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~` Illusions `~
Quick find code: 49-50-309-58156467
I have, but it's been about a year since I've finished one. The last, and only, was Disruption around 73 posts. I'm wanting to finish one of better length.
I think this'll be my creative writing class goal. I dunno.
-- Chek
I think this'll be my creative writing class goal. I dunno.
-- Chek
31-Dec-2008 17:03:44
I'm not sure about the hyphen, but the other two I've fixed now. Thanks, User.
Eed -
Eed!
-- Chek
Eed -
Eed!
-- Chek
31-Dec-2008 20:55:37 - Last edited on 31-Dec-2008 20:55:54 by CaptChekaka
Welcome. I'm not sure on the hypeh, either
31-Dec-2008 21:21:42
Right then. I've read the first chapter, and I noted what you said about this being cliché, so I won't mention that. I'm sorry if this comes off like a review, but I generally don't comment and something "It's good!" probably isn't very gratifying. So, um, here we go...
- - -
The prologue was very good, and I especially enjoyed the personification you used. The first real thing I noticed was on the first chapter:
"King Rezod sat idly in his chair, twisting a small chain, sivler in color, around his arm."
There's nothing explicity wrong, but it'a a bit wordy; how about : "...twisting a small silver chain around his arm..."
"Rezod’s brown hair, short in length..."
It's the same thing here. You seem a bit over-concerned with description. This is just my opinion, but in phrases such as this:
"He then lifted his hand, covered with a white glove..."
The bit about the glove just weighs the sentence down.
"...and his tattered clothes were obvious..."
That makes it sound like the clothes themselves are obvious.
“Set him atop my horse. I think that he, of course, is but a mercenary and has no issue with me as a man, or a soldier. If he wishes to continue his mission, then we shall let him; he and I will duel. However, if he wishes to cast aside such a task, then it will be us he will come to.”
Pretty good reasoning there. I like this character.
- - -
Overall, I really like what I've read so far. The only true problems were the excess description and your infatuation with commas.
I'll read the rest of it soon,
- - -
The prologue was very good, and I especially enjoyed the personification you used. The first real thing I noticed was on the first chapter:
"King Rezod sat idly in his chair, twisting a small chain, sivler in color, around his arm."
There's nothing explicity wrong, but it'a a bit wordy; how about : "...twisting a small silver chain around his arm..."
"Rezod’s brown hair, short in length..."
It's the same thing here. You seem a bit over-concerned with description. This is just my opinion, but in phrases such as this:
"He then lifted his hand, covered with a white glove..."
The bit about the glove just weighs the sentence down.
"...and his tattered clothes were obvious..."
That makes it sound like the clothes themselves are obvious.
“Set him atop my horse. I think that he, of course, is but a mercenary and has no issue with me as a man, or a soldier. If he wishes to continue his mission, then we shall let him; he and I will duel. However, if he wishes to cast aside such a task, then it will be us he will come to.”
Pretty good reasoning there. I like this character.
- - -
Overall, I really like what I've read so far. The only true problems were the excess description and your infatuation with commas.
I'll read the rest of it soon,
31-Dec-2008 22:06:33
Chuk - No idea, really. Longer than Disruption, though.
Homzy - Thanks.
Doom - Yeah, description is an incredible wall for me in my work. I always seem to go overboard quite a bit.
Thanks for pointing those out, though: I'll get on them immediately.
-- Chek
Homzy - Thanks.
Doom - Yeah, description is an incredible wall for me in my work. I always seem to go overboard quite a bit.
Thanks for pointing those out, though: I'll get on them immediately.
-- Chek
31-Dec-2008 22:39:01
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