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[#U82ZJ81IX]

[#U82ZJ81IX]

Posts: 828 Gold Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hey, Chekky! How's it goin'? I actually managed to read some of your story from SCHOOL. Lolz... :P

_______Chapter 8, post 5_________

"Jacob did not even grown in reply."

You mean to say, "groan?"

---Chapter 8, post 7---

"'but only those hat were innocent.'"

But only those 'that' were innocent.
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06-Jan-2009 20:46:57 - Last edited on 06-Jan-2009 21:17:24 by [#U82ZJ81IX]

Chuk

Chuk

Posts: 14,177 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
“even his statues were adorned in robes and jewelry of prestigious wealth.” – Knock off *of prestigous wealth.* Robes on statues makes that clear enough.

“A carpet lay out in front of him; it was red, and a golden lining was also in place.” – It’s just easier to say “A red carpet with gold lining lay before him.” That’s kinda plain, I guess, but certainly change “and a golden lining was also in place.” That just sounds fairly awkward to me.
Chandaliers don’t stand, they hang.

*Rezod’s short, brown hair poked out slightly beneath his crown, allowing his eyes to be darkened by its shadow.” – “…darkening his eyes in its shadow.”

“their death’s would be but a symbol of failure for our land.” – deaths, plural, not possessive.

“He lifted Landon, his advisor, by the cuff of his shirt and asked, “How did this happen?” – cuff or collar? Sleeve or neck?

I’m gonna say that your names clash. Rezod, and the scholar’s name, whatever it was, don’t work well with plain names like Jacob. It’s your choice, of course, and not a big deal, but it feels wrong to me.

This whole pieces is great so far, though I’m only three posts into Chapter One. Watch for your awkward sentences like the ones I mentioned above, though. Try and avoid “allow”, “make”, and other such words as much as possible if you can. I like your portrayal of the king; he has his own distinct personality already.


Keep it up!

~ Chuk

07-Jan-2009 02:51:57 - Last edited on 07-Jan-2009 02:52:59 by Chuk

CaptChekaka

CaptChekaka

Posts: 35,595 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I edited a bunch of that stuff on my main copy, but not here. >_<

And the names... rawr. They do, slightly. Jacob is the one I think is the worst off, but I think he'll be the only one I have a problem with later on.

Thanks, Chuk. Editing this draft now.

-- Chek

07-Jan-2009 02:59:25

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