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Orbestro
Nov Member 2023

Orbestro

Posts: 14,122 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Here is your review from Full Circle Reviews ^_^
Plot - 37/40
Excellent. Well paced, and completely engaging. You can count on me to be back to see how this horrible (in the best possible way) tale turns out. However, one inconsistency – those who remain in the town do so because they are poor, yet they appear 1) to have no jobs, apart from the banker an 2) to not be poor, if their children’* clothing is any indication.
Characters - 31/35
I had to take off for the dialogue. Your characters themselves are fascinating, but their speech is horribly stilted and unrealistic. These kids sound like fifty year olds when they talk! It’s not something that I can really tell you how to do. Listen to how kids speak at this age, and try to work from there.
Description - 30/30
Perfect, beautiful, wonderful.
Style - 23/25
I love your writing style, but I took off again here for the dialogue.
Mechanics - 19/20
Excellent overall, apart from the few mistakes that I pointed out.

TOTAL - 140/150, or 93%

~ * ~
What I Liked:
Ah, so much. I love how vividly you describe the children and how distinct you make their personalities, even if it does not come out very well when they talk.
I liked the flow of the story, quickly turning normal, boring old Edgeville into a horror-show fit for its own story :)
~ * ~
What I Did*’t Like
Nothing, apart from the inconsistency I pointed out under 'plot' and the dialogue. Since I have nothing else to put here, I'll show you what I mean:
An elder speaking - "This does not concern you child. Go back to your slumber."
Read that, and then read this - "Oh, Veronica! What are you doing out here? Why don't you go back home and get some sleep?"
It's not as harsh, but it sounds like something someone might actually say.
Another example - "I fear your suspicions are correct"
Consider - "I think you're right"
I know it's difficult, but your characters simply cannot talk the same way that you write.
Lorehound
through and through.

07-Feb-2009 21:19:12 - Last edited on 07-Feb-2009 22:07:57 by Orbestro

Orbestro
Nov Member 2023

Orbestro

Posts: 14,122 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
~ * ~
Specific corrections (“>” indicates quoted text):
Prologue
> A deafening crash woke the people of Edgeville from their beds.
You can only really be woken from sleep (aw mom, can’t I have just ten more minutes of ?bed?) – consider changing ‘beds’ to ‘sleep’, or using a different verb.
> In the dead of night, the sky concealed under a billowing veil of black clouds they scrambled out of their sleeping quarters and to their windows to investigate the cause of the sound.
Insert a comma after ‘clouds’, to complete the separation of the descriptive clause (I may have just made that name up, but hey, it works)
> Lanterns were held and worried murmurs heard among the ears of seven children
Just seven? I’m not sure what you were trying to say here, but I don’t think it was to give us an exact count of the number of kids who heard the worried murmurs…
> One child cried out, almost as if they sensed their parents disgrace the home.
Again, not sure what you’re trying to say here.
> Veronica trailed him hesitantly, the mouse who'd gone out for the cheese now staring into the eyes of the cat that guarded it.
What cat? What cheese? That metaphor does not work for me.
Chapter I
> …save for Tristan and Edward Tele, who clambered up the sturdy ladder, aiming for the greatest height achievable.
You cannot refer to something as ‘the’ unless it is the only one of its kind, or if you have mentioned it before. So…what ladder?
Lorehound
through and through.

07-Feb-2009 22:02:28

Orbestro
Nov Member 2023

Orbestro

Posts: 14,122 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
> Natalie Hammond, twelve years old with strawberry tinged hair, short and curly like Edward's, eyes green like a fresh leaf. She was etching shapes and figures into the supple earth with a stick, long dead and departed from the yew tree above her.
The first sentence should be merged into the second, as it is a fragment (there’s no verb!).
> But only while the sun was up they lived in halcyon…
Reverse this – “But only while the sun was up did they live in halcyon peace”. The other change I made was because halcyon is an adjective, and you were using it as a noun.
Chapter II
> She needed to do some thinking and lying on her bed was by her own juristrisction the optimum place to do so.
A better word than ‘jurisdiction’ – which is what I think you were going for :P – would be judgment.
Chapter III
> If the adults and preoccupied, let's go get Georgia, Tristan and Edward."
‘and’ should of course be ‘are’
~ * ~
That's the end of my review! I thoroughly enjoyed your story, and will be coming back for more whether you ask me to review it again or not.
~ O_o rbie
Lorehound
through and through.

07-Feb-2009 22:03:19

Pigwig70
Nov Member 2020

Pigwig70

Posts: 5,682 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
hey carrotman! love your stories. I've posted on (and read) "the fatal glitch" and "nightmare" Those two stories have set my hopes really high! So good luck!
well, i'm on p. 4so far it's good. can't wait for more :)

12-Feb-2009 03:15:45 - Last edited on 15-Feb-2009 16:16:33 by Pigwig70

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