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~/\Crippled Hope/\~

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Posts: 2,189 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
•~¤Miracular Spectacular Reviews¤~•
Review by: User_Rc101
Crippled Hope, composed by Snake
Plot & Flow: 90/100 = 90%
I love the plot, first off, tip of the hat to you, my friend. I think the progression of events is great, and they all string up nicely. Your story obviously isn’t far into its progression, but so far I do really like the plot events. But the flow is overall WAY too FAST. We blazed by Lumbridge and Varrock, the army and now we’re on an adventure in less than thirty posts. Some of the factors that sped up your plot would be Character Development and mostly Description, which I’ll cover later.
You have a great outline of a story, but you’re rushing it. The rest of my review will explain, but think of it like this:
You have all the great, high-quality ingredients to make the best hamburger or pizza ever in the history of existence. Best tomatoes, dough or bread, ground beef from Japanese cows, etc, etc. It depends on what you leave out and how long you cook the ingredients. If I leave a major component like marinara out of my pizza and overcook it for an hour, I’m going to have a black, tasteless brick. You have all the components, just don’t rush the story.
And then I did*’t get why Drazel just walked into the bar to just basically insult people. To be mean? To be annoying? I think you really just did it to introduce Drazel to Logan, which I did*’t find particularly necessary if they’re vaguely connected and Logan finds out from Aura later anyways.

28-Dec-2008 04:49:16

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Posts: 2,189 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Voice and Emotion: 71/75 = 94%
The voice of your piece was consistent throughout the whole piece, which I loved. Same style, same Snake who’s writing it. In the beginning I was confused why the later-mentioned Drazel had his three other buddies, when they did*’t provide much substance to the harassing of the Duke. Minions? Henchmen? I’m not going to count them against you, because it’s too early in the story, and they might have more significant roles.
Logan and Aura, who are basically your only main characters, have personalities that are there and are clear. My only complaint is that I would want more substance, more description and to their emotions and feelings that make them deeper, more complex.
Character Development: 67/75 = 89%
You did*’t do as well in this category as others. For some reason, I found the characters lacking… motivation and depth, background information. A hamburger without the bun, if you will. I found it odd that Logan was suddenly just like, “Hey! I’m going to go into the war and potentially get myself killed.” I mean, it just seems over reactive, especially when he signed up on the fly like that. Couldn’t there be a less* deadly way to get out of Varrock? Aura*s reason for going into war was also slightly unbelievable. It seemed to me like these guys did*’t see war as a place where you could get yourself killed.
I like how you gave each party hat a different personality to its owner based on color. I think it obviously gave us insight to what kind of man Drazel was. The two main things your characters lacked was a background story, past stories that enriched their lives, and credible motivation.

28-Dec-2008 04:49:27

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Posts: 2,189 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Description: 45/60 = 75%
My favorite part of the whole piece was the beginning, describing the scorching heat and the early-morning. While the quality of your description was good enough, the quantity was lacking. Besides the heat in Lumbridge you did*’t describe the town or the castle or really not even the Duke. It was the same with Varrock and the bar, save the stench. Like you expect the reader to know what the cities look like, or what the inns look like, with very little description.
Your character description was good, but again, it lacked somewhat. Even details in minute characters like the Bartender or the Recruiter—anything can make the story more noticeable, more tangible.
Just make sure to describe things you would notice and that are significant in the setting or surrounding, not details that are down to every last grain of wood on a door. Detail is one of those things were you can easily go over or under board with. Too much, and the reader is bored to tears reading paragraphs at a time. Too little, and the reader gets frustrated that they can’t properly imagine the scene.
Your vocabulary retained a fairly mild level throughout the whole piece. Try using more descriptive, enriching words. For example, verdant > leafy; bright < radiant, etc, etc.

Your vocabulary is like a box of crayons. What intricate Picassos can you create with 12-pack from Crayola? Not much. A 64-pack is great, but imagine the 128-pack. And while crayons are not often recognized as the highest-quality grade of drawing tools, you get my idea.
Lastly, try finding more adjectives like 'calm' for Drazel in the beginning such as 'serene,' 'placid,' 'tranquil,' 'docile,' 'mild,' etc, etc.

