a girl, or that it's about time he discover girls. Or was nervous about that man, and what that man seemed to be proposing. They can bring in an awful lot of embarrassment but it's really fun to write. So I was a little disappointed in not finding any more, because Rowan's path so far is actually very smooth. Characters do/say things to fit in with Rowan's storyline, but not out of their own interests.

But as always, this is nitpicking. I certainly can write nothing like this at your age.

26-Jan-2011 14:39:26

Caydock

Caydock

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Yes, this is a part that I'm preparing to heavily re-work, English. In NaNo you don't really have time to do much subtle hinting. Thanks for the tips. :)

Thanks, Ruben. :)

~Caydock

EDIT: I made up the curtains myself.

26-Jan-2011 19:49:43 - Last edited on 26-Jan-2011 19:50:01 by Caydock

Caydock

Caydock

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Almost. :D

English, I edited the parent confrontation section and will be editing it in. I don't think anything very subtle came across but I'm not sure that would fit in with the character's personalities anyway.

~Caydock

29-Jan-2011 19:15:33

Caydock

Caydock

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I think I did on RoM and The Tapestry. If not, I'll do it at once.

More story:
-
The Guardian
Chapter Two

“It’s just not fair,” Rowan grumbled to himself as he paced back and forth in front of his family’s hut. “How do they expect me to come up with two silver pieces in three weeks?”

The king’s annual feast was a week away and the tournament was two weeks from then. Rowan had been racking his brain for an idea—even a hint of an idea—to make money for three days now. So far he had only come up with asking the neighbors if they had any odd jobs around the home that he could do. Rowan envisioned himself walking up to one of the decaying hut’s residents with that business proposition.

“Hello sir, my name is Rowan. I live down the road? You’ve probably seen me around? Oh, wait, ha-ha, I guess you probably haven’t, seeing as you never leave your home. Listen, I’m trying to make a few coins here and there and I thought you might like me to do some work for you. I could fix your wall, considering that it’s completely blown in. No? Well I could build you a roof as I’ve noticed you don’t have one. You don’t want any help? Well can** say I’m surprised…have fun freezing to death when winter comes. You have a good day now.*

Rowan chuckled at the thought, but quickly became serious again. If he did*’t find a way to make those coins he was done for. His parents had made it clear that he was getting to the tournament one way—by his sweat and his sweat alone.

Rowan kicked a pinecone and watched it sail away, landing with a muted thump on the forest floor some feet away. Strangely, Rowan felt no better after hitting the inoffensive little pinecone. He actually felt more depressed.

29-Jan-2011 23:59:52 - Last edited on 08-Feb-2011 19:58:14 by Caydock

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