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||...Agony...||
Quick find code: 49-50-307-57974397
"If only this could last." she thought,
Comma after ‘last’
You see, whenever dialogue ends in ‘he said,’ ‘she said,’ or anything like that, it ends in a COMMA. If not, a period. Try ctrl-F’ing for .” he or .” she. I’ll stop picking this out, I expect you to fix it all yourself.
Veronica noted with dread, that she was standing by the Wilderness Ditch.
No comma.
ruins the group searched, for some unknown reason.
No comma.
"Will there ever be a day where you'll learn to be careful?" Robert asked rhetorically
We know it’s rhetoric, no need to re-state it.
With the supervision of the girl being pointless
Remove the first 'the'
"Should w-we see what it w-was?" sis fear of the unknown stuttering his words.
His. Making him stutter.
Inevitably, a horde of black demons burst free
Had burst free.
The church was rebuilt in the west and the ruins remained as a symbol of how you can never be too careful
Tense hop. ~And the ruins HAD remained~
Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!" Georgia interrupted vocally.
She interrupted VOCALLY? O.O that isn’t good adjective usage unless they have other means of communication than vocally. Try “’loudly’ or ‘obtrusively.’
Robert knew Georgia would do it. He also knew that the girl could not be trusted to behave herself in a dungeon full of monsters.
He also understood that trying to change her mind was a nigh impossible feat so he'd have to act fast.
Too many ‘also’s.’ One of the challenges as a writer is to find other words for *also,’ like ‘as well.’
The boy obediently moved to leave, only to be grabbed by the straps of his clothing.
Wait, his clothing has straps? o.O
the grip of a well meaning adult
Well-meaning.
hauling the girl by the pigtails
Hauling the girl by HER pigtails.
Comma after ‘last’
You see, whenever dialogue ends in ‘he said,’ ‘she said,’ or anything like that, it ends in a COMMA. If not, a period. Try ctrl-F’ing for .” he or .” she. I’ll stop picking this out, I expect you to fix it all yourself.
Veronica noted with dread, that she was standing by the Wilderness Ditch.
No comma.
ruins the group searched, for some unknown reason.
No comma.
"Will there ever be a day where you'll learn to be careful?" Robert asked rhetorically
We know it’s rhetoric, no need to re-state it.
With the supervision of the girl being pointless
Remove the first 'the'
"Should w-we see what it w-was?" sis fear of the unknown stuttering his words.
His. Making him stutter.
Inevitably, a horde of black demons burst free
Had burst free.
The church was rebuilt in the west and the ruins remained as a symbol of how you can never be too careful
Tense hop. ~And the ruins HAD remained~
Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!" Georgia interrupted vocally.
She interrupted VOCALLY? O.O that isn’t good adjective usage unless they have other means of communication than vocally. Try “’loudly’ or ‘obtrusively.’
Robert knew Georgia would do it. He also knew that the girl could not be trusted to behave herself in a dungeon full of monsters.
He also understood that trying to change her mind was a nigh impossible feat so he'd have to act fast.
Too many ‘also’s.’ One of the challenges as a writer is to find other words for *also,’ like ‘as well.’
The boy obediently moved to leave, only to be grabbed by the straps of his clothing.
Wait, his clothing has straps? o.O
the grip of a well meaning adult
Well-meaning.
hauling the girl by the pigtails
Hauling the girl by HER pigtails.
07-Mar-2009 02:14:48
Thanks so much for your very detailed review! There are a few things I have to comment on however.
"Wait, so Jaden the scaredy-cat is holding onto mom’s leg, and then suddenly he’s Resident Evil Expert? Why shouldn’t he be afraid too?"
Jaden's a brave kid until the thing starts attacking the town and even after it does, it's one of the few things that scare him. I never intended for him to be afraid, though I guess the way I described it would indicate otherwise. Jaden isn't scared of the situation and is holding to his mum because of her overprotective nature (I should probably describe that a bit more than I have already though.)
The reason you see & sometimes is because I am literally one character off a full stop or something and use & to save space.
"...I thought this was medieval. O.O"
Runescape is not set in medieval times and this has been confirmed numerous times by Jagex Mods. As such, my characters don't need to dress/act like they are in medieval times.
"Roseate is a word? O.o"
According to my spellcheck and Thesaurus dot c[om, yes it is.
"...and a little awkward to be describing o.O"
So...how would you describe where the flower is?
"Wait, his clothing has straps? o.O"
Well, I think they do. XD He's supposed to be wearing the kind of clothes farmers are stereotyped to wearing and he's being pulled by the...thingys...that keep it up. I assumed they were called straps, I dunno how to describe it to you though.
"A pain-stricken...cry of power?!"
Well he's in pain but crying out powerfully as well. What would you suggest I replace it with?
Those aside, I'm very pleased with your review and will correct all the mistakes momentarily.
Thanks again!
"Wait, so Jaden the scaredy-cat is holding onto mom’s leg, and then suddenly he’s Resident Evil Expert? Why shouldn’t he be afraid too?"
Jaden's a brave kid until the thing starts attacking the town and even after it does, it's one of the few things that scare him. I never intended for him to be afraid, though I guess the way I described it would indicate otherwise. Jaden isn't scared of the situation and is holding to his mum because of her overprotective nature (I should probably describe that a bit more than I have already though.)
The reason you see & sometimes is because I am literally one character off a full stop or something and use & to save space.
"...I thought this was medieval. O.O"
Runescape is not set in medieval times and this has been confirmed numerous times by Jagex Mods. As such, my characters don't need to dress/act like they are in medieval times.
"Roseate is a word? O.o"
According to my spellcheck and Thesaurus dot c[om, yes it is.
"...and a little awkward to be describing o.O"
So...how would you describe where the flower is?
"Wait, his clothing has straps? o.O"
Well, I think they do. XD He's supposed to be wearing the kind of clothes farmers are stereotyped to wearing and he's being pulled by the...thingys...that keep it up. I assumed they were called straps, I dunno how to describe it to you though.
"A pain-stricken...cry of power?!"
Well he's in pain but crying out powerfully as well. What would you suggest I replace it with?
Those aside, I'm very pleased with your review and will correct all the mistakes momentarily.
Thanks again!
07-Mar-2009 10:49:25 - Last edited on 07-Mar-2009 11:52:48 by Infinity A8
We already have "Gnomecopters!" Why not have driveable sleighs for the next Christmas event?
Welcome, Iggy. Thanks for pointing out my error. =P
Welcome, Iggy. Thanks for pointing out my error. =P
08-Mar-2009 04:59:24
I try not to write once I've requested a review but now that Elf's done his fantastic job I'll get on it soon.
08-Mar-2009 06:18:33
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