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Xereva

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Okay, Poller. Your turn.

I'll start with a disclaimer: this critique is going to be almost entirely a matter of opinion. Technically, your piece is nearly flawless; there are a couple errors in capitalization and sentence structure, which I'll get to in a bit. But I take issue with the tone, and it's hard for me to tell whether I do because it genuinely doesn't work or because I'm not all that fond of it myself.

Anyway, I'll get to it.

Your description is thick. It's good, occasionally brilliant, but there is so much of it that it is overwhelming. I see it even in the first couple of sentences: "Relaxing was moving, carried by the living current. To stop was an act of defiance, static opposition to the dynamism of the metropolis." You could have made do with the first sentence, leaving the second implied—at least, that is what seems sensible to me. Your entire assignment is filled with bits like that, one sentence introducing an impression, the next continuing it, the next continuing it further, and so on. I would recommend that you restrain yourself and be a bit more sparing, using one sentence instead of two or three, and so building up a sense of the environment from more angles and small impressions rather than making a few startling observations the center point.

Overwrought, is the word that comes to mind. Which isn't to say that it's entirely bad, as you maintain the tone and its seriousness throughout, and better than some published fantasy authors that I've read in the past. My favorite part of your piece, and where your description works the best, was when Lyrdan is witness to the vision. I particularly like how you introduced the words of the chant. They have power the way you write them, more than I remember them having in the original quest.

Your poem isn't half bad either, although I won't give you specific critique there since it's a whole other field that I'm not used to or good at discussing. Just un-capitalize the first 'I' in 'Silverlight.'

27-Jun-2013 05:06:10

Xereva

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The irony is that, in the end, I get more of a feeling of the experience that Lyrdan has gone through than the environment itself. The purple fabric stands out in my mind, the crystal ball at once ordinary and infinite. I see bits and pieces of the environment your character is walking through. But so much of the story is what goes on in his head, and you give more attention to the story than you do to the place.

It's hard for me to find more to discuss. As I said, your work is technically almost flawless. Your last line is spectacular; I feel like I've heard the phrase 'under stranger heavens' before, but I think I'm deluding myself. (Just get rid of the accidental 's' in 'strangers' there.) You have a penchant for alliteration ( "words as whispering wind whirled around me" ) that I'm not sure if I like or not, but it shows up a lot and I'm not sure if it's intentional. Thought I'd draw your attention to it. You also tend to use 'thousand thousand' a lot. I count three times.

So, to summarize: your tone is consistent, if a bit overwrought; you focus more on internal reaction than the environment; and you have barely any errors on the technical side. It's a compelling piece for the plot, but as an assignment, it falls short of providing the feel of Aris' tent beyond the obvious visual details and some showpiece moments like looking into the crystal ball.

I had a hard time writing this critique, so please ask for clarification if you need it. I'm afraid that I've been unclear in my opinions. I did like it, but I'm finding it hard to explain the specifics.

27-Jun-2013 05:06:21 - Last edited on 27-Jun-2013 05:06:47 by Xereva

Dec

2023

Poller5

Posts: 11,421 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Thanks, Xen.

Yeah, I get that the style is a little bit take-it-or-leave-it. Over-wrought is probably a good word for it, and some of the thought behind that was to sort of "pummel" the reader with the images and experiences the same way Lyrdan was; the whole idea is that it's just an overwhelming environment and experience (the Lovecraftian influences are probably quite visible in a few points), and I figured that that sort of thing had to be written in an "appropriate" way. That said, I will take your advice about building environments more subtly, and try to work more with that in stories less amenable to this sort of language.

Basically, what happened re: environment vs. experience that, firstly, I probably chose a poor "environment" to try to describe in detail, and secondly (or as an extension of that), I found that I had to move the story into narrative or else hopelessly stagnate. The underlying idea was that there were places in Varrock that weren't of Varrock (which was something Chuk seemed to me to touch on in his piece, whence the idea). The couplet near the beginning was the first concrete thing I had in my head (inspired by the lines in Coleridge's Rime of the Ancient Mariner : "A thousand thousand slimy things/Lived on; and so did I." ), and the initial, strange idea of a simple curtain cutting off the entire city.

