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Zamorak's True Son

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[#42J4VY9ZL]

[#42J4VY9ZL]

Posts: 20,624 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Karen looked around to find Demecrio on the ground, holding his arm in immense pain. “I didn’t even hear him though!” she exclaimed. “Of course stupid,” Jaldar said meanly. “You were too busy dodging the ones I was aiming at you.”
“Don’t think I’ll let you escape,” Jaldar said smirking. “You’re dead!” Karen cried as she took out a clear bow made out of crystal. She took the string, and pulled back, even when there was no arrow. Suddenly, an arrow with a radiating glow around it appeared all noc*ed and everything. She let it fly
My wound opened up and blood started quickly gushing out. Bad mistake to yell on my part. “Keep it cool mate,” he said. “Just leave it to me.” “Bah, I’ll kill you as well!” Sarah spat. “Who are you!?”
Page 13
“What are you talking about?” Saradomin asked Zamorak. “I think you know what the hell I’m talking about!” Zamorak snarled, his hand rising in heat as it was wrapped around Saradomin’* neck. “Oh, I know what you mean,” Saradomin said. He conjured his staff and shot a spell at Zamorak, knocking him down.
Suddenly, Guthix shielded both of them. “You’re getting on my nerves you two,” he said. “Zamorak, go to hell, now!” “Don’t step in the way of my revenge,” Zamorak spat. “Go home!” Guthix exclaimed teleporting him away.
He turned to Saradomin. “This is getting ridiculous,” he admitted. “Stop your petty fighting now!” “But he started it,” Saradomin said. “I don’t care who started. I have to always finish it! You can stop it, just don’t continue it!”
The black fire on the hilt fired off at Sarah, aiming right for her heart. Sarah dodged and tried to slice Farid. The black fire came back and protected him, melting Sarah’s sword. “Blast, I cannot win!” Sarah spat. “Time to die!” Farid exclaimed.

07-Sep-2007 03:09:39

[#42J4VY9ZL]

[#42J4VY9ZL]

Posts: 20,624 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Page 14
“Guthix, not you!” I exclaimed. He turned and was shocked when he saw me. “Zamak, is it you?” Guthix said, shocked to hear my voice. “It’s me, why do you ask?” “You’re the only one who understood my pain and suffering and you’re doing it! I cannot believe you. I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU!”
I was looking at his pain and suffering, yet I didn’t care because I was in pain. Suddenly, my wounds were healed and I got up. “Why did you help me?” I asked. “The reason is because you should learn from your mistake. Don’t change. Please just turn back to who you were before,” Guthix explained. “Don’t change,” he echoed as he disappeared.
Jaldar suddenly appeared from behind a tree. “How’d your fight go?” he asked holding his arm. “Pretty good,” I said, the barrier gone. Sarah was gone; Guthix probably teleported her away from us. “Farid,” I said turning to him. “Would you like to join us?” “No,” he said. “But I will come to help you fight whenever you’re in trouble. I can tell when an evil presence is being threatened.
I started walking away with Jaldar. “Thank you for your help.” “No problem,” Farid said as he disappeared.
I looked at Jaldar and he looked at me. “Time to destroy Seer's,” I asked. “Time to destroy Seer's,” he agreed.
Both Jaldar and I hid behind a tree while we talked about how we were going to destroy Seer's. “I’m tired though,” Jaldar admitted. “Let’s rest there and destroy it the next day.” “Have you lost your mind?” I asked. Jaldar looked at me funny. “No. Let’s just do it!” “Alright,” I said looking at him very weird.
We walked around the village to try to find an inn. “Where do we find one,” Jaldar asked even though he looked at a sign on a house that said “inn” on it. “Well, I don’t know. An inn might be in front of you. See the sign?” “Oh yeah,”

07-Sep-2007 03:10:09

[#42J4VY9ZL]

[#42J4VY9ZL]

Posts: 20,624 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Jaldar said scratching the back of his head.
We walk in and ask for two rooms. She gives us our keys and we go up to our rooms. After a long rest, Jaldar and I were ready to kill.
“Zamak,” Jaldar said while we were in my room. “How about instead of just slaughtering them, we get all their money and then kill them. We’d be rich that way.” I pondered on that idea. “I like it. We will try that.”
We went downstairs, with hidden knives in our pockets. I went up to the innkeeper, gave him the keys, and then darted behind him and put the blade to his throat. “Give us all your money and I spare your life!” Sweat appeared on her. She panicked, getting the money.
“Please let me live,” she said giving him the money. I cut her throat open, letting her blood drip all over the inn floor. “I never did like beggers,” I sneered. “Now, time for you people to die, and we’ll take your money with us!”
“Let’s get the hell out of here!” they all exclaimed. A box of ice surrounded them, stopping them from escaping. Suddenly, icicles fell like arrows into all of them, killing them on the spot. The ice disappeared and we grabbed the money out of each of their pockets. “I love this idea!” I said, smelling the gold coins as they jingled in a huge bag.

07-Sep-2007 03:10:21

[#42J4VY9ZL]

[#42J4VY9ZL]

Posts: 20,624 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Page 15
Karen was starting to run off to Seer's when Demecrio cried in pain. “You ok!?” she exclaimed. “Yeah,” he grunted. “Don’t go to Seer's. Zamak is destroying that town. Rush to Ardougne.” “Alright,” Karen said. “They will have their death eventually!”
Bouncing through trees, after a few hours, they arrive in Ardougne.
Page 16
“Reaper, how could you kill George!?” James exclaimed, completely unaware that I’m near him on the ground anymore.
“Yeah Reaper, James is right!” Dan said. “I cannot believe that you did that!” He shivered when the cheetah-speed though raced into his head. “Are you… a betrayer?”


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I stopped at the errors on like Page 16, so just to let you know there is much more grammar mistakes. Writin' up a review now.

07-Sep-2007 03:10:53

[#42J4VY9ZL]

[#42J4VY9ZL]

Posts: 20,624 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Spelling- 25/25- As Bebe said, this category is almost perfect; I think I saw a mistake or two, but I didn’t care to list them. It was meaningless.
Grammar- 10/25- I’m very sorry, but this was a very poor grade of yours. You constantly put several characters talking to one another in the same paragraph, when I saw Dreamweaver list out the proper way to do it. I’m sorry, but this is what I believe what I should give you.
Plot- 40/50- Your plot’s good; Zamorak’s true son named after him (Zamak), and how he must set out to do evil. BUT, that was the same thing that annoyed me about your story; Zamak did senseless killing and evil deeds for no reason. “Let’s go to Seers,” Zamak asked.
“Why?”
“Because I want to.”
That was the general feel for me, and I did not like it one bit. They killed many people for no reason; and his parents he felt no emotions?
Pace- 10/15- The pace was fast, too fast. They travel from city to city (Zamak, Jadar (Whatever his name is), and the Betrayer), and they kill people. Next! Repeat step 1. It was a poor grade also.
Characters- 20/35- This was another poor grade; I felt NO emotions, at all. Except for the occasional senseless anger, what are they feeling? George, Dan, John, they just realized that their friend betrayed them all along. And they immediately go into a battle without any explanation or dialogue?
Sarah; serious problem. The ONLY time I saw her be ‘real’ was when she snapped at her father. Otherwise, you see nothing in her at all. First she follows Saradomin’s Orders. She rebels for a second, then does whatever he wants her to do. You should really, really patch her up. She felt like a stiff stone to