RuneScape Forum Archive | ~~English's Forgotten Tales~~

Englishkid62

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“It doesn’t mean you have to lie, though,” I commented. In a peculiar way he was telling the truth; I was rather shocked by his view and analysis of the modern society.
“They’d treat you like dirt,” Chris warned passionately, his voice somewhat haunting. “Once they know, you have no way back. Once you came out of your closet, you’re vulnerable and will be hunted down like a rat crossing the street. Your friends would turn their backs on you, exclude you and distance themselves. Your parents would cast you out in shame – just because you are different. I look into my life and saw nothing but pain, rejection and misery. Every day I fear my own safety: would someone randomly walk up to me and break my ribs for no good reason? I am vulnerable and I can be safe of nobody. This is not life. If you were me you’d understand.”
“You know…” Remembering the lesson I was taught, I told Chris. “Life is not as meaningless as you think. I used to think the same, too. But what about love? That’s certainly worth living for. Being loved is a beautiful feeling. What about family and friends…” I stopped, impossible to proceed – I just couldn’t when I mentioned ‘family’.
“And if there is no hope for love?”
“Then … how do you know there is no hope? It may seem so to you, but it doesn’t mean you don’t try,” I said. “I knew a guy who’d spend days a nights on this game just to impress the one he loved.” Realizing the previous message was sent to Sarah, I quickly re-typed it again and sent it to Chris. I didn't quite want Sarah to get the wrong message.
“Was that guy successful? Where is he now?"
"I don’t know,” I replied. I had no news of Kipplin yet. It was like the more I tried to convince Chris the more I couldn’t convince myself, “Although he wasn’t successful in getting the guy he wanted. I was sure that he still achieved something, in the end. I was there! I know how it feels to love a guy you can’t be with.”

12-Feb-2011 17:10:54 - Last edited on 02-Apr-2011 10:59:24 by Englishkid62

Englishkid62

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“Why, have you ever been out with a guy?” Chris challenged.

“In real life? Gosh, no."
"Were you ever in a relationship, even?”
“No."
"Have you ever flirted in your life?”
“No."
"Have you even tried to flirt?”
“No."
"Then you’re ignorant in this subject and you have no right to preach to me,” Chris raised a hand. “I’ve never asked anyone to understand me and I don’t expect to remain on your friend’s list after tonight either. Rejection is only natural. I have passed it – I am only unlovable.”
“Hey, don’t say that!” Since I was disqualified to comment on love, I stated, "It doesn’t make me or you feel any better when you put yourself down like this.”
“You? What do you care? For all I know you could be just some straight guy who humps a different girl every fortnight or so.”
“Don’t call me that!”
“Well then, what are you?”
“Chris, tell me: you still have feelings for me, right?” I demanded.
He thought for a moment.
“…Yes.”
“THEN STOP TALKING TO ME LIKE THAT, FOR GOD’S SAKE!”
I scared him. I bet I almost had him crying. Any minute now he might ask me for a hug – not that I mind. I didn't blame him for what he said: he was not responsible for his own experiences. He was not responsible for the fact that he was born this way. Everyone deserved a chance.
“It’s only…” Chris mumbled, I saw him trembling slightly. “If you knew I’m a guy all along, why’d you still go ahead? Weren’t you just trying to hurt me even more? That’s what everyone would do … they’d enter someone else’s life without thinking of the mess they’d make in the other’s heart, when they leave them. Nobody cared – weren’t you just teasing me?”
“Long story,” I smiled. “But I do like you.”
“You do?”
“Yes I do. I am actually very fond of you, Chris.”
“Really?”
“And I do love you very much from the start, and from the heart.”

12-Feb-2011 17:10:54 - Last edited on 02-Apr-2011 11:00:03 by Englishkid62

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“I love you very much too, honey.”

“Chris,” I imagined myself holding both of his hands. “Would you do me the honour of becoming my first boyfriend?”

His eyes glowed with joy and gratitude; I had never seen anyone this happy before. He was an angel, now perfected and released from the torment of his deceits. I rescued a poor soul that day.

