Characters and Development:
- Maybe you could play with the switch from being a regular Fremmenik to Zamorak’s son a little more – Put emotion into it. I mean, suddenly finding out you’re the son of a God is pretty big. Maybe at first he feels an impulse to go kill, then questions it, then gives in – you could add in some kind of internal struggle there.
- I don’t feel much emotion. He goes around killing people all the time – what does he feel like? Is he startled by his actions at first, repulsed, then feels overjoyed, excited, satisfied…what does he feel when he fights Sarah? Is he afraid? Confident. First person gives so many opportunities to get inside the character’s head, so you should capitalize on it.
- I like that he considers Jaldar and Zineryt his friends. – but maybe something make them closer…discussion outside of killing and destroying?
- Try not to overpower characters. It takes away from the realism of them – because some of the things your characters are doing are somewhat hard to believe.
- How did he just get to be Zamorak’s son? I don’t know if you were planning to reveal that at some point…But did his Relekkan parents take him in, or is son figurative, and Zamorak chose him to be this powerful person, or what?
Plot/Content:
- Things are moving a little quickly – we could have seen more of his life before, the story is just like ‘Okay now I’m evil and I kill people for fun.” – maybe have a whole chapter, like a day in the life, to emphasize the impact of suddenly becoming evil. Maybe from when he was younger, and he shows off violent tendencies or something…I dunno.
- The senseless killing and fighting is getting old, is there going to be any more plot to it than that? * It** repetitive.
- I like the banter and teasing between characters when they fight – always makes it more interesting. The taunts Saradomin and Zamorak throw at each other, and Zamak and Sarah too, it’s really funny.
16-Sep-2007 19:57:11
