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Wet Rainbow

Wet Rainbow

Posts: 786 Gold Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Also, if you have this kind of syntax: “Hi,” Tim said. “Let’s go out.” Do capitalize the first letter in the second part of Tim’s speech. Always capitalize after a period (I can’t recall any exceptions to this at the moment). You could alternately say: *Hi,* Tim said, “let’s go out.”
The second major issue is ‘then’ opposed to ‘than’. When comparing two objects use than:
“Tim was taller than Bob.”
Use then when saying that one thing happens after another.
“Tim was taller than Bob, but then Bob outgrew Tim.”
Minor Issues:
I did not find all the mistakes. You should reread your story sometime and look for places that are similar to those I point out below:
All the sentences in your first paragraph start with ‘the’.
Generally, it’* best to make sure that no two sentences in the same paragraph start with the same letter. This just makes you vary your sentence structure. You can be repetitive for dramatic effect, or other literary reasons, but I don’t think you were trying to do any of these in the first paragraph.
“Indoors were even hotter, and more infested with flies”
Indoors WAS even hotter. Indoors is not a plural noun.
I think you should still use female pronouns for the genderless person, since they were originally female.
“this adventurer was the forth best that had ever lived.”
fourth
“More importantly, the owner of this particular crown hadn’t been seen in years, and was the most powerful adventurer spotted in at least five, since the red crown owner was spotted battling the mighty King Black Dragon by a group of looters sifting through the wilderness.”
I don’t quite follow this sentence. You should change the syntax.
“Surely an adventurer this powerful would show itself in public.”
Do you mean wouldn’t? And you should use himself instead of itself.
“seemingly acceptant to their own fate.”
Acceptant OF

01-Jul-2008 23:29:36

Wet Rainbow

Wet Rainbow

Posts: 786 Gold Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“But the visitors had no interest in the guards; he was here to meet the Duke to make a deal.”
You use plural visitors, but then singular he. Maybe change the he to they.
“rubbing his temples, more stressed then before.”
than, not then.
“I suppose you’re going to have to kill me.” the duke said quietly.
comma after me instead of a period.
‘He had a strong, deep, confident voice. “but I will if I must” ‘
capitalize the ‘but’.
“This was what he had been looking for years.”
This was what he had been looking for FOR years.
“The sword that would bring the wielder extreme power and strength, the sword that had been used to kill an entire army of Saradominists by itself. The sword that was feared by all, the sword that had been hidden for hundreds of years in an unknown location. The sword of Zamarok.”
Semi-colons, dashes, and/or commas would be much more effective here. I’m not grammatically adept enough to know exactly how you would pull it off, but maybe like:
The sword that would bring the wielder extreme power and strength; the sword that had been used to kill an entire army of Saradominists by itself; the sword that was feared by all; the sword that had been hidden for hundreds of years in an unknown location - the sword of Zamarok.
“It went straight through his rip cage like paper”
Unless you’re trying to communicate that the duke has ripped abs, you should probably use rib instead of rip here.
I do not see how a sword would pull the duke’s heart out. If it is a sharp sword, it would merely sever the heart and its blade would protrude through the duke’s back.
“Good thanks John.” he replied half-heartedly.
There should be a comma in his speech, such as “Good, thanks John”.
“normal, his eyes were a dark and intelligent”
take out the ‘a’.
visit a bunch of worthless slobs such as yourselves.” he said flatly.
comma after yourselves.
Prepare yourselves.” he finished.
comma after yourselves.

01-Jul-2008 23:29:54

Wet Rainbow

Wet Rainbow

Posts: 786 Gold Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Prepare yourselves.” he finished.
comma after yourselves.
“You’ll see.* the man said, before exiting the bar.
again, a comma after see, not a period.
no doubt arousing trouble” the major of Draynor said.
comma after trouble.
“a desert man said slowly. “these adventurers...”
capitalize these.
“We’d have to arouse a huge army to defeat them”
Arouse is...erm...intersting word choice. o_O
“It very early morning, but it wasn’t cold.”
It WAS very early
“who’d want to be around ‘the orphan boy’.”
This should have a question mark at the end.
Defend you city! Become a hero!”
your
“Fivety coins would be welcome money.”
Fifty not fivety...
“Logan signed after a moments hesitation.”
moment’s
“You will attend a training session on Monday.” he replied.
comma after Monday.
“The hands were together. 5:25”
The hands wouldn’t technically be together at 5:25...
“he had some cold porridge, more then he would normally have”
When comparing things use ‘than’ rather than ‘then’.
“There were more then thirty”
than, not then.
“Five meter high fences surrounded it”
Five-meter-high
“What’s up with that instructor? Did you see him face?”
his, not him.
“he was more skilled at archery then he’d thought”
than, not then.
“He was smaller and younger then most of the other trainees”
than again.
“in a sword fight in less then ten seconds”
and again...than
“He moved faster then Logan”
and again...well, you get the picture. I’ll stop commenting on these.
“Most of them seek power and wealth, but not just gold or jewellery”
take out the ‘but’.
“and the owned is said to be able to communicate with animals”
owner
“he green hat’s owner has a yearn for power and glory”
yearning instead of yearn

