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||...Agony...||
Quick find code: 49-50-307-57974397
A great story!
It's not completely scary, but it's definitely interesting. It is pretty hard to write a piece of literature that's truly scary. The start was the closest it came, and it stayed rather like a fun adventure to follow, the rest of the time.
With the creatures in Edgeville, it sort of made it feel a bit odd, because they were more weird-sounding than scary, and I didn't really picture anything like that being the monster of Edgeville.
However, despite the fact it's not greatly scary, it's fun to read, and I look forward to more adds! So far so good!
Here are some typo's and errors I'm pointing out to help;
(please make a note that I used Notepad to write them down, and they may be a bit hard to read.)
In the first part of page five, the fourth line down, "Tristan followed Jaden without quest*on," I believe
"quest*on" to be a typo, meant as "question"?
The paragraph under that says "The group travelled directly north, passing by the denizens of the wild unnoticed, leaving the beasts be as the group did them." I'm guessing when you say that the group was leaving the beasts be as the group did themself, you meant "beasts" rather than the second "group," right?
When you go to the point talking about the statue, you have Jaden say "the statue is the guy who found Edgeville"
You should say "is of," as it sounds like you're implying the statue is actually the person. "Found" should be
"founded," as well.
Paragraph three of Chapter X says "storey" in place of "story."
Last paragraph of post two says "REALLY reacting this this", I'll guess the double "this" was meant as "to this",
right?
Post three page six, when saying Georgia goes to wash herself in the River Lum, you say "tained" rather than
"tainted."
Paragraph one, first post, page 8. "Upmost" is written, I think a typo of "Utmost?"
It's not completely scary, but it's definitely interesting. It is pretty hard to write a piece of literature that's truly scary. The start was the closest it came, and it stayed rather like a fun adventure to follow, the rest of the time.
With the creatures in Edgeville, it sort of made it feel a bit odd, because they were more weird-sounding than scary, and I didn't really picture anything like that being the monster of Edgeville.
However, despite the fact it's not greatly scary, it's fun to read, and I look forward to more adds! So far so good!
Here are some typo's and errors I'm pointing out to help;
(please make a note that I used Notepad to write them down, and they may be a bit hard to read.)
In the first part of page five, the fourth line down, "Tristan followed Jaden without quest*on," I believe
"quest*on" to be a typo, meant as "question"?
The paragraph under that says "The group travelled directly north, passing by the denizens of the wild unnoticed, leaving the beasts be as the group did them." I'm guessing when you say that the group was leaving the beasts be as the group did themself, you meant "beasts" rather than the second "group," right?
When you go to the point talking about the statue, you have Jaden say "the statue is the guy who found Edgeville"
You should say "is of," as it sounds like you're implying the statue is actually the person. "Found" should be
"founded," as well.
Paragraph three of Chapter X says "storey" in place of "story."
Last paragraph of post two says "REALLY reacting this this", I'll guess the double "this" was meant as "to this",
right?
Post three page six, when saying Georgia goes to wash herself in the River Lum, you say "tained" rather than
"tainted."
Paragraph one, first post, page 8. "Upmost" is written, I think a typo of "Utmost?"
27-Oct-2009 04:15:00
In the next post, you write "Jaden gave Georgia to okay to open the door." I'll guess "to okay" meant "the okay".
Paragraph two of the next post has "unnerved the three older members of the group however." You should add a comma
after "group".
In the start of Chapter XVII you say "He lay on the ground facing the ceiling, his blood smeared on the ground
around him messily." I suggest changing one of the two "ground"s here, as it feels a bit odd when they're together like that. Perhaps change one to floor or something of the sort?
Down a bit: "he didn't bleed. Instead, the blood simply spilled out from the clean cut running from his left
shoulder diagonally through to his elbow." This is a bit odd. He didn't bleed, but instead blood spilled out of the
cut? Seems like bleeding to me.
In the second larger paragraph of the post under you say "It was a risk Jaden had to take, if Even could" I think Even = Evan?
Fourth paragraph of the post under that says "Unfortunately, this caused a blade to grow from the step he was on slice into his shin." I think after "On" you wanted "and", right?
Post seven, page nine. "was Evan, standing in between a male and a female adult. They were in front of a sign that
said 'Welcome to Edgeville' that stood before a tree sapling." You do realize that earlier in the story you said
that Ivan was the son, and that it was Ivan who founded Edgeville?
First paragraph, post three, page thirty-five. "disfigured hand that came crashing down one the spot" I take "one"
to mean "on", but it was typo'd?
Paragraph four of post four, page thirty-five. "She was fortunate that her arm was still in once piece but her
bones and top layer of skin were a different story." You should put a comma after "piece", as it sounds like you're saying that her bones and top layer of skin being a different story was fortunate. You also say "once piece" rather than "one piece".
Paragraph two of the next post has "unnerved the three older members of the group however." You should add a comma
after "group".
In the start of Chapter XVII you say "He lay on the ground facing the ceiling, his blood smeared on the ground
around him messily." I suggest changing one of the two "ground"s here, as it feels a bit odd when they're together like that. Perhaps change one to floor or something of the sort?
Down a bit: "he didn't bleed. Instead, the blood simply spilled out from the clean cut running from his left
shoulder diagonally through to his elbow." This is a bit odd. He didn't bleed, but instead blood spilled out of the
cut? Seems like bleeding to me.
In the second larger paragraph of the post under you say "It was a risk Jaden had to take, if Even could" I think Even = Evan?
Fourth paragraph of the post under that says "Unfortunately, this caused a blade to grow from the step he was on slice into his shin." I think after "On" you wanted "and", right?
Post seven, page nine. "was Evan, standing in between a male and a female adult. They were in front of a sign that
said 'Welcome to Edgeville' that stood before a tree sapling." You do realize that earlier in the story you said
that Ivan was the son, and that it was Ivan who founded Edgeville?
First paragraph, post three, page thirty-five. "disfigured hand that came crashing down one the spot" I take "one"
to mean "on", but it was typo'd?
Paragraph four of post four, page thirty-five. "She was fortunate that her arm was still in once piece but her
bones and top layer of skin were a different story." You should put a comma after "piece", as it sounds like you're saying that her bones and top layer of skin being a different story was fortunate. You also say "once piece" rather than "one piece".
27-Oct-2009 04:21:47
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