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Story of Guthix the Werewolf

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Guthix SS4

Guthix SS4

Posts: 20,526 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Finally Got all the posts I need!!!!! Finally! Now enjoy my story as it all comes together, also a note this might get a lot longer than these ten pages...I don't know yet, when I get inspiration I sort of just go with the flow and write like crazy
and nothing was spoiled :P

29-Nov-2013 06:00:28

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hello Guthix, I recall another earlier player who also had Guthix in his name whose story I read. But I don't see him anymore. But here I am to look at your story.

Page 1, second post, first sentence
“Out past in the village of Canifis in the forest of bloodworms leeches and vampires a family were on the run. There was a man and his wife along with their one week year old child who has yet been named. They were being hunted down by vampires and werewolves that were working for Drakan.”

This paragraph should be like,
Beyond the village of Canifis, in the forest of bloodworms, leeches, and vampires, a family was on the run. There was a man and his wife along with their one-week old child who has yet been named. Vampires and werewolves working for Drakan were hunting them down.

The story starts with a common formula: people running away from villains chasing them. I can deduce that the family will fall and the child raised by saviours, or something like that, I would guess anyways. In the next paragraph, the pursuers seem to be gone.

“The lady with very long black hair in a crimson red torn up dress look upon a bald baby boy wearing nothing but the green blanket that he was wrapped in.”
Whoa, that’s a mouthful. When you read something, you must read an entire sentence in a single breath until a comma or period is reached. I was quite breathless trying to read this sentence. Be sure to add commas when necessary or when you feel like it.

Dialogue is not very effective, feels as if the characters take turns speaking from a script, and this weakens the scenes. Villains laughing at protagonists is an extreme cliché; it has been used so many times that it’s just not interesting now. Unusually, a few vampire-creatures seem to be standing in trees, but wouldn’t it be better to be on the ground and just attack the targets?

30-Nov-2013 03:23:05

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Well, these vampires and werewolves seem unable to catch two parents and their child, even when they stop and then speak for several seconds. The father turns into a werewolf; maybe now he could grab the baby and run? Werewolves do seem to have superhuman abilities.

“The lady walked towards them when a druid in a tree said startling the mother, “Halt right there, state your business being here mama?””
What’s he doing in a tree? And how could any sane person ask a woman carrying a baby what her business is? If I were a clergyman, in a forest full of werewolves and vampires, and I saw a woman and her baby in torn clothing, instinctively, I would be focused on helping her immediately.

“The old man walked over to the lady and said, “You come here asking for sanctuary for your child and not for yourself.”
No, I don’t recall she having ever said that.

Maybe the mother should’ve transformed into a werewolf while running away?

“The old man held the child who now was once again making happy baby sounds.”
A baby would not be happy in this kind of situation, within arms of a running person is dangerous for the baby, and it’s too young to show emotion like that. I’ve held babies in real life within weeks of age and not once did I hear them making happy baby sounds. Babies that young just sleep and be fed and wiped.

The child is then named Guthix.

As you mentioned in the first post, grammar is an issue, but you can overcome problems with exposure to them. There are many times when the sentences just don’t make sense, forcing me to deduce what is going on. It’s not a problem for you, because as the author you have everything in your head, but as a reader, it’s harder for me to know what’s going on, so I need extra steps, more direction to build the images in my head. The story also makes me ask many questions, and despite the knowledge of a dangerous land, the family concludes it’s best to be unarmed. Characters should plan ahead.

30-Nov-2013 03:23:20

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I feel the story would benefit with a little more realism implemented into the storytelling. Try to imagine yourself into your story as every character, and ask yourself what would you do in their shoes during their encounters. This is a useful way to develop interaction, something best utilised early on; readers need to feel for your non-main characters, too (put as much time in them as with your main ideas). As a role-player, I’m sure you could expand on characters’ lives easily.

A werewolf baby raised by monks does offer a curious aspect for a story, and it does interest me how Guthix will grow up.

Anyways, the story follows a traditional style, but the protagonist happens to be a werewolf named Guthix, something I’ve never seen in these forums. Although the father’s fate is ambiguous (his combat is not even described), I have a feeling he’ll make a reappearance sometime down the story as well as the mother. I’ve also written stories about lycanthropic monsters, in fact I’m working on one right now, have been for over a year.

It’s also a good idea to type a story in Word or OpenOffice as the programs help in finding mistakes.

Here’s some basic rules below:


Paragraphs should have at least three sentences, and a sentence should have at least three words. Dialogue always begins on its own line when another character speaks, but further non-dialogue sentences can commence after a character speaks. If the same character is still speaking, further dialogue can be used without beginning on another line.

Sentence
A sentence needs a subject, a predicate, and a verb, and then a complete thought. If any of the four are missing, it will be a sentence fragment.
Sentence fragments begin with words like “that”, “if”, “when”, “while”, “where”, “which”, “who”, “whose”. One exception is a subordinate clause, and it's a sentence that begins with a subordinating word such as “if”, but is incomplete by itself. Subordinate clauses have to connect to the main clause.

