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Thanks for the criticism, Snowbuster! I know what you're saying about too much description on gore. I just try to make it realistic as possible, but sometimes the overload of description on the blood can get boring.
I'll be sure to update you when I add more to it. I'm glad you liked that scene. It heavily forshadows.

09-Jul-2012 05:07:17

Well, I just reread the entire story. It was nice to notice improvements in all things, as well as using a few of my suggestions, which was a surprise as that doesn't happen often. Your use of words is fantastic, and despite being relatively young, you create stories that feel had been typed by someone in their twenties. Note that you should never get too wordy though.
You do have a lot of talent and will undoubtedly be, say, a dominant storyteller around here. I would not be surprised if you became an accomplished author in real-life.
"The pauldrons of the battlemage’s armor were massive, riding up his neck and protecting his throat from all directions."
I'm pretty sure a gorget would suffice, but I suppose the extra defence makes sense.
Hm, your main characters tend to have highly elaborated armour and weaponry all the time. It is clear they are of high status and wealth, but it would be balanced and diverse to have a low-status main character, too.
I enjoyed the combat, but it did feel a bit limited, and there was slight disappointment upon the demons' side of the fight; they just seem to walk into blades without any regard to personal safety. I can understand that they are aggressive and evil, but it is biological improper for a living creature to be unable to flinch or even attempt to dodge an attack. I am curious as to what the people will do with the corpses. It'd be pretty funny if they ate the dead demons
Of course, this was just the first taste of action, so I'm pretty sure there's much more that is planned. Unfortunately, I found your story's gore to be rather weak, or maybe because my own stories deal with so much macabre I'm just used to it. By gore I was kind of expecting things like demons digging their claws into the bowels of people and then ripping their spinal cords out their stomachs (of course this is a slight exaggeration).

09-Jul-2012 07:44:01

09-Jul-2012 07:44:17 - Last edited on 09-Jul-2012 07:47:18 by Azigarath

09-Jul-2012 07:44:26

"Your use of words is fantastic, and despite being relatively young, you create stories that feel had been typed by someone in their twenties. Note that you should never get too wordy though.
You do have a lot of talent and will undoubtedly be, say, a dominant storyteller around here. I would not be surprised if you became an accomplished author in real-life."
--Thank you for these comments. After reading them I was overjoyed. Really.
"It is clear they are of high status and wealth, but it would be balanced and diverse to have a low-status main character, too."
--The story is called 'The Highborn' and that is because most of the main characters are of a high status in society. The title also hints at something far more powerful, but that I'd rather not spoil.

"But a villain asking itself, 'what have I done?' is a bit of a cliché, hm? I've simply read that line so many times that it has lost its effectiveness for me."
--I think you're right here. I may change that. I didn't like it too much either, but I was trying to find a way to wrap it up.

"Speaking of the first assault, was it happening during nighttime? If so, then it's rather pointless for archers to be positioned above the walls, seeing as they wouldn't be able to see what they would be shooting at. If the assault occurred during daytime, then the above and below can be mostly ignored. "
--It was at nighttime, and I was thinking the exact same thing. It seems a bit unrealistic at how I put it (if it were in the dark evening). I'll definitely be changing that as well. Also, it is a fictional world, so the walls could be manned with both crossbowmen and regular archers.

"However, the demons are at a huge disadvantage against your main characters, seeing as they fight unarmed and are relatively useless against plate armour."
--I'm glad you noticed this, because that will change soon enough. The demons will become more adaptive than you realize.
Thanks again for the criticism. I love it.

09-Jul-2012 17:51:27 - Last edited on 09-Jul-2012 18:31:14 by Areno3

09-Jul-2012 18:32:38

10-Jul-2012 01:56:01

Hey Dyrn. Tell me what you think of the story when you get around to reading it. I love criticism, even if it is harsh.
Like I told Knark Fart on the Novelists' Guild, the idea of using a map for a story wasn't my idea. I would give that origin to J.R.R. Tolkien and The Lord of the Rings. But no, I won't think you a plagarist. Good luck with your story; I may check it out sometime.

15-Jul-2012 19:46:24