The other idea with the environment was an attempted ambiguity as to whether it was going on in his head, or whether he himself had been consumed by whatever power Aris held and transported to some other dimension. But like I said, as the story grew, it definitely drifted away from simple environmental description.

I don't thiiiink that I took "under stranger heavens" from anything, though subconscious inspiration is always possible. At any rate, I'm glad you liked it, as I'm rather fond of it myself. As for the alliteration, it is more or less intentional, or at least something my mind seems to find desirable as..

27-Jun-2013 05:45:41

Dec

2023

Poller5

Posts: 11,421 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

I search for words. It's no coincidence that the poem, if you take a quick look, is written in an alliterative metre.

At any rate, thanks for the insightful comments. It definitely wasn't the best entry for the assignment, but as an independent piece I do quite like how it turned out. It might almost work better for this week's assignment, as an exploration of the magic of prophecy... Oh well. I'll just have to figure something else out for that.

27-Jun-2013 05:48:21

Chuk

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So I thought I'd responded days ago, but apparently not. The main reason for the tone and the dense description was that I was writing as if I was a fictional character writing a letter to a friend/cousin/etc who's coming to visit Varrock, and is, perhaps, a bit more interested in oddities than is good for him. That's certainly why it's so direct, and why there's nothing to break it up. It's like, 'here, you asked about the place, this is what I have to say about that.' Maybe it would have worked better if I'd included a line about that near the beginning.

I also definitely understand the sense of repetition, because I definitely described in a very list based format. Each piece of the place gets its own paragraph, and they're only related as parts of a whole at the conclusion (which might be part of why you liked the ending.)

Incidentally, I do find it a bit surprising that you really did like the ending, because in hindsight, I think it would have worked better to combine the last and second to last paragraphs into one that was about 2/3 - 3/4 as long while carrying most of the same emotions and feelings. I felt like I sort of wrapped things up twice, almost.

Thanks for the critiques as always. Certainly gives me things to think about.

28-Jun-2013 02:20:38

Dec

2023

Poller5

Posts: 11,421 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

On the topic of the current assignment, I was swamped with exams at the beginning of the "week" and then the requisite post-exam celebrations this weekend, so I haven't been able to take a good look at it yet, though I still intend to.

30-Jun-2013 06:09:07

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Woops, I completely forgot about this thread. But here I am. Magic is a difficult thing to depict. I had to retype this three times, and each stage was almost a completely different story. Its crudely based upon earlier ideas, I hope that’s ok, I’ve never seen anything similar anywhere else to the best of my ignorance. It is free of metaphors and senseless macabre. The attempt was to instill awe and wonder to the reader, hopefully I did that well with both world and magic of the story.

I also look forward to the other submissions!

30-Jun-2013 21:41:50

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

Weapon Factory

There was once an antique land of strange qualities. It was a dark world, consisting of strange mechanical walls covered with chains. The walls were always moving, the mechanisms inside always working, like an array of giant jigsaw puzzles. The ceiling was of similar nature, and hanging from it were dangling chains and limb-like extensions that were up to several hundred feet long, sometimes curving or curling on their own, swaying playfully.

The floor was made of yellow glass, endless in all directions, and the glass glowed, shedding light like a giant, flat light bulb. There were many passages and tunnels everywhere; one could enter the floor, the walls, or the ceiling via the many passages throughout the world, which led to other places, rooms, floors, compositions and areas. There were not two rooms alike, and every one was potentially thousands of feet tall and wide.

