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Azigarath

Azigarath

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Ah, the best for last! I do recall seeing this story in 2009, and I know I at least clicked on it. Well, after four years, I am back to this thread to read beyond the first few posts. I’ll try to make my last critique a bit longer than usual, seeing as this may be the last story I read from you.

“Has a scar on his left eye, resembling a crescent moon.”
Marcello’s last name sounds quite Arabic, is that scar a coincidence? In legend, the Holy Prophet, peace be upon him, flew a winged horse to the moon to cut it in half, hence becoming the symbol of his teachings. Or so that’s one version of it, I’m sure there are others.

“He wears a navy blue long sleeved ripped trench coat, under it is a white plain shirt, under that is > iron chainmail < .”
Good, now I can dance.

In one of my stories, I also have a character named Baal, that is, his race is titled by that name. But his race consist of gigantic, tentacled and arm-sided, slug-like creatures with an eye a the back of the throat rather than outside the head. I found the first bio’s backstory to be much more captivating than all others out of all stories.

“Upon the hilt of the sword is the Juleonlos' family seal.”
I’ll assume Janak Juleonlos’s family seal is described later, but if not, what is it like? Sarah Wolfsbane’s pendant has a similar issue.

“But some say he can be kind and thoughtful.”
Who says Joshua can be kind? Weasel words, at least in my opinion, don’t really have much weight as they don’t shed much light on the subject, but oh well.

“forged out of diamond”
But diamonds aren’t metal, you can’t forge something that isn’t metal. Speaking of which, in the modern world, diamonds can be synthetically “grown”. I wonder what would be if a diamond was shaped into a blade and put onto a hilt, or maybe the entire weapon one-piece from a diamond.

“Visdin and Sarah were given a mission - to kill the Crimson Reaper. The next night, they found him.”
Well, that was fast.

12-Aug-2013 09:52:05

Azigarath

Azigarath

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“The dart hits right below Jim's collarbone. Jim falls to the ground as blood began to pour to the floor.”
That’s a really tough dart.

“The Assassin Vezyfher and the Assassin Hunter Marcello were battling to the death.”
Um, I can kinda assume that on my own by now. :/

*Janak pulled the arrow out.”
Depending on what kind of arrow, it’d be really painful to just pull it out. On a side note, medieval arrows were designed to have only socketed arrowheads, so that if an arrow was pulled out, the arrowhead was likely to disconnect from the shaft, leaving the arrowhead inside. This almost killed Henry the Fifth (I think I already mentioned this somewhere else?), but he did finish the battle despite having an arrow through the face. When the arrow was pulled out, the arrowhead was still deep within his cheekbone. As such, Janak could potentially continue fighting with an arrow inside of him as described in the beginning of Chapter 4.

““Don't be a dork.”
This made me chuckle. I want to see such a quote in an action film one day.

Ouch, the evil stepfather and mother was really, really bad, albeit you did give me a warning.

I do agree with Ark that Raven conveniently happens to be nearby for Janak.

Dante and his friends make a brief appearance.

The chapter title “A Dance with Death” has been used more than once by you, I’m pretty sure anyways. I did the same once in the same story, naming two different titles with the same title.

“From the ceiling was Nyx standing upside down like a bat.”
Not sure what that one means, I think “hanging upside down” would’ve fitted better.

Assassins and then knights fight the heroes.

I don’t know anything about Final Fantasy.

Acubens dies by fire in one minute.

“The two's swords collided with each other's blade, causing an almost blinding light.”
Steel on steel, especially edges, can cause sparks. There is then a magic explosion between the two, or something like that.

12-Aug-2013 09:52:30

Azigarath

Azigarath

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“cutting the assassin in half from the gut up.”
It is certainly possible, but with ribs and the spinal cord in the way, unlikely. There are accounts, however, from Europe to the Middle East, India to Japan, that people’s heads can be split in half from the top and a blade continuing down to the sternum.

Marcello kills the king.

Salomon is the one responsible for the hunt.

