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Englishkid62

Englishkid62

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Read.

Not really much for me to say, except the normal things I'd say :P .

Like last time, while technically the story is executed rather well, the plotting could do some work. Compare this with Tapestry (I know you hate it, but just an example), where intrigue is injected into the prose at the beginning, the reader is compelled to find out what happened. Here, it is quite different, for what exactly is compelling the reader to read?

You could argue that:

1) The humour of Rowan going on his adventures and learning about the world.

2) Will he earn enough for the tournament? Will he win the tournament?

Aside from that, I can't really think of anything else at the moment. To me, that's not really enough to sustain a reader's attention for such a long time. For now, we don't seem to get anywhere, you know what I mean? The beginning of RoM and Tapestry did this part perfectly. Not that I'm criticising the writing mechanics, but you need to consider the plotting as well.

16-Mar-2011 10:19:06

Caydock

Caydock

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Thank you for your criticism. It's much needed. :)

Yeah, I'm trying my hand at a different style of writing. One of my favorite authors has mastered the art of filling the first seven chapters or so with normal life and peaceful developments and then blasts in with new ideas in chapters 8-15 then finishes it up in the last 15 chapters or so with intense action.

Also, I'm thinking of this story more as a book than a Forum Novel, and most of the published books I've read don't fill the first pages with intrigue immediately. Some do, granted, but I was kind of tired of doing it. :P Still, points taken, and I'll see in the revision stage if I can't make it more exciting and engaging.

(Do note that chapter five consists of the arrival to Lioper, a poorly-written emotional (bad word for it probably) scene, and the beginning of an action scene that ushers in main characters and the intrigue you've been looking for. I hope.)

~Caydock

16-Mar-2011 15:58:25 - Last edited on 16-Mar-2011 15:59:12 by Caydock

Englishkid62

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I get what you mean. One of my favourite author does that too, but he is an established one, the kind that people flock to read anything new written by him, so he didn't really need to bother about retaining the reader's interest in the very early stages.

As for your novel layout, it is perfectly acceptable. Actually, if you'll indulge me, it is a bit similar with how I approached Brotherly Love as well, a normal, ordinary beginning, then a blast in the middle, and so on. It works well and balances the whole thing out. It can definitely work.

Depends what you mean by 'intrigue' :P . It can be simple things. Why not give Jonathan a particular quest of his own which Rowan has to take part - which would give hopefully enough intrigue for the reader to find out about this mysterious quest as they travel, instead of feeling that they have very little direction or 'goals' currently. When the quest is done, you can return to Rowan's competition, with this first quest somewhat linking back to the whole plot. You see what I mean?

Poorly-written emotional scenes? That I have to see :D

16-Mar-2011 16:08:32

Caydock

Caydock

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And seeing as I'm definitely not established (not even as a Forum Author) I have to add more excitement. Bah. I laugh at those who need excitement to make them read! :P

Yeah, and I enjoyed B.L.

Defintely something to think about. Jonathan's quest? Hmmm...

You shall. Soon. ;) or :( .

~Caydock

16-Mar-2011 17:14:59 - Last edited on 16-Mar-2011 17:15:56 by Caydock

Caydock

Caydock

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Adds:

Chapter Four
-

At noon the following day, after spending a painful night in the open, the landscape turned from hills to forest again. After an hour of riding, they came to a fork in the road. Jonathan selected the eastern fork and they soon broke out of the forest and into sight of Lioper. Rowan’s jaw dropped. Clomulous had seemed big, but if it was big than Lioper was massive. They were facing the city’s eastern wall, and it seemed to stretch for miles in both eastern and western directions. Two immense spires rose in the middle of the wall, framing an enormous gate. A string of small people could be seen entering and leaving the city. Armed guards manned the gate, checking on incoming visitors’ business and wishing those departing a good day and safe travels. Jonathan grinned, “We made it. Beautiful, huh?”

Rowan did*’t speak, but his silence said volumes about his opinion.

The line at the gate wasn’t very long, but it still took a few minutes for each inbound person to be questioned and admitted. When it was their turn at last, the spear-wielding guard looked critically at Jonathan and his shabby horse, then at Rowan and his much nicer steed. “Your names and trades, please?”

Jonathan cleared his throat nervously, “I am Jonathan, a merchant, and this is Rowan, my employee.”

Rowan groaned inwardly. There was that title again.

The guard snapped his fingers at his comrade and the other man moved forward. “Step off of your wagon, please.”

Jonathan did as he was asked and the guard searched through his merchandise, rummaging through the assorted junk near the back and lifting bags of food in the front. Rowan thought he saw a trickle of sweat course down Jonathan’s cheek as the guard checked the front. If the guards found a smuggler’s compartment in the wagon, chances were that they would take the owner into custody, regardless if it was being used for illegal goods or just fancy food and drink.

23-Mar-2011 23:58:05 - Last edited on 23-Mar-2011 23:58:25 by Caydock

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