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~The Treasure of Raduon~

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[#42J4VY9ZL]

[#42J4VY9ZL]

Posts: 20,624 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Overall, this is much better than ~TR~, but I'm sure you already know that.

POSTIVE THINGS-
•This is a pirate story that's true to its core. I attempted one, but it sort of changed into an Action-Adventure, with too many side-plots.

•The battle scenes are straight-forward, and obvious to see.

*The cliffhangers are exciting, as when the main character dove off a cliff, or when Uvedin delivered the mind-blowing inferno attack.

NEGATIVE THINGS-
•The battle scens are straight-forward. It'd be nice to add just *some* confusing manuevers so that us readers have to read it again and try to figure it out. It's fun to do that.

•Uvedin's power was overkill. We asked you why, and you promised an explanation. Until then, I'll list that as a fault.

•Some of the dialogue is perfectly reasonable for a character, while sometimes it just seems weird. I have some problems with the main character trying to sound all Jason-Bourne too soon.

07-Jun-2008 20:15:40

Aelfsaxa

Aelfsaxa

Posts: 7,357 Rune Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
A few mistakes earlier in the story, but I really like it so far.

I thought the "cannibal-infested island" joke was kinda funny, though it was executed in a semi-lame way, in my opinion. I'll try to point out the mistakes I found, however, let me re-read the parts and find 'em.

However, it's awesome so far. The plot is a bit weird and I find it a bit jumpy at times, but it's alright.

*Searches for those mistakes*
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"The Vanquisher and the Pyro were locked in titanic battle."

I think there should be an '*' in there, as in, "locked in A titanic battle."
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"He thought to himself, 'I can't let this man get an opportunity to chase after me, but I can't leave a corpse lying here. But maybe...' and with that thought, Joran bent the man's arm so far back that the bone snapped through the skin."

"But maybe...' and with that thought" sounds sort of not-right to me. I can't seem to place it, but there's something weird about this one.
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"Joran's heart pounded so fast and hard that it seemed each beat was a massive drum being hit with a club. Perspiration covered his entire body, and he was thoroughly exhausted from this chase. He continued dashing across rooftops, until he stopped at a ledge that had a drop off straight into the sea, about five hundred feet below. He turned back, his mind racing, debating whether to try to jump into the sea, or to go through the men chasing him. He decided that he had a better chance of survival with the sea, and so he leapt off of the edge. As he was about half way down, he felt an icy chill crawl up his spine as his nerves were temporarily paralyzed by some spell. He knew that if he was unable to move and maneuver himself into the right position, that the impact from hitting the water would most likely kill him. He was unable to move, and crashed into the water head first, going into unconsciousness."

Giant paragraph.
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~*~ Sokreshel, Platinum Member of the Writers Elite ~*~

07-Jun-2008 20:27:45 - Last edited on 07-Jun-2008 20:32:05 by Aelfsaxa

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