==========
---You examine the warrior, experimenting his skills in battle.
Which one? Earlier you mentioned multiple ones. I suggest either changing it so he sees one, or saying he walks up to a particular one.
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---He whips out his crude bronze sword, the golden hilt becoming a sideways glance.
Becoming a sideways glance? What?
==========
---“He slashed this way and that,[...]”
You are writing present tense, no?
==========
---Quick as lightning, he whips out a bow and arrow, and deposits the sword and shield in his inventory
I dislike the concept of “In his inventory”, could you at least say “Slung over his back”?
==========
He starts to rapidly fire, looking a bit nervous. You observe that he is obviously not skilled in the art of range
Perhaps better to delete the second sentence and put:
“He starts to rapidly fire in a rather sloppy, and inexperienced manner, a nervous look on his face.”
Do not tell the reader – show them.
==========
---He takes out two rune stones, one appeared to be an air rune, and you are just able to make out the symbol on the mind rune.
Comma splice = bad.
Replace the first comma with a semicolon.
==========
---The runes crumble to the floor, as he starts to revolve the swirling air ball in his hands.
I don’t think the comma is needed. Perhaps it should be combined with the pervious sentence via a semicolon for flow.
==========
---He thrusts his hands out, and the swirling air mass collides with the goblin, sending the creature tumbling over, smashing his head against a house.
It has so many actions it sounds unnatural. I suggest you break up into multiple sentences.
==========
---His head lolls to the side, and it finally falls forward.
He was decapitated? I think you meant ‘and HE finally falls forward’.
==========
---[...]and the warrior walked over to affirm[...]
He ‘walked’? Change it to present tense.
“He walks”
==========
---You examine the warrior, experimenting his skills in battle.
Which one? Earlier you mentioned multiple ones. I suggest either changing it so he sees one, or saying he walks up to a particular one.
==========
---He whips out his crude bronze sword, the golden hilt becoming a sideways glance.
Becoming a sideways glance? What?
==========
---“He slashed this way and that,[...]”
You are writing present tense, no?
==========
---Quick as lightning, he whips out a bow and arrow, and deposits the sword and shield in his inventory
I dislike the concept of “In his inventory”, could you at least say “Slung over his back”?
==========
He starts to rapidly fire, looking a bit nervous. You observe that he is obviously not skilled in the art of range
Perhaps better to delete the second sentence and put:
“He starts to rapidly fire in a rather sloppy, and inexperienced manner, a nervous look on his face.”
Do not tell the reader – show them.
==========
---He takes out two rune stones, one appeared to be an air rune, and you are just able to make out the symbol on the mind rune.
Comma splice = bad.
Replace the first comma with a semicolon.
==========
---The runes crumble to the floor, as he starts to revolve the swirling air ball in his hands.
I don’t think the comma is needed. Perhaps it should be combined with the pervious sentence via a semicolon for flow.
==========
---He thrusts his hands out, and the swirling air mass collides with the goblin, sending the creature tumbling over, smashing his head against a house.
It has so many actions it sounds unnatural. I suggest you break up into multiple sentences.
==========
---His head lolls to the side, and it finally falls forward.
He was decapitated? I think you meant ‘and HE finally falls forward’.
==========
---[...]and the warrior walked over to affirm[...]
He ‘walked’? Change it to present tense.
“He walks”
==========
05-Mar-2009 16:10:11