“Yes, please!” I was really happy for him. He had found the love that everyone needed. He had found the love he was owed and denied from him. And I had done that.

He asked, “Would you like to get together? Anywhere, anytime?”

“Sure,” and I told him where I lived, which turned out to be five thousand miles away.
“Ow, maybe not anytime soon, then.” Chris sighed, sadly. “I knew it was too good to be true.”

“Who said love can’t exist over long distances?” I shrugged.

“Aww, it’s just better if you’re here,” Chris mumbled. “I could take you to my place.”

“You got your own place?”

“Yeah.”

“Impressive.” Realizing it was eleven pm, I said, “I’m going to sleep soon. Just remember I’m now dating with YOU – the real Chris and not Christine. I love you and yourself only. No more pretence or lies. Be proud of yourself, my love!”

“Thank you,” his eyes watered, “Thank you for everything.”

I had a mixed feeling when I switched off the computer that evening. I was excited and nervous – after all I never had a boyfriend before. It was an adventure of a lifetime. I was also triumphant, because Christine was no more.
***
By now, I knew my life was more than confusing.

I simply had to sort my life out, once and for all – it was as if I was lost in a world of unending darkness, and was to remain there in the abyss no matter how hard I called. I spent a couple of hours lying on the bed thinking to myself that night, hoping to reach some sort of agreement between my wicked heart and what was good, right and nice.

12-Feb-2011 17:10:55 - Last edited on 02-Apr-2011 10:39:38 by Englishkid62

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Decisions. Where would this lead? Was I on the road to eternal bliss or was I heading for my ultimate doom? Do I even deserve a happy ending? No. No matter what, I was determined to reach the bottom of this: I wasn’t going to sleep until I found a solution to every single problem I faced. What? Surely there had to be an easy, obvious path for me to take here which I was just simply too stupid to notice. Perhaps the way was shut. No ... surely there had to be a way out. I expected a way out.

I didn't sleep that night.

What would Kipplin do if he was me? Where was Kipplin, anyway? It had occurred to me that nobody nowadays remembered Kipplin anymore, nor his presence he once gave to the others around him. His name, and his party invitations, drifted towards the bottom of the RuneScape forum. Kipplin was simply lost in their memories along with those who couldn’t make a difference – slipped down history, unremembered, and lost in the victor’s past.

By now I knew for a fact that I was really fond of Chris and I loved him more than anyone else in my life, but we simply couldn’t be together – we just couldn’t. Or could we? Who was going to travel five thousand miles to find their true love and why would anyone bother to do that for someone they’d never really met before? Of course, I wanted our relationship to turn out to be more – perhaps it was just a fool’s hope, like always. Not that I couldn’t go where he was – I had more than enough money of my own to purchase any ticket to anywhere – I just didn't feel I was desperate enough.

12-Feb-2011 17:11:03 - Last edited on 02-Apr-2011 11:00:53 by Englishkid62

Englishkid62

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Sarah had to be stopped and I could never be rid of her for a long time to come as far as I knew. Surely my parents would be more than happy for me to get rid of Sarah – provided that I found another girl of a similar standard. If I could, then they’d bother Sarah no more. I had only to say “Leave me alone” in Sarah’s face in college and that would be the end of it too. Problem solved. But what if I was in love with another guy? Would it necessarily mean that I was beastly, soulless and heartless? Would it necessarily mean that our relationship could only go as far as our physical desires? Was it true that my feelings ‘certainly can’t be genuine’ if it was towards another guy? Why not? Why was I forbidden to do so? Why was it impossible to share one, selfless love between partners of the same gender? If I wasn’t genuine to Chris then I certainly wasn’t genuine to Sarah. That, I knew.
Was I ever being genuine to anyone, for that matter? I was such a liar in so many ways. I was dishonest to so many people in my life and this must be the drawback. I had never let anyone know how I think and feel. I had seen examples of my kind and my seniors coming out of their closet, and their legendary tales. They were successful and now lived a normal life like everyone else. They were brave to do what I couldn’t manage. Should I ever come out to my parents? What would happen to me if it didn't turn out well? What was I trying to achieve anyway?
“At least I was being truthful, for once,” I told myself.

