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---[...] as the ghost releases a scream as you've never heard before.
I suggest “as the ghost releases a scream, the likes of which you’ve never heard before”
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---You are driven by madness, nothing, absolutely nothing will stop you from destroying it!
Why an exclamation point? I don’t get why it’s needed.
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---You slice here and there, the bright Al Kharid sun glimmering on the ectoplasm of the scythe.
Z0MG!!!! COMMA SPLICEZNESS! Comma splices ftl; replace first comma with a semicolon.
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---You continue your rampage, and prepare for the final blow against the poor creature.
You use ‘and’ so much; I suggest you either break up into two sentences to avoid yet another ‘and’ or just replace the comma with a semicolon and ‘and’ with a ‘you.
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---You trail upwards and away, the city of Al Kharid becoming a speck in the entire continent of Gielnor
Replace comma with a semicolon.
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---You decide to deposit the scythe, waiting for yet another day to do your debts as a reaper.
Your debts? I don’t understand...
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You, you, you, every sentence begins with it; try using either other words, or making it intentional with semicolons.
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How did he see the people fighting goblins and spiders? I assume he looked out of a window, but you should specify that.
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---You walk out of the church, walking across the long bridge to the other side, feeling nostalgia as you walk near the guarded gate.
This sentence isn’t right – I suggest revising to one of the following.
• You walk out of the church; walking across the long bridge to the other side, you begin to feel nostalgia. You walk up near the guarded gate.
• You walk out of the church. As you walk across the long bridge and up to the guarded gate, a feeling of nostalgia comes over you.
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05-Mar-2009 16:09:40
