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28-Feb-2009 09:14:18
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||...Agony...||
Quick find code: 49-50-307-57974397
Your welcome
28-Feb-2009 10:27:15
I read the first chapter, it's a nice piece of work. Unfortunately, however... I can't read any further because the forums make my eyes hurt. I will finish it some day.
Nice work.
Nice work.
01-Mar-2009 10:27:32
Spooky Stuff. Love the story so far. I read both Nightmare and the Fatal Glitch, and they are both excellent pieces of work. I admire your talent to kill of characters in such gruesome ways. Anyways, i cant wait to read the rest of Agony, you have done a great job so far. Congratulations
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02-Mar-2009 02:40:33
Carrotman714’s Review: Agony
In the dead of night, the sky concealed under a billowing veil of black clouds
We knew that already – no need to repeat it. The sky is dark.
Before long, people left their houses, scurrying about the streets in search of others to consult and discuss.
Consult with.
They abandoned their young ones in their search, leaving them isolated and alone inside the dark, dreary houses of Edgeville.
We know we’re inside Edgeville. Cut it off at –the dark, dreary houses.-
"Mummy...?" one child cried out, disturbed by their parent's leave.
Switching ‘leave’ for ‘disappearance’ would benefit you here.
A small girl, barely eleven years of age, crept silently out of her house and towards the group of adults like a mouse slipping out of it's hole for a crumb of cheese.
Its.
The girl seemed to diminish in size and stature, her fear increasing with each passing second she stood in the dim light of the dark night.
~that she stood...~ Also, dark nights give off light?
"I've no idea. They said there was a loud sound like thunder rolling. But there's no rain," Jaden explained calmly. "Right now I'd probably think it's a burglar."
Wait, so Jaden the scaredy-cat is holding onto mom’s leg, and then suddenly he’s Resident Evil Expert? Why shouldn’t he be afraid too?
Her fear peaked when there was a scream.
That’s bland. Her fear peaked when there was a scream.
Maybe something resembling “A chilling scream reverberated through the air, echoing audibly through the murmurs of the crowd. Instant chaos met this noise, and Veronica fell trembling into the mud.
In the dead of night, the sky concealed under a billowing veil of black clouds
We knew that already – no need to repeat it. The sky is dark.
Before long, people left their houses, scurrying about the streets in search of others to consult and discuss.
Consult with.
They abandoned their young ones in their search, leaving them isolated and alone inside the dark, dreary houses of Edgeville.
We know we’re inside Edgeville. Cut it off at –the dark, dreary houses.-
"Mummy...?" one child cried out, disturbed by their parent's leave.
Switching ‘leave’ for ‘disappearance’ would benefit you here.
A small girl, barely eleven years of age, crept silently out of her house and towards the group of adults like a mouse slipping out of it's hole for a crumb of cheese.
Its.
The girl seemed to diminish in size and stature, her fear increasing with each passing second she stood in the dim light of the dark night.
~that she stood...~ Also, dark nights give off light?
"I've no idea. They said there was a loud sound like thunder rolling. But there's no rain," Jaden explained calmly. "Right now I'd probably think it's a burglar."
Wait, so Jaden the scaredy-cat is holding onto mom’s leg, and then suddenly he’s Resident Evil Expert? Why shouldn’t he be afraid too?
Her fear peaked when there was a scream.
That’s bland. Her fear peaked when there was a scream.
Maybe something resembling “A chilling scream reverberated through the air, echoing audibly through the murmurs of the crowd. Instant chaos met this noise, and Veronica fell trembling into the mud.
07-Mar-2009 02:07:50
They entered the room.
this is bland too.
Written on the wall, below the window in blood was one word.
Remove the comma.
Three years past since the first occurrence in which a frightening message was inscripted in blood upon the room of the then eight year old Tristan Tele's bedroom wall.
Three years had passed. Inscribed.
Six of the ten families homed children.
Is ‘homed’ a word? Not *My missile homed in on you’ but ‘My son is homed there?’
These children had lived in Edgeville their lives
~For all of their lives...
The Autumn winds blustered through the nigh deserted town
I’ve never heard a wind bluster. Un-capitalise autumn.
One leaf in particular, the first leaf of it's kind, red and crisp fluttered off the branch
A comma after Crisp. No apostrophe in Its.
spiraling in it's descent
Its.
Each of them had sandy blonde hair, Tristan's long, sleek and dense, Ed's short and curly.
This would do better as two sentences.
Natalie Hammond, twelve years old with strawberry tinged hair
Strawberry-tinged.
short and curly like Edward's, eyes green like a fresh leaf
This would do better as three sentences. All of this.
”Natalie Hammond was twelve years old. Her hair was strawberry-tinged hair, which was short and curly, resembling Edward’s. Her eyes were bright green, like a fresh leaf.”
this is bland too.
Written on the wall, below the window in blood was one word.
Remove the comma.
Three years past since the first occurrence in which a frightening message was inscripted in blood upon the room of the then eight year old Tristan Tele's bedroom wall.
Three years had passed. Inscribed.
Six of the ten families homed children.
Is ‘homed’ a word? Not *My missile homed in on you’ but ‘My son is homed there?’
These children had lived in Edgeville their lives
~For all of their lives...
The Autumn winds blustered through the nigh deserted town
I’ve never heard a wind bluster. Un-capitalise autumn.
One leaf in particular, the first leaf of it's kind, red and crisp fluttered off the branch
A comma after Crisp. No apostrophe in Its.
spiraling in it's descent
Its.
Each of them had sandy blonde hair, Tristan's long, sleek and dense, Ed's short and curly.
This would do better as two sentences.
Natalie Hammond, twelve years old with strawberry tinged hair
Strawberry-tinged.
short and curly like Edward's, eyes green like a fresh leaf
This would do better as three sentences. All of this.
”Natalie Hammond was twelve years old. Her hair was strawberry-tinged hair, which was short and curly, resembling Edward’s. Her eyes were bright green, like a fresh leaf.”
07-Mar-2009 02:10:05
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