12-Feb-2011 17:11:03 - Last edited on 02-Apr-2011 11:01:14 by Englishkid62

Englishkid62

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If I was successful and my parents still loved me for who I am, I’d come out to Sarah too. Maybe not to the college. I’d be relieved of stress, anxiety and secrets. I would no longer be imprisoned by my own shame. If I was successful and my parents were supportive they might even find me a boyfriend. Or would they? I had now hated the idea to let my life sort out itself, and what of David? I hadn’t seen him for a while and was I responsible for not looking out for him? Was I avoiding him? No … I did see him last week. At least, I believed it was him. I spotted a semi-hidden figure behind the trees, watching intently from afar when we (Sarah and I, with her head on my shoulder) strolled around the yard with passion, joy and laughter.
If I was unsuccessful and my parents hated me for what I am, there would be nowhere for me to go. I would be cast out like an ungrateful brat, forever expelled and hated by his own makers. If I was unsuccessful and my parents resented me for who I was, they would take me to extra Bible reading classes to cleanse my thoughts. And if I objected, they’d throw me a pile of books and tell me a hundred reasons why I should not, and could never love another guy as well as any other woman. They’d intensify their conversion – then my life would be just plain stupid, because I was being truthful to myself and them.

12-Feb-2011 17:11:04 - Last edited on 02-Apr-2011 10:41:19 by Englishkid62

Englishkid62

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“It doesn’t mean you don’t try.” I then recalled Kipplin saying, “Do your best, no regret, because you can’t get the best possible outcome if you don’t do your best.” If I forever stayed where I was then I couldn’t even face up to myself. This was part of growing up, I guess. This was simply the path that some of us had to take. I knew I wouldn’t get anything until I did something, whether the outcome be good or ill. I had just as much right to live a blissful and fruitful life like any others who walk this Earth. I should fight my oppressor and challenge those who denied my right to love – I would stand up against the forces of ‘good’ and I wanted to be remembered: at the very least I’d be a villain with as much full a heart as any of those who finally defeated me.
For the sake of myself, Chris, freedom, love, my family and everything that made me who I am, I must fight. I must pray for I must win this. I couldn’t afford to lose my parents. I still believed they were just as caring towards me as they were when I was five. I wanted them to be happy for me and to accept who I really was. I wanted to belong. I still loved them and would never want to hurt them with the truth.
“At least my part in the problem will be over,” I told myself, and shut my eyes – hoping for the best. Was it better to hide and live in bliss and ignorance?
This was the moment – the final showdown.
***

The confession I was about to make was not unlike a wedding vow.
“Do you, Danny, solemnly affirm your genuine preference and selfless affection for – guys, and making this lawful decision today that from this day onwards, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to embark on a course of eternal blessing or a damnation of a lifetime, that you shall look back on your life and have no remorse nor regret for this very decision today, for as long as you shall live?”
“I do,” was my well rehearsed reply.

12-Feb-2011 17:22:17 - Last edited on 02-Apr-2011 10:42:10 by Englishkid62

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

This was a once in a lifetime opportunity – just as sacred and meaningful. Well, it wasn’t all flowery and white and magical, but sacred enough – or at least, certainly more sacred than the fifty-five hours long marriage. It was also similar to a wedding, that there was no way to take back what you said. Once you made your decision you were out there and you have no way back. It was a life-long decision and investment. The thought that kept me going on the day was that ‘the winner takes all’. If I could win this battle I would have a life again.

It wasn’t the best of things to say to your parents: especially if you loved each other. Having them breaking their hearts I would condemn myself the traitor of love, for I betrayed the first who showed me it. I was perhaps only selfish about my own life, and how I wanted to live it.

In a way this was also very much unlike a wedding. There was something inevitable about a wedding once it was arranged: at least there would be a set time and date for it. All the arrangements would’ve been made, and all the jewelries would’ve been bought. The plan would’ve been unchangeable. Coming out to your parents, on the other hand, had no deadline – and in my opinion that was much worse. I could keep them ignorant for another thirty years yet.

