![[#42J4VY9ZL]](https://forums.rs/img/avatars/default.png)
Ok, I stopped at Chapter 1.
Joran sounds way too mechnical for my taste. It sounds kind of like a child show's host, except he's a grown man in peril sitautions.
"I am in a ship. My bruises healed. Bruises don't heal automatically in one day; I have been here for more than a week."
Then he stared at the dead bodies, unfazed, which further heightened my thoughts of him being a robot. The only real times I caught a small glimpse of being a real human and experiencing emotions, in this case fear, was when the Captain took him in.
You rushed the plot too fast for me to really enjoy it. Hellophil was right when he suggested lengthning Blackhand's death a bit more, or if he died really. You only really hinted he died when he jumped, but never directly said it. It'd be pretty cool if he actually survived somehow by some miracle.
Joran literally ran into the plot when he was caught by the pirates, by a post or two, but that's fine
.
What I have a problem is with this; Joran jumping 500 feet into the ocean. I saw a show where if you jump off a few stories into water, it's not the drowning that kills you, but the impact. No matter what position he gets in, the water will still hit him like, quite literally, a wall of cement and certainlly kill him. Plunging headfirst is really crazy to put in the chapter's ending. I suggest maybe landing on his side or back to implant a serious back or rib injury.
Your descriptions of the cities are brief, but with enough wording to make it sound beautiful. I could actually imagine Port Sarim and it's white sands, and blue oceans as people walked by on the stone sidewalks. I'd suggest just writing more about it to really get a feel of the cities, that's what I really want.
Also, can you describe the captain's ship more? I didn't really see anything in my mind, and just imagined right now a ship with ropes, anchors, glossy planks, etc.
Just my two-cents. You don't need to take it
.
Joran sounds way too mechnical for my taste. It sounds kind of like a child show's host, except he's a grown man in peril sitautions.
"I am in a ship. My bruises healed. Bruises don't heal automatically in one day; I have been here for more than a week."
Then he stared at the dead bodies, unfazed, which further heightened my thoughts of him being a robot. The only real times I caught a small glimpse of being a real human and experiencing emotions, in this case fear, was when the Captain took him in.
You rushed the plot too fast for me to really enjoy it. Hellophil was right when he suggested lengthning Blackhand's death a bit more, or if he died really. You only really hinted he died when he jumped, but never directly said it. It'd be pretty cool if he actually survived somehow by some miracle.
Joran literally ran into the plot when he was caught by the pirates, by a post or two, but that's fine
.
What I have a problem is with this; Joran jumping 500 feet into the ocean. I saw a show where if you jump off a few stories into water, it's not the drowning that kills you, but the impact. No matter what position he gets in, the water will still hit him like, quite literally, a wall of cement and certainlly kill him. Plunging headfirst is really crazy to put in the chapter's ending. I suggest maybe landing on his side or back to implant a serious back or rib injury.
Your descriptions of the cities are brief, but with enough wording to make it sound beautiful. I could actually imagine Port Sarim and it's white sands, and blue oceans as people walked by on the stone sidewalks. I'd suggest just writing more about it to really get a feel of the cities, that's what I really want.
Also, can you describe the captain's ship more? I didn't really see anything in my mind, and just imagined right now a ship with ropes, anchors, glossy planks, etc.
Just my two-cents. You don't need to take it
.
12-Feb-2008 02:41:34