“”Who in Ba'al 's name”
Ah, I can see why the ‘ is before the s. Speaking of which, in my story where I mentioned a race titled Baal, one character, who must face them says, “Let’s kick some Baals.” (Plural of Baal is Baalim)

“But the Raven Reapers wouldn't fall to the ground despite being hit, his scythe would just go through them without cutting.”
I don’t quite get this sentence, unfortunately. I feel sorry for the janitor, too.

Raven gets scared and runs away, but trips (I’m assuming tripping over a corpse). Villains have a tendency to trip whenever they run away.

“And Marcello seemed shocked and angry. He was..”
I bet it’s Abaddon’s true son.

Ark offers a critique about villains. I suppose I can do the same. My own villains are not truly villainous, but are generally an opposing force who do not really have anything to do with the heroes directly. I have a recurring villain, Spiritus, who is a humanoid dragon who had been skinned of his scales and exterior, so he walks around with exposed flesh, veins, arteries, bones, muscles, tendons and so on.

He would be the headmaster of one of the many hells in my stories, and is not really purely evil but is controversial. For example, during The Moth’s Wings, a bio’s family is in one of his hells, and he offers the bio to enter hell so that the bio can visit her family there. She does not accept and ends up fighting Spiritus and his minions, some of which turn out to be some of her family members.

12-Aug-2013 09:53:04

Azigarath

Azigarath

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I felt this was effective because it forces a tough question to the reader, “If your family was taken and trapped in hell, occasionally allowed to leave as deformed mind-controlled minions, would you accept an invitation to see them at the cost of becoming a deformed, mind-controlled minion?”

I feel that effective villains do more than just antagonize the characters, but also antagonize the reader. Your reader is important, too, and if you can get your reader to be driven by protagonists and antagonists, generally you will create an effect that lasts a long time. As Ark mentions about science, I will comment that sometimes silence is stronger than words; actions speak louder than words after all.

Anyways, back to the story.

''The man behind the mask this entire time was Khalid, Acubens' left hand man.''
Darn, it’s not Abaddon’s true son.

The brothers fight.

Lev should have appeared to be a six-year-old, now that would have been epic. Uh, maybe not.

Thinking about Marcello’s glasses, they seem to have stayed on his face all this time without ever falling off.

After more fighting, Nyx appears, sitting on a tree cut down with one stroke.

““I can't stop my body from attacking!” she replied. “It's like it has a mind of it's own!””
I will admit, after reading this sentence, a few dirty thoughts popped in my head. I think the mind-control occurred pretty late. Anyways, “it’s” should be “its”.

“Don't be a dork”
Ah hah, repeated!

An introduction to Life of Crime eh?

12-Aug-2013 09:53:31 - Last edited on 12-Aug-2013 09:56:18 by Azigarath

Azigarath

Azigarath

Posts: 9,271 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Oh what I am reading the epilogue now? I thought there was more story to go. People are sad and all boohoo, laughed at by Nyx. Abaddon lives and goes around killing people, and then the epilogue ends.

Part 2 begins on the last post of page 39, so there is indeed more story, but I suppose I’ll just post what I have for now. I’ll continue reading through the second part within a week, I hope. So, my final thoughts will have to wait until then, as right now it’s almost 2 am where I live and I should go to bed.

Well then, gute Nacht! (or guten Morgen, whichever you prefer)

12-Aug-2013 09:53:39 - Last edited on 12-Aug-2013 09:56:55 by Azigarath

Serene End
Jul Member 2020

Serene End

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Guten Morgen for me as I'm reading this in the mid-morning hours. How have you been feeling? Anyway, before I get to your words I will thank you once again, so danke! ^^ The worst story of them all -- though, looking back now I find it laughable how I was able to manage four stories in one year since I can barely fit one in two. Goodness, I must've had a lot of time on my hands. But let us march onward!

“Has a scar on his left eye, resembling a crescent moon.”
"Marcello’s last name sounds quite Arabic, is that scar a coincidence? In legend, the Holy Prophet, peace be upon him, flew a winged horse to the moon to cut it in half, hence becoming the symbol of his teachings. Or so that’s one version of it, I’m sure there are others."

Quite a coincidence, actually! xD And yes, you are right about his last name being of Arabic origin. I drew a rather crude picture of him and the scar I gave him resembled a crescent moon, so that's what I put down.

