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Shorts, Fragments, and Verse
Quick find code: 49-50-273-63704077
No, Yrolg; I do speak both, but English is my first language.
19-Jun-2012 14:23:11
Thanks for dropping by, Coz! I've noticed that's something of a problem of mine, but it doesn't often stay on my mind. In other words, I'm glad you noticed it because it will help me remember to fix such a problem in the future.
22-Jun-2012 16:13:56
Hi there.
As promised, here is my feedback for the piece you chose. This feedback is being provided because you were chosen by YROLG'S REVIEWS as an active community contributor. Please continue to advance the forum interests and engage the Stories Forum community!
Please remember that if you would ever like a comprehensive review of a story, novel, or poem, Yrolg's Reviews offers those as well. Applications open periodically.
THE CLOCK, THE BOARD, AND THE SOULS
By Yam42
"…back to the door looked up and his opponent and chuckled…"
Perhaps looked at his opponent and chuckled?
Overall I liked this piece for its circumstances, but I think good advances can be made in a few key areas to improve its relationship with the reader and further promote its message.
I didn't like that you had bestial sounds coming from the younger player; it almost dehumanized him when you had him so consistently snarling and growling. Perhaps using different descriptions of his evocations? I think, after all, your point in the piece was to transfer disdain for the young boy at the beginning and translate that emotion into sympathy for his inexorable decline by the end. You emphasize the cunning nature of the elder, so it is only fair to at least make human the nature of the young boy.
Also, while I loved the idea of the prince being more than just a piece in the game of chess, I was not satisfied with him symbolism in the piece. I feel like the elder man's description of his legacy was a little too transparent as a bout of messaging and perhaps too unclear in the actual message. I'd like to see the context of the statement for slyly put in place and the message itself clarified and hidden away.
The bookends of the clock were great, and I liked the ending that was ostensibly open but gave strong indications of the end result.
As promised, here is my feedback for the piece you chose. This feedback is being provided because you were chosen by YROLG'S REVIEWS as an active community contributor. Please continue to advance the forum interests and engage the Stories Forum community!
Please remember that if you would ever like a comprehensive review of a story, novel, or poem, Yrolg's Reviews offers those as well. Applications open periodically.
THE CLOCK, THE BOARD, AND THE SOULS
By Yam42
"…back to the door looked up and his opponent and chuckled…"
Perhaps looked at his opponent and chuckled?
Overall I liked this piece for its circumstances, but I think good advances can be made in a few key areas to improve its relationship with the reader and further promote its message.
I didn't like that you had bestial sounds coming from the younger player; it almost dehumanized him when you had him so consistently snarling and growling. Perhaps using different descriptions of his evocations? I think, after all, your point in the piece was to transfer disdain for the young boy at the beginning and translate that emotion into sympathy for his inexorable decline by the end. You emphasize the cunning nature of the elder, so it is only fair to at least make human the nature of the young boy.
Also, while I loved the idea of the prince being more than just a piece in the game of chess, I was not satisfied with him symbolism in the piece. I feel like the elder man's description of his legacy was a little too transparent as a bout of messaging and perhaps too unclear in the actual message. I'd like to see the context of the statement for slyly put in place and the message itself clarified and hidden away.
The bookends of the clock were great, and I liked the ending that was ostensibly open but gave strong indications of the end result.
25-Jun-2012 01:31:51
Hey, thanks for the feedback, Yrolg! I'm honored to hear you say that I am an active contributor to the community!
I'd also like to thank you for pointing out that typo. (Although I must say that I am very embarrassed to have made it because I proofread the piece numerous times before posting it).
Well, it appears I may need to rework this piece as the intended theme is not being effectively communicated. You see, it's not some sort of racial piece. The reader is not supposed to feel sorry for the young man because the story is an allegory.
The young man is dehumanized because he is not human. (Technically, I suppose neither of them are human). You see, I used "Joe" as a diminutive of "Jehovah", and "Luc" for "Lucifer". So quite frankly, the reader is supposed to be on the side of the old man.
The circumstances that caused the match to begin is the cosmic battle between good and evil, personified by the white versus the black. The rooks represent the citizens of Israel at the time of Christ's life. The knights and bishops represent various prophets and advocates. The fact that the white ones have been captured symbolizes the finality of death before the resurrection of Christ.
The prince, a.k.a. Joe's son, a.k.a. "Jesse", is a play-on-words of the name "Jesus". His role is to defeat evil and free the servants of the light (in this case, the advocates whose pieces disappear upon their arrival in the celestial room).
Perhaps I ought to go through and make the younger one a bit more dis-likeable and the older man a bit less (what some people think all the smiling is about) smug.
Thanks for the review! I think I need to get to work!
I'd also like to thank you for pointing out that typo. (Although I must say that I am very embarrassed to have made it because I proofread the piece numerous times before posting it).
Well, it appears I may need to rework this piece as the intended theme is not being effectively communicated. You see, it's not some sort of racial piece. The reader is not supposed to feel sorry for the young man because the story is an allegory.
The young man is dehumanized because he is not human. (Technically, I suppose neither of them are human). You see, I used "Joe" as a diminutive of "Jehovah", and "Luc" for "Lucifer". So quite frankly, the reader is supposed to be on the side of the old man.
The circumstances that caused the match to begin is the cosmic battle between good and evil, personified by the white versus the black. The rooks represent the citizens of Israel at the time of Christ's life. The knights and bishops represent various prophets and advocates. The fact that the white ones have been captured symbolizes the finality of death before the resurrection of Christ.
The prince, a.k.a. Joe's son, a.k.a. "Jesse", is a play-on-words of the name "Jesus". His role is to defeat evil and free the servants of the light (in this case, the advocates whose pieces disappear upon their arrival in the celestial room).
Perhaps I ought to go through and make the younger one a bit more dis-likeable and the older man a bit less (what some people think all the smiling is about) smug.
Thanks for the review! I think I need to get to work!
25-Jun-2012 03:00:11
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