In one room, a small one, stood a creature. The creature was quite huge, heavily built and easily over eight feet tall. The creature was humanoid, having a big head and enlarged cranium, but was absent of skin, ears, nose, nostrils, eyes, lips and cheeks, so its gums and teeth were always visible, its head like a giant meaty olive with a mouth. The creature had huge teeth and its canines were in pairs. Without skin, its muscles and nervous system was visible, held together from within. The creature was always drooling and sweating, and its body even excreted blood.

The creature was walking down a corridor, back bent, huge shoulders swaying, looking around even though it did not have eyes, not even eye sockets. Every step it took, it left behind a bloody footprint, which dried and clumped quickly on the warm light bulb-like flooring.

Flanked by walls of mechanical parts, including rattling chains, blades, hooks, and other strange articles, it soon turned a corner and entered a hallway.

30-Jun-2013 21:42:08

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

The hallway was octagonal in shape, and straight and empty of mechanical things. However, suspended from the ceiling were swaying mechanical lengths, curling as they moved on their own. Everything in the hallway was covered with frost, and every several seconds, warm wind blew back and forth for a moment, melting most of the frost and causing the mechanical things to shimmer.

The creature entered the hallway, feeling the warm wind come from one direction, sounding like a breath, and then leave the opposite direction, melted ice dripping down onto the creature’s head and dripping down its head, but once the air was gone, the droplets froze.

Cold, the creature shivered, lower teeth clicking against the upper, but he made his way down the hallway nonetheless. At the end of the hall, there was a wide domed room, and on the wall a huge window of blackness, perhaps fifty feet wide and tall, which was breathing the warm air. From within the window, were shadowy limbs and faces trying to get through the window, but some force held them back. Flanking the room were huge jars filled with liquid that glowed like the light of fire, surrounded at the base and top with moving mechanics. Inside the jars were dismembered body parts, bones, skulls,

On both knees before the window was a robed and hooded man, praying fervently; the stronger he prayed, the farther the things within the window could move. The creature noticed and ran towards the man like an ape, breathing with such force that blood spewed out between its clenched teeth.

The man heard but did nothing, and then a mechanical arm shot down from above, clawing the creature in the head and digging its claws through his scalp. The creature head butted the air and caused the claw to rip out its head. The man stood up and spun around, lifting his chin briefly, and then several spikes at the end of wires arched at the creature from the sides of the room, stabbing into the creature.

30-Jun-2013 21:42:22

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile

The wires continued flying from whence they came, and the wires coiled themselves around the creature before it was able to pounce upon the man. The man calmed down once the creature was held in place, thrashing about violently and grinding its teeth.

“Stay there, or maybe I will put you in one of those jars this time.” The man said.

He focused back to the window and prayed; it was revealed that wires were entering the window from the rim, and now the shadowy faces were groaning and moaning, more appearing and more limbs clawing out the window, almost reaching the man, but he did not budge. Whenever a long clawed arm went too close to him, a hook or blade at the end of a slender length of machinery shot from the walls or ceiling to lop it off.

The creature was grabbing its mechanical cage and trying to rip it off himself, but the wires cut his hands. The man continued praying, but then noticed something beyond the window; a huge figure was slithering towards him. As the figure got close, it appeared to be a giant intestine, mounted with a skull dozens of feet wide and tall, and beneath the skull were two arms that went off to the sides, ending in colossal hands with claws.

The intestine, which was several feet thick but so long its length disappeared into the blackness, slithered like a snake, and the hands clawed at invisible things to move itself. The monster reached the window and burst through it, the skull smashing through the upper rim and cascading mechanical thing, jaw opening and closing repeatedly, the man running off to the side.

Its two titanic hands soon appeared, squeezing through the window and clawing the floor, destroying chunks of it and sending shards of glass flying everywhere. Immediately, the man summoned the machinery to attack the monster, lengths ending in spikes, hooks, blades, grinders and spinning things whipping into the meaty skull and its arms, ripping flesh apart and spewing blood.

30-Jun-2013 21:42:39

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