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Gielinor and Darsys

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97swiftarm

97swiftarm

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Hush Ava! would
CAPITAL! GAH!
others bake, That's how it has always been."
UNCAPTIALISE OR FULL STOP! GAH!
quiet strength and a proud strength
Repition of strength makes the setence rather clunky. Maybe just say "Quiet and proud strength"?
~~~~~~
Nice lead up and introduction! I wonder what genre this shall set into?
Also, I liked the way you described the sisters. Brilliant, as always ^_^

03-Sep-2008 05:59:25

Roshinda

Roshinda

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Thank you DS. (Though you needn't be so uptight about a couple of typos lol).
I was rushed, trying to get as much posted today before company arrived, and I didn't proofread as many times as I should have. Also, it's very hard to tell the difference between a comma and a period on my screen, in my weak defense.
Also, I totally added "quiet strength" at the last minute, and I forgot I'd used "proud strength" earlier. Another hazard of writing quickly.
Thanks again!

03-Sep-2008 06:19:47 - Last edited on 03-Sep-2008 06:22:35 by Roshinda

Dreamweaver
Aug Member 2003

Dreamweaver

Posts: 3,790 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Ah-ha! We have a mysterious start, then a comfortable lead into the main story. This is excellent stuff, written with the same exquisite descriptive work and metaphorical color that we'd come to expect... if only you wrote frequently enough for us to be expectant.
So now that you are, I'm thoroughly excited! Well done and keep it rolling. I'm intrigued.
Dreamweaver

04-Sep-2008 02:27:05 - Last edited on 05-Sep-2008 02:14:21 by Dreamweaver

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