forums.rs

Forums

Story of Guthix the Werewolf

Quick find code: 49-50-340-65221819

of 14
Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
On the SD, you said,
“A think to note they are not plain monks they are druids! Followers of Guthix!”
lol, that's undoubtedly my mistake. There is indeed a significant difference between a monk and a druid.

Thank-you for taking my suggestions into account, but I'll just say again it's always OK to disagree on things, make corrections, and point out errors (as you did) for people who read your stuff.

I am glad to know that you never gave up, and I do agree with Level that, for your first story, there is much potential. I can't believe I forgot to comment about that in my feedback!

Poller goes into good details about grammar, and I'll also put in, you can also read other books, magazines, and internet articles to have a visual picture on the mechanics of writing. But yes, do slow down in your descriptions, typing your story is not a race, you are allowed to take your time.

30-Nov-2013 23:56:33 - Last edited on 30-Nov-2013 23:57:06 by Azigarath

Poller5
Dec Member 2023

Poller5

Posts: 11,421 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
While I'm all for bending the rules when it comes to creative writing, I can honestly say that I can't conceive of a situation where a comma splice does anything other than make the sentence almost fatally unwieldy.

02-Dec-2013 06:29:58

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“It has been eighteen years since Beth and her son Guthix had entered the druid camp, twelve times since then the camp has moved to avoid the rapid movements of the forces of Drakan.”
Drakan’s rapid forces are quite inept at their job. :/

“A tall young man with short brown hair and blue eyes was stealthily moving across the ground holding a homemade bow*****;>> fletched <<< from an oak tree.”
“fletched” should be “made” (or some equivalent of that word) because fletching is about arrows or their fledging. It’d be like saying “this staff was moulded from wood.” Never rely on computer/video games for terminology.

“and a stone like arrow head”
Flint?

When Chad speaks for the first time, startling Guthix and causing the rabbit to run away, his dialogue is missing a “you” after the “have.”

Overhunted is one word.

“Although this part of the woods were rather empty of game as it has been over hunted by the other locals.”
I find this remarkable; do Drakan’s forces bother the other locals, too? After a few sentences, it is revealed that the citizens of Canifis hunt, too.

Guthix and Chad agree to go home, Chad having to carry Guthix’s bow and quiver and a bit upset. Neither items would be heavy, though.

Page 1, post 9, second paragraph,
“Chad sighed and had agreed to carry it, as they made walked down through the forest together”
This sentence should be rewritten.

You use the word “like” as a suffix quite often. Try to avoid it, as terms such as “stone like” or “silver like” or “blond like” can all be without the “like.” If a girl is blond, she is blond, after all.

Chad asks, “Why did you hear something?” Well, it was heard because it was heard.

A young woman in silver armour (the type of armour is not mentioned), having a slash across her body, despite she is wearing armour. Chad gets embarrassed for some reason.

You have an issue with tense and typos are here and there. Nevertheless, the grammar is getting better since the prologue.

05-Dec-2013 21:52:15

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“Guthix is a werewolf”
Yes, I know that. Try not to describe things that your readers already know or that can already assume certain details. After all, chances are we won’t forget what we read in the prologue. If I recall correctly, Beth did*’t want to be in the camp.

“armor is made of silver”
Although I understand the reason for the girl’s armour, pure silver is very bad at being armour. Perhaps “silvered” armour would be better (silvered armour is both historic and appropriate for fantasy)?

Guthix speaks about how they should help the girl.

“He also picked up this >>> girls <<< sword and blue scabbard”
A ‘ should be before the s, and the sentence is missing a . .

“He put the sword up on his back and helped carry this girl.”
How do you put a sword on your back? The sword belt would be worn by the woman, or if the sword belt is attached to the sword, taken off, it could only be worn around the waist.

“Guthix almost missed the question as the armor the girl was wearing was burning him through his clothing.”
But the clothing isn’t burning? I always wondered why silver makes werewolves burn. Magic I guess, or a suspension of physics.


“Chad had a stick fall on his head when he looked up there were seven normal vampires up there looking down at them”
He did*’t see them until he was directly under them? Maybe “stick” should be twig or branch.

Chad runs away, and Guthix almost falls over, I would assume by the weight of the girl. Even though she is described as not being unconscious, she can’t do anything.

“Guthix set down the lady paladin carefully then drew the sword on his back.”
If a sword is sheathed down your back, you can’t draw it. I tried this in real-life, it just doesn’t work. But then again I was criticized in the past for being too formal in realism.

The vampires talk instead of actually attacking, suggesting fear, a common scenario.

05-Dec-2013 21:52:38

Quick find code: 49-50-340-65221819 Back to Top