01-Jul-2008 23:30:14

Wet Rainbow

Wet Rainbow

Posts: 786 Gold Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“as well as determine weather something is wealthy.”
whether, not weather.
““Its not every day you see them recruiting people on the street.” he said.”
it’s (and you should say *those recruiting people’ unless *them’ is part of the character’s vernacular)
Also, you need a comma after street instead of a period.
‘“That’s a bit of a dumb thing to suggest” he replied quickly’
comma after suggest.
“You’d think when someone get old they’d pass it on to someone young, wouldn’t you?”
gets
“and heard you’re story, aren’t I?“
your, not you’re
“if he volunteered not to go he’d be giving up him dream of adventure”
his, not him
“Okay.” he said.
comma after okay
“They together seemed to aim for a single destination; Varrock.”
colon instead of a semi-colon
“most notably an adament sword”
adamant?
“One room, two beds.” Aura said.
comma after beds
“the man said. “enjoy your stay.””
capitalize enjoy
“Tommorrow, we start our quest.” Aura mumbled.
comma after quest
“so Logan did he best to be quiet”
his, not he
“Good morning” Logan replied.
comma after morning.
“for a scorching day.” he said, “
comma after day.
“As he did s, he realized he did*’t”
you missed the o in so.

Flow 27/30:
For the most part, your story read very well. There were a few confusing places, though:
During the scene with logan and the bartender you use ‘he’ instead of the characters’ names a lot. It gets confusing at times trying to discern which character is doing the actions.
This keeps on happening later in your story. A few of the more confusing ones are:
Except for John, but he could barely be counted because he never STOPPED talking. He sat perfectly still and watched the sunrise.
“Okay, where do I sign?” he said.
“Here,” he said, holding out a pen and paper.
He turned to express his concern to the guard, but he ignored him.

01-Jul-2008 23:30:44

Wet Rainbow

Wet Rainbow

Posts: 786 Gold Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Apart from this, there were several places where I felt the flow was disrupted. A few were to do with repetitive words or syntax:
“so it wasn’t exactly silent. Until the bar door burst open. Everyone stopped and stared at the new arrival.”
Major flow break. *Until the bar door burst open* is not its own sentence, and it does not stand well by itself, even for dramatic effect.
“They were awoken at 6, before being forced to do a hundred press-ups before they were allowed to have breakfast.”
You use before twice in this sentence. Try to find a way to reword it so that you don’t have this repetitive structure.
“to try and stop whatever evil plan that adventurer had planned.“
this is repetitive; you use plan twice.

Interest- Does the story grab my attention and hold it? 20/20
My interest is definitely held. As I have said before, this was a very unique story. You also keep on adding new, interesting things such as the character Aura, which keep the story moving along very nicely. You also don’t spend too much time describing any particular scene. This was a very enjoyable read.

Pizzazz- Extra credit for anything outstanding. 8/10
I loved the comedy! From the intro’s description of only those people with shirts on braving the bugs in the street to the description of the training grounds, the comedic effect was magnificent.
I really liked the following line, where you poke fun at the RS random event:
“Five hours later, that excitement had been replaced by a mix of pain and fear. He had only done four exercises so far: press-ups, sit ups, star jumps and jogging on the spot. Logan wouldn’t usually associate those with army training, but he saw why they were needed.”
I also like how people’s personalities are reflected by the party hats (or maybe their personalities are decided by their party hats?).

01-Jul-2008 23:31:13 - Last edited on 02-Jul-2008 06:15:19 by Wet Rainbow

Wet Rainbow

Wet Rainbow

Posts: 786 Gold Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Overall: 184/200 = 92%
Congratulations, you made the Review Underground Hall of Fame!
If you had no mechanical errors, you would have a much higher score. Great job overall! :)
If you have any questions, I’ll come back to this thread sometime soon.

01-Jul-2008 23:31:36 - Last edited on 01-Jul-2008 23:34:47 by Wet Rainbow

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