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Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I'm sorry this took so long to post. Hopefully the wait was worth it.
"True Love"
I thought this piece was a little bit conceited; it almost tried too hard to be romantic. I didn't like how the story kept using pronouns, and by the middle of the second paragraph, I'd already guessed the ending. If it's any consolation, I had pictured a dog, but I'm more of a dog person and my dog's right next to me as I read through it. It's also rather vacuous. Despite the subject matter (in which content can be almost anything), there was little plot, little motion. The piece didn't progress even as I read.
I did like the first paragraph, though it's style was strikingly different from the rest. This was all the gratuitous backdrop needed.
"The Clairvoyant"
I thought this piece was exceptionally pretentious. The rhyme scheme was inconsistent and the metre was hard to follow, so a lot of what might have been acceptable pleasantries were lost to the land of fluff. When I read it, it was almost like you came up with six or seven key lines you wanted to say and then you worked your poem around incorporating them. The thing about this is that it's alright, provided that the reader can't tell. I'd suggest in the future accommodating the flow of the poem instead of trying to force it to adhere to your requisites. It is interesting that you forced it to fit in those lines but did not force it to maintain an intelligible rhyme or metre (the latter of which is more important).
A weird coincidence is that your final two lines are nearly identical in meaning to some I wrote in a poem hosted on Yrolg's Omnibus. I just found this intriguing, as I was particularly fond of them in both pieces.

19-Nov-2010 04:48:21

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"A Sonnet That Isn't A Sonnet"
I really liked the content of the beginning. I felt like some of your message was lost in the third stanza, but overall this is one of the better metrical poems I've read on these forums. I personally am not a fan of sonnets or the forced iambic pentameter, as many aspiring poets struggle to fit verses within its measure. You have, unfortunately, fallen into this category; certain lines were forced and distracting. I still maintain that I really do like the beginning of this very much.
"Untitled" (written to make your girlfriend mad)
I found the end to this to be anticlimactic (and as that was probably censored, I'll say anti-high point). It dwelled on the edge of being bathetic. The half-stanza ending to your poems is also starting to get old. I found a majority of this to be inconsequential and I didn't particularly like the poem.
"Sestina"
Without a doubt, my favorite of your pieces. From a rough guess on what this could score in Yrolg's Reviews, you would without a doubt have earned at least the 85% mark, which is, despite its appearance, a great statement about the superior quality of this piece. Keep in mind that the highest score I've even given is in the 70s. There are some places, however, where improvement could be made.
I didn't like the overuse of the word "coat". I saw from the second use, which is very good, that ineptitude was being purposefully flogged by overuse—this was actually an interesting and not detractory addition.The coat, however, was reintroduced only at the end, and throughout the entire last two stanzas I couldn't help but think of the coat still as that thin layer of sweat. I think you should incorporate it more throughout the entire piece.

19-Nov-2010 04:49:00

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I also didn't like the calling of the dog inept; it debased the idea of the poem, which was that the leadership of humanity was inept and that such ineptitude was characteristic only of humans. This idea is what made the ragnarok at the end so believable.
Other than further flow issues, word choice, and some metrical issues, I think this piece is fantastic. The fact that it is a sestina, however, really makes it remarkable. I did not notice at all that it was following that pattern (though I was conscious because of the title), and that is very good.
Innfest Round 2
I don't feel comfortable commenting on this piece because you are not the sole author. This makes a majority of what I normally comment on irrelevant.
Innfest Round 3
This seemed really unprofessional to me. Its conversational style and interrupted progression really were unbecoming. I also didn't like that there was no real plot, no content. The piece didn't leave me with any message, and it appeared to have no purpose or theme.
"Evisceration"
Firstly, eviscerate is one of my favorite words in speech. I might be biased. I thought the poem itself wasn't professional, but this was not in such a bad way. It had a light, careless style, and that fit perfectly with the poem. I liked the puns. It's not something that would rate highly, but it is something that's quick and fun to read.
The Limericks
These, no offense, are not worthy commenting on. It's not that I think I'm too good to comment, it's just that I don't think my comments would do much good. They're upbeat, light, playful poems. I dislike such poems for criticism because they lack the professional atmosphere that is conducive to most deep, meaningful poetry. I also in general dislike limericks acutely.

19-Nov-2010 04:49:13 - Last edited on 19-Nov-2010 04:50:25 by Yrolg

One Hot Stud
Feb Member 2017

One Hot Stud

Posts: 2,507 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
As I said in the story discussions, thank you for the feedback. Much of the writing is fairly old and the Innfest entries you actually graded (being one of the judges) and I'm not surprised that my last entry for the contest recieved the same feedback as the last time you read it.

21-Nov-2010 18:48:07

One Hot Stud
Feb Member 2017

One Hot Stud

Posts: 2,507 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I wrote Clairvoyant with the vision of it becoming a song. Of course, in my head it fits perfectly, but I've yet to conquer the ability to make others see my exact rhythm. Most poems I write won't have a set, constant style. You won't be able to set a metronome at a certain tempo and recite my writings. That's the way I write and it's my personal belief that poetry doesn't have to fit into a strict set of rules. Of course, if it's not in iambic pentameter, I can't call my "sonnet" a sonnet. Or anything of the like. A haiku isn't a haiku if the first line has six syllables.
I love my sestina. I found it easy to write and it was long enough to write a small story. I'm positive that you understood my message crystal clear, except that the same coat you didn't like I intentionally set that way. I imagined an absolute change viewed after a particular set of events. Clean, warm, fluffy coat is instantly transformed into tattered rag. Beginning to end. Quite similar to how you see a feather floating in the beginning of a movie, but the damn feather doesn't show up again until the ending right before the credits. It doesn't have as much of an impact as if that feather was seen throughout the movie, but it was how I wanted my poem to be.

I'm assuming you're one who appreciates poetry who can fit strict limits and be wonderfully full of detail and give a story, and I'm perfectly fine with that. I used to be like that too, but I've started to become affectionate to poetry where you have to use your imagination to fit the pattern. Bending the rules is quite fun.
I'm fairly optimistic (I've learned NOT to do that, but I think it'd be worth a go) about your words on my sestina and I will post it on your review thread with the knowledge that you are quite busy and the hope that you will find some time this month.

Once again, I'm incredibly grateful for the feedback. It's so hard to get something that in-depth in these times.

21-Nov-2010 19:08:18

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