28-Dec-2008 04:49:36 - Last edited on 28-Dec-2008 10:40:47 by [#WIK7YQF0Z]

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Mechanics: 29/40 = 73%
Here are some examples of common errors in your story.
“The guards made no move to stop the visitors, as they knew they were no match for the adventurer’s skills.”
The apostrophe needs to come after the‘s’ in ‘adventurers’ to signify more than one adventurer is possessive of the skills.
““I don’t think that would be an option sir.* the butler said quietly.” Comma after ‘option’.
““I do not wish to,” the crowned man said calmly, speaking for the first time. He had a strong, deep, confident voice. “but I will if I must””
If you put a comma after the first dialogue phrase, you’re saying that the sentence is yet to be finished, so you need to replace the period after the last ‘voice’ with a comma. Also, stick a period at the end of ‘must.’ You had the same discrepancy when the calm man spoke again.
“For the first time, the >owned< of the green hat smiled nervously.” I assumed you meant ‘owner?’
“It went straight through his rip cage like paper..." RIP… cage? Rib cage.

28-Dec-2008 04:50:01 - Last edited on 28-Dec-2008 10:38:34 by [#WIK7YQF0Z]

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“Ah.” He said, before changing his tone. “What’s up with that instructor? Did you see him face?” Lowercase the very first ‘he.’
““But this is horrible!” Logan stated, before adding “Did you say war?" You need a comma after ‘adding.’
--
98% of your Grammatical Errors were merely typos, nothing serious, just slips of the fingers. But then again, you did have a lot of typos, at that. I think from the looks of it any habitual stuff might be the hyphenations, but those were quickly elimated I the rest of the story. Oh! And use numbers as little as possible. They make your story sloppy-looking. My advice? Reread your story for just simple spelling errors and when you write in the future be as careful as possible. There were more, but I’d rather focus on the other aspects of the review.

28-Dec-2008 04:50:10 - Last edited on 28-Dec-2008 10:36:51 by [#WIK7YQF0Z]

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Twists and Effects: 38/40 = 95%
From what I’ve read so far, you’ve had very little Twists in your story. I was surprised that Drazel still killed the Duke even though he gave him what he wanted. Yeesh. And the fact that Aura was one of the six party-hat owners, pretty much shocked me. But the fact that you had the evidence to back it up was great.
As you get further into the story, there will be more twists and such. You haven’t had a sufficient growth in your story to provide a cli<cen>matic, blow-everyone-away, major surprise yet. However, what you did have was good, so I commend you. But what twists you had was good, and I can’t argue about the quantity, because we are just really at the beginning.
Originality: 9.5/10 = 95%
I’ve never seen anyone use the Party-Hats in such a symbolic manner. It was like the Pirate Lords of Pirates of the Caribbean, with the seven pieces of eight, or… six pieces of six… whatever.
I have seen the small-town teenager who wants to escape though break out of the town, and ultimately get wrapped up in some saving-the-world type of scenario. Other than that, your story had really no other clichés I can account for, or account for yet. But, yeah, you did good in this category ^_^

28-Dec-2008 04:50:52 - Last edited on 28-Dec-2008 05:08:43 by [#WIK7YQF0Z]

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Posts: 2,189 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Overall Score: 349.5/400 = 87%
Final Thoughts:
I really liked this story a lot. It was quite unique with the plot, and I estimate this story will get quite interesting once we really delve into things. I’m excited to see its progression.
I think you’ve nearly-perfected the medieval teenage persona of your main character, Logan. This story had its highs-and-lows. But this story is still a story of EPIC PROPORTIONS.
Your main things you should work on are Grammar and Description and your Plot Flow, which, lucky for you, are levels that most authors grow in with ease and speed. The string of events your Plot held was great, and made for a thoroughly-entertaining read.
I cannot wait to see the rest as you incorporate more twists and turns and hope you finish this story. Feel free to discuss any points on grading and what-not with me after this review is complete. I hoped I helped even a fractional degree. Until then, Snake. Peace.
-User Rc101
Miracular Spectacular Reviews

(When grading Mechanics, I did take into account your English-style Spelling)

28-Dec-2008 04:51:36 - Last edited on 28-Dec-2008 05:08:29 by [#WIK7YQF0Z]

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