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The weight was heavy, but his four years with the army commander had made him stronger than the normal civilian, and, with his weapon by his side, he was also a far more deadly force.

I don’t think there should be a comma after ‘and.’

-- It's there for stylistic effect. I'll check on it, though.

“This man,” Anthoni started, “was sent by Rezod to kill me.

I think this should be ‘stated.’

-- Either way it's fine. Started, seeing how it's a reply, and stated, as he knows it.

If they are able to accomplish this, then, by all means, there will be no king.

Unless this is from the narrator’s perspective, you hopped tenses.

-- Was this in dialogue? *Checks* Oop. It isn't. Went from past to future... hm. I'll change it to: "If they were able to accomplish this, then, by all means, there would be no king." Eh.

Its rays lighted the world for all to see, and its presence calmed many who feared that which walked within the darkness.

Lit, not lighted.

-- Haha. Thanks.

Quickly, the small, balding man turned and gave a look of wanting to his companion.

Do men usually give looks of wanting to other men? O.o

-- It depends on how you take it. ...Wait...

Looking up, he saw the rooftops merged into one and covered the street with its large presence.

Their large presences.

-- I think it's singular, seeing how they merged into one, and it's implied that they're only one now. I think it's "their large presence," though.

05-Mar-2009 23:13:49

The shop was fairly bland: a wooden counter that held the money and all other things that related to the running of the store, a few bookshelves that were stocked to the top with stories about great adventurers, and the rest of the “decorations” were the swords that hung from the ceiling and walls, each a different size or color.

Stacked to the top, I would think.

-- It's a store, so I think it's be "stocked," if it's possible.

Jacob and Landon stepped out of the large bank, cleared and ready to go.

What do you mean by ‘cleared?’ Cleared of all charges? Or were you trying to say ‘cleaned?’

-- Ew. I used slang...

After they purchased the sword, the two travelers had made their way over to the bank, which was located a little farther past the courtyard.

After they –had- purchased the sword.

-- Ooh. Thanks!

Also, in the midst of it all, a pair a rounded glasses sat on her face, adding a touch of perfection; for beneath them sat two deep eyes of endless blue.

A pair of rounded glasses.

-- Thank ye kindly.

The glistening advisor, annoyed with his bodily fluids, gripped a cloth firmly out of his pocket and dabbed his forehead, then moving to his glasses and wiping them clean.

How do you grip a cloth out of your pocket?

-- Very, very carefully. I'll edit it, though.

And you hopped tenses again: ~dabbed his forehead, then moving...~

-- Oh. Didn't even notice that.

“As I was saying, the western roads lead to Atiolgo and Tusxer, another of the king’s trouble cities.

Troubled.

-- Gotcha.

“Good then,” Jacob said flatly. “I think it’ll be easy to find him, then.”

Too many ‘then’s.’

-- Haha. Right, then! ( )

05-Mar-2009 23:14:31

Not even the scenery changed during the grueling walk, making it so they did not even have the luxury of daydreaming of scrutinizing their surroundings.

Do you mean that they couldn’t dream of examining their surroundings, or that there was nothing to examine as the scenery was never altered?

-- There was nothing to examine as the scenery was never altered. Did that come across correctly?

I believe the worst threat to us within this hellish abode is the wolf; its devilish mind is capable of hunting, and killing, even the brightest of men.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but the commas after 'hunting' as well as 'killing' are unnecessary.

-- It's in dialogue, so it's unnecessary, but it's purely for style and such. Like a series of pauses.

Their eyes began to deceive them; shadows seeped out from the corners of their eyes, forcing them to keep on guard at any and all times.

‘Keep’ could be replaced with ‘remain.’ I think that it would sound better.

-- Nice work, there.

Korinth Hidal had been in the same position for over five hours now, burning through the books of the royal library in an attempt to find more information on Seilo; it had granted little reward than expected.

Less reward? It was less rewarding? She garnered fewer rewards? Either way, not *little reward.’

-- "Less rewording" seems to fit best. Nice catch.

Jacob stopped for a moment and pondered the situation: they could find a path, which may take a few extra hours,

Might instead of may, I think that’s another tense hop; correct me if I’m wrong.

-- >_> You're right.

She couldn’t believe it; the knowledge that her life together for so long was wrong.