I was flattening the salmon pieces over and over with my fork at dinner that evening. There was a menacing still air in the room that chilled my heart and guts. They seemed to know. I was hungry no more. The clock ticked longingly as time flew past (or I was flying through time) – I saw my whole life in a second of a back-flash. I promised myself to come out before 7:30 pm today and it was not proving as easy as I had anticipated. It was not long before my ‘deadline’ and I was far from ready. While my parents were talking excitedly and cheerily about retirement destinations, I stared blankly at my salmon. How should I start?

12-Feb-2011 17:22:17 - Last edited on 02-Apr-2011 10:42:50 by Englishkid62

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

At this moment a tiny shape of Kipplin dressed in white and silvery clothes emerged on my left shoulder, smiling invitingly at me, telling me that I could win this. His features suggested the promises of acceptance. I turned and to my dismay I saw another figure on my right; Chris dressed in black. His expressions were grave and sad – he looked at me and shook his head.

…Five seconds left.

How should I word this?

…Three seconds.

What should I say?

…One second.

“Once they know, you have no way back,” Echoed in my head.

I couldn’t do it. I didn't want to interrupt my parents’ conversation, and I left the clock to tick. I was a coward, anyway. Maybe I’d do it tomorrow instead? Next week? Next year? The same chances might come again. There may be a second shot. However I made myself excuses this moment, I knew I hadn’t solved anything at the end of the day. Maybe I just needed a chance to say it, right?

And the chance came at eight o’clock. Mum and Dad started talking about Sarah and I knew I must do this.

“Mum, Dad. I don’t like Sarah.”

“Sweetie, it’s time you should start dating girls,” Mum expressed convincingly. “We’re only helping.”

“But – Mum, you’re not helping!” My voice was corrupted with passion and I held my tears back. “What if I don’t like girls–?”

“It’s about time that you should,” Dad shrugged and smiled jokingly. “You’re not a kid anymore, Danny. It is normal to like girls.” While Mum seemed to have read my mind and picked up certain signals from my gleaming eyes.

"What do you mean?” Mum asked sharply.

“Suppose I like guys.” My courage was failing me. Once they know, I had no way back…

“You’re not serious?” Mum sounded shocked and her face was full of horror, perhaps finding this an uncomfortable – an abominable subject.

“I said, ‘suppose’.” Given the opportunity to back down, I jumped at it. This was too much.

12-Feb-2011 17:22:17 - Last edited on 02-Apr-2011 11:01:41 by Englishkid62

Englishkid62

Posts: 9,782 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

“There is a big difference between like and fancy, you know…” Mum muttered as if she was speaking to herself, comforting her mind with calm and gentle words. Was I successful? I thought not. What was my hurry? What was I trying to accomplish? Maybe I was simply not ready for this sort of decision – I was too young, perhaps. Who was I, to challenge the definition of love? Who was I –? I was but a desperate soul. Why did it have to be so hard? This was a once in a lifetime opportunity, and if I couldn’t do this now, I would never have the courage to do it again. If I failed today I’d forever stay in my closet, and never felt love. Was that what I wanted, to live in lies and pretence? Was that what I wanted, to blind date others in RuneScape for the rest of my life? Digging deep into myself for a tiny bit of courage, I re-entered the battle to face my final doom. It was now or never. It was to die a warrior or live a coward.

“What if I do fancy guys?” I challenged, a little defiant, but hurt.

“No, you do not fancy guys.” Picking up where this conversation was heading, Dad began to eye me like a hawk, with an impetuous assumption that I will, correct my own defects, my own nature, if a few brisk words were spoken in a rather loud manner.

“I can’t believe this,” said Mum, putting down her fork in ridicule.

“But I do!” I protested. It was my decision.

“No, you DON’T!” I had never seen my Dad this angry before. I saw him in bright red and I wasn’t sure what to say. It upset me to see them getting hurt.

12-Feb-2011 17:22:17 - Last edited on 02-Apr-2011 10:44:15 by Englishkid62

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~~English's Forgotten Tales~~

English's Forgotten Tales