"“Upon the hilt of the sword is the Juleonlos' family seal.”
I’ll assume Janak Juleonlos’s family seal is described later, but if not, what is it like? Sarah Wolfsbane’s pendant has a similar issue."

I'm not sure if I gave an exact description. The Juleonlos' seal is basically two circles joining together. And... well, to be honest I can't remember Sarah's seal. xD Again, I would have to refer to those crudely drawn pictures of mine.

"“Visdin and Sarah were given a mission - to kill the Crimson Reaper. The next night, they found him.”
Well, that was fast."

Wasn't it? xD

Looking through, oh yes that is one tough dart. NO, you couldn't just assume that! It's like Raphael and the door... he opens the door and then proceeds to do it again. Like wut?

"The chapter title “A Dance with Death” has been used more than once by you,"

No, I don't have a chapter title like that anywhere else. I checked. Though, looking back -- I made some rather silly chapter titles.
The end
is only
the beginning...

12-Aug-2013 14:49:41

Serene End
Jul Member 2020

Serene End

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YES -- calling someone a dork is so underrated! Silly mother and step-father, Trix is for people that like needless violence! Maybe Raven is a stalker? WHO KNOWS!

"“From the ceiling was Nyx standing upside down like a bat.”
Not sure what that one means, I think “hanging upside down” would’ve fitted better."

Definitely, but well there's kinda no point of changing that now. I like preserving things in their original so I can go back and be like "wow, that was bad."

"“The two's swords collided with each other's blade, causing an almost blinding light.”
Steel on steel, especially edges, can cause sparks. There is then a magic explosion between the two, or something like that."

Yeah, I know. Though looking at that sentence... didn't I already reference that their blades were colliding? Why with the extra "blade"? ...Whatever!

"that people’s heads can be split in half from the top and a blade continuing down to the sternum."

Erm... ouch. O_o ...

His name is very sensitive to censor, yeah. Even now I can't say it! Ba'al! YES!

"“But the Raven Reapers wouldn't fall to the ground despite being hit, his scythe would just go through them without cutting.”
I don’t quite get this sentence, unfortunately. I feel sorry for the janitor, too."

Erm, hold on. Basically, I think... his scythe stabbed them and he's kinda—... yeah, I don't know. I'd have to find where that happens. It's always the janitor... tch, tch, tch.

"Villains have a tendency to trip whenever they run away."

Well, most are just guys hiding behind people. You know, people riding on top of high horse thinking they're better than everyone and use soldiers to do their bidding. But then they're cornered and well... yeah, you get the picture.
The end
is only
the beginning...

12-Aug-2013 15:10:11

Serene End
Jul Member 2020

Serene End

Posts: 5,834 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
"I feel that effective villains do more than just antagonize the characters, but also antagonize the reader. Your reader is important, too, and if you can get your reader to be driven by protagonists and antagonists, generally you will create an effect that lasts a long time."

'Tis something I intend with Fall From Grace, bringing the idea of racism and other issues to mind. Most people believe when, say a group of people of a different race acts a certain way, all others of said kind act that very way. Or perhaps some people of different races are supremacists. Of course, if you can relate, Balor himself to his core is just a guy who is willing to do anything for his sister -- the only thing he cares about. He wants to create a world for his sister. And just as stated, he hates humans because a group of them acted and nearly killed his sister and so he loathes them. In order to create this world he envisions for his sister, he had to kill a lot of people to get there. Now, think: would you do the same if you were that way to someone that you love?

I perhaps never got that feeling out there in my writing. This is of course something I will work on when I start to get to that point when I will start to write more earnestly. But anyway!

"Thinking about Marcello’s glasses, they seem to have stayed on his face all this time without ever falling off."

Glue. Magical, fictional tape and glue.

"““I can't stop my body from attacking!” she replied. “It's like it has a mind of it's own!””
I will admit, after reading this sentence, a few dirty thoughts popped in my head. I think the mind-control occurred pretty late. Anyways, “it’s” should be “its”."

You're horrible! xD And yeah, I know. No need to point it out. :P
The end
is only
the beginning...

12-Aug-2013 15:24:55

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