~that had held her life together...

-- Haha. Typos.

“King Rezod has another take he would like you to take part in.

Task.

-- Typos.

he attacks us with his taxes like we are nothing but sheep, luck enough to find help from a passing shepherd?”

Lucky.

-- Typos.

05-Mar-2009 23:14:54

“It is enough to drive men over there moral boundaries; I have found this to be true, now."

Their. And perhaps remove the ‘now* or make it, ‘I have now found this to be true.'

-- Typos, and alrighty.

“Why do you not use you shield, fool?”

Your.

-- Typos.

(Anthoni) Why do you not use your shield, fool?

“You do not have one, and I shall honor the pact I made when I first saw you and laid you on my horse: as you have requested, you shall continue with your task; this is now a duel, and the rules of a duel state that I may use only what you have. Since you do not have a shield, I will not use mine.”

Drake frowned and replied, “Your morals shall lead you down a dark path, my friend. In this world, one must take advantage of everything… and anything.” His sword slashed to one side and in his hand materialized a shield, colored the same as his blade, out of seemingly nowhere. Its curved edge, sharpened it seemed, slashed through the air as it tightened its grip around his forearm. Anthoni flinched at the sight and tried to grab his own shield, but Drake darted forward in an attack.

Hold on, I don’t see who’s talking here. Speakers are all mixed up. It’s a new line, so Drake should be talking, but Anthoni was the one to lay Drake on his horse.. and Anthoni can’t use magic. o_O

-- "His opponent laughed at the sight and then asked..." You missed that line! 'His' refers back to Anthoni, considering the paragraph.

out of seemingly nowhere.

Seemingly out of nowhere.

-- Gotcha.

05-Mar-2009 23:15:38

05-Mar-2009 23:16:12

Drake tossed his shield to the ground and lifted the dagger from the space it had landed, holding it with cruel intent, ready to finish Anthoni, who was defenseless. The two circled one another, staring endlessly, until, finally, Drake plunged into the fray.

I’m losing track of this. Can you explain it more clearly? Who’s sword is lost, and who’s lying on the ground?

-- Drake lost his sword. Anthoni is described as a solider at points, and had lost his own sword before. So now they're both swordless. Anthoni's on the ground.

Korinth was crushed and could not even cry out as she saw he brother be cremated alive; she just looked on.

Her brother. And how can she see if she’s crushed?

-- "Crushed" means something like she feels defeated, powerless.

its color, slowly, began to change.

Take out both commas.

-- Alrighty.

Candlelight lit the bar in a fragile glow as the bartender touched a match to the tip of several that rested along the counter

Were matches invented?

-- They are now, but I dunno!

*Who are you to command me?” Brexton inquired, stepping with a daring stare that struck into the heart of the common salesman.

LOL. I love this. But it really should be ‘...struck fear into the heart...’

-- Hahaha! Nice one. Edited.

Withholding his anger, Brexton could do nothing by reclaim his place beside Anthoni

But reclaim his place.

-- Typos.

I think that, if we are to even be close to successful on this mission, we will need men with their expertise to lead us their.

There.

-- Typos.

*That note weighs heavily on all of our minds, an the warning it has given does not help.”

And.

-- Typos.

Maxwell slipped the sharpened point of his blade softly between his fingers, trying to identify the quality of the metal he possessed, and how it would fair in battle.

Fare.

-- Typos.

05-Mar-2009 23:16:44

CHEK'S NOTES ON ELFIE'S NOTES

I decided to rate you Advanced instead of Medium due to the high quality that I'm used to seeing from you.

-- omg i hate yoo. No, it's fine. I said either one.

I was a little hesitant about delivering this review because I'm pretty certain that the quality of your writing is better than mine, so I would look at a word that I thought was 'off' and think, "Maybe he knows something I don't... "

-- Naw, you did well!

Congratulations!

05-Mar-2009 23:17:04

06-Mar-2009 21:12:22

This is a "Hi-how-is-this-story-doing-and-how-are-you-because-I-haven't-checked-this-thing-in-ages" post...post

-USER

09-Mar-2009 00:20:45

haven't posted in a while =O

Well I am now Join The Questing Clan of RuneScape! !

11-Mar-2009 02:15:39 - Last edited on 11-Mar-2009 02:15:47 by Sirapyro