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-+^-±- Straightjacket -±-^+-
Quick find code: 49-50-158-60534373
Only had time for the first couple posts, but I started. Found one thing:
"As he passed got out of the car,"
- No 'passed', perhaps?
"His body was completely paralyzed, and he could feel himself drifting dangerously close to the edge of unconscientiousness."
- unconsciousness is what you're looking for.
Also, further along in the same paragraph, you use 'to' instead of 'too'.
"Some sort of switch in John's head turned on. This was survival, kill or be killed."
- I feel like this should've been earlier, like when he was being strangled.
"This was a moment he would later dwell on as he realized how easily he had been ready to take another man's life, how natural it had felt."
- To be blunt, this just kills the scene. It breaks the flow and takes the reader's attention away from the instant, the fight. Bring it up later.
In the post of the two above comments, you've got at least a couple typos. You might check that out.
"As he passed got out of the car,"
- No 'passed', perhaps?
"His body was completely paralyzed, and he could feel himself drifting dangerously close to the edge of unconscientiousness."
- unconsciousness is what you're looking for.
Also, further along in the same paragraph, you use 'to' instead of 'too'.
"Some sort of switch in John's head turned on. This was survival, kill or be killed."
- I feel like this should've been earlier, like when he was being strangled.
"This was a moment he would later dwell on as he realized how easily he had been ready to take another man's life, how natural it had felt."
- To be blunt, this just kills the scene. It breaks the flow and takes the reader's attention away from the instant, the fight. Bring it up later.
In the post of the two above comments, you've got at least a couple typos. You might check that out.
09-Mar-2010 00:48:27 - Last edited on 09-Mar-2010 08:43:49 by Chuk
Are more adds in the making?
14-Mar-2010 00:07:29
I see... I'll be waiting none the less.
14-Mar-2010 00:11:36
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