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~*~ TDT2: The Blood Debt ~*~

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Douglini

Douglini

Posts: 6,571 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Yep, read through all of this one now, too.
Is it just me, or does everyone want to steal Arwing and have her for themselves?
I like how you made Maston the best; he was always my favourite, and he even uses a mace: much more satisfying that a boorish sword/dagger.

The technique you use to recap past events is very clever. Flashbacks within the characters' minds reminds the readers what's happened, and also gives insight into the characters' mental state, their feelings and emotions.
One criticism would be that everyone seems to be very similar. They all hate Issavan; they're all conflicted over killing the kids but they all understand it needs to be done. There doesn't seem to be any real variety in how they feel.
Other than that, good stuff. I think I prefer Feel the Silence, but that might just be because it's new. This is still very good, and I look forward to more.

Remember to keep me notified on new adds. If you don't get time to go on Messenger then just post on my thread for Prevalence or send me a PM on RSBC letting me know you've added.

Take care, B.

21-Feb-2009 13:43:58

Mr Arrow500

Mr Arrow500

Posts: 1,139 Mithril Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Wow... What a great story. Congratulations Smeeze youve really done a nice job. I've Got 3 tips for you from a readers point of view though.
A.) I don't know if i missied something, but i cannot seem to remember you stating that Radium survived the ship crash. It is mildly confusing as one second, she is dead, then all of a sudden she is shot in the shoulder. You might want to add on a line or two saying that they found Radium unconcious or something.
B.) When using words like he or she, make sure it is clear who you are talking about. While this is a small detail, having to scroll back up to understand who is saying or doing something interupts the flow of the story.
C.) If you are planning on introducig the baby that you mentioned at the beginning of the TDT1, you should probably do it soon, or you might end up with one hell of a drawn out, long story.
Once again, congratulations. I look forward to reading the rest of this story and any more you have planned.

02-Mar-2009 02:35:58

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