- “I was dreaming about this very pretty girl roughly my age which is 16. My mom came up to my room and disturbed the silence.” – Show, don’t tell. – “I imagined long brown hair and dark copper skin, and her eyes, looking at me…” I dunno. I think it could be more interesting.
- ““Yes mom,” I said sulking.
After a rough day, I lied on my bed, sulking about all the hard work I had to do.” – try to use a variety of words to describe…Maybe scowled, frustrated, angry, upset…Again, this goes with repetition of words. This doesn’t flow badly, but, it could use more variety.
- “which was good because I was going to grab my father’s weapon, and kill everybody in Relleka, to be evil.” – Again with showing, not telling, you could build so much suspense with that. Have him take the sword and sneak out, but we don’t know why, then he suddenly stabs his mother and we’re like “OH!”
- Your simile of realization and a gnomeball – nice. I love when the similes relate to RS, too, it’s that much more creative. It was awesome.
- More setting description – what does hell look like? Describe the room he teleports to, you described his awe of the stars, now let him get a good look at his father’s home. Is it a cave, is it modernized, are there rooms or caverns, colors, random fires…?
- “All around, I saw a load of different armors, all of them looking nice.” – more. What kinds, what parts – mithril plates, rune legs, etc.
- ““Let me see,” I said, straining trying to find it.” – You could have more detail in the sensation of finding his magic. How does he find it? Does he run his senses through his body, what does it feel like when he finds it, is it warm/cold/tingly/painful, etc?
16-Sep-2007 19:54:13
