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~* Yrolg's Omnibus *~

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Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Crocefisso,
That's very interesting. I intended for the latter part of the poem to feel forced. It is the unorthodox verse style and irregularities in the latter half that help to reinforce the idea that the narrator and the speech were separate. It, in my opinion, helps to address the idea that the latter half of the poem is a nostalgic and imperfect item; it is the manifestation of insecurities in the mind.
Do you think that this is the case? Also, do you think that the first half of the poem is forced? (It was only intended for the second half).
And, lastly, do you have any suggestions for adding "substance" to the poem? In my opinion, it holds a great bound of ideas in it, but if you think that the themes expressed don't really evident substance, I'd love to hear your suggestions. :)
I appreciate your feedback!

19-Apr-2010 00:34:33

Yrolg

Yrolg

Posts: 25,296 Sapphire Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
The room was dark, its contents shrouded in the musky smell of forgotten memories. Of its two entries, one had ages of dust caked upon its hinges, its doorknob resembling more a key to a separate world than the simple brass instrument adorning an intricate mahogany door. Sitting but a few feet from a small marble table, and with curtains on either side, it was hidden away by the shadows of the long deserted abode. The terrazzo floor leading up to the decaying threshold was painted with an even layer of dirt and detritus that filled its styled holes. Though worn with use, the beautiful tile still recalled the glory of its former occupation. And it was with the vanity of this recollection that it bore the footsteps of an invisible man along the periphery of its domain.
When made, the footprints had blown the layers of dust upon the rest of the room, and disturbed the façade of perfection with which it would have otherwise been remembered. In their wake, they left marring scars of remembrance: an eternal token of the blemishes uncovered. They had stirred dust that had lain undisturbed upon the senescent room’s floor for centuries prior. And had any spectator the time and ability to gaze upon this unfortunate scene, so rampaged by the ravages of neglect and time, he should have seen that the vile aftermath of the footsteps’ path could not hope to compare to the great and putrid bundle of cloth at the base of the grime-covered window – a bundle which, every few seconds, would grow and shrink, and moan in agony.
But there was no spectator so privileged as to lay eyes upon this timeless scene. Instead, only the immortal eyes of the most patient beast gazed thereupon, its tail twitching as the sun began to set.

27-Apr-2010 04:29:38 - Last edited on 28-Apr-2010 21:35:04 by Yrolg

Amoraten

Amoraten

Posts: 2,774 Adamant Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
I have read only the first few posts of your thread and I will keep the remainder for the weekend when I have time to read.
This is a thread of exceptionally well-written stories :D

27-Apr-2010 23:30:23 - Last edited on 27-Apr-2010 23:30:54 by Amoraten

The Level

The Level

Posts: 8,999 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Your very first short story on this thread is easily my favorite tidbit of any literature on this forum. Though only 300 or so characters long, I just love it.
"I am your new king!"
=-= Level =-=

03-May-2010 03:35:14 - Last edited on 05-May-2010 13:41:49 by The Level

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