30-Nov-2013 03:23:38 - Last edited on 30-Nov-2013 03:23:57 by Azigarath

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The sentence needs to tell the reader why something is happening. The information is essential for the sentence to have a full meaning. The connection of words should be made clear so that the audience (your reader) can read the story without misinterpreting the happenings.
A comma is not placed before words like “because” or “who”. Information before the comma are important for the sentence but everything after the comma is another part.
A clause is a group of words, so a sentence is a clause. Any other “line” of words, such as that of poems and plays, generally are also a clause.
The first letter of every sentence must be capitalised (put in upper case).
Names of people and places must also be capitalised. For example, Buckingham Palace has two capitalisations, for the palace is named. Rewording it, Palace of Buckingham would also require two capitalisations as the palace is still named. Named vehicles should be in Italics.

Colon ,
Used before a list that may be preceded by words like “such as” or “the following,” so the colon replaces the two examples.
Can be used before a list of words that explain a noun.
Used after the opening of a business letter.
Can be used between two independent clauses if the second clause explains the first.

Semicolon ;
Can be used between independent clauses not joined by “and”, “but” or “or”. Can replace the “but”, “or” or “and” and a comma.

Quotation marks “”
English use “”
Quotation marks can begin or finalise with “character said”.
Not used for your own words or thoughts unless you yourself are a character within the material who is speaking to someone.
The comma, mark or period goes inside the end quotation mark for dialogue, even when it is not part of the quotation. Only one is used, so anything such as “!!!???.,” is informal and incorrect, only one is needed depending on the dialogue.

Exceptions of any rule is OK in creative writing, however it should not be overused.

30-Nov-2013 03:24:14

Guthix SS4

Guthix SS4

Posts: 20,526 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Thanks for the feedback! It's my first part of a story of mine that I have shared with the forums.

Yeah I figured I would need a lot of work on this story seeing how this is the first time I stepped into writing a story for other people other than myself. I might have to describe a bit more of things as when I was writing that first part of the story I used images of what the things look like in rs but yeah I see what I have to do there.

Also where you commented on how does the old man know she mentioned it to the man who asked her why was here purpose of coming there. Also it may be cliché to say this but old people know everything!


I will try my best to reflect on what you commented
and nothing was spoiled :P

30-Nov-2013 04:11:55

The Level

The Level

Posts: 8,999 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Guthix SS4 said :
Yeah I figured I would need a lot of work on this story seeing how this is the first time I stepped into writing a story for other people other than myself.

Never lose heart. ^_^ After all, we're all here to improve. Trust me, compared to most of us when we first starting writing on the forums, you are way ahead of the curve.

Also, bookmark.

30-Nov-2013 04:19:41

Guthix SS4

Guthix SS4

Posts: 20,526 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Lose heart? Lol! You may not know it, when I first began roleplaying in the forums I was way worse at writing. Back in the day a lot of people in the forums really disliked bad grammar and spelling.

I had tons of people getting mad at me because of my bad grammar and spelling back then. Back then not a lot people gave help, and they wanted me just to stop. Me being very stubborn I never gave up!

And now after a few long years and a newly shaped forums that are willing to help people I still don't ever give up! Rawr!
and nothing was spoiled :P

30-Nov-2013 06:27:09

Poller5
Dec Member 2023

Poller5

Posts: 11,421 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I took a look at your story, Guthix, but as it stands right now it's only barely readable because of your almost complete lack of commas. Your sentences, while not perhaps technically run-on sentences, all feel like they are because you don't give the reader any time to pause while reading them.

The interaction between the writer and the reader of a good sentence is a lot like two people playing catch with water balloons. When the balloons are thrown gently, at a regular pace, with lots of time given to react and catch them, you can go forever without breaking them; in much the same way, a well structured and punctuated sentences can flow on for almost the entire length of a paragraph without its length becoming an impediment to understanding.

At this point, yours, without natural gaps, are more like being bombarded with water balloons; everything's coming in too fast, you can't catch or control them, and you're frustrated in no time. Of course, sometimes you want a sentence like that, for effect, but when that's your main sentence structure it doesn't make for the easiest reading.

I'd say don't let this discourage you, but it seems you won't, so instead I'll simply redouble any offers here of helping you to smooth out your prose. Writing well is difficult, and much more of a learned skill than most people, I think, realize. If you are as dedicated as you claim, I've no doubt you'll get there, but everything has to start with fundamentally solid English. I'd suggest reading some of the other stories on this forum to get a feel for how well-written prose flows, with sentences long and short, simple and complex. Otherwise, just ask: post something here and get someone to go over it, post a snippet on the SD and ask for proofreading - we'll all be happy to oblige such requests.

30-Nov-2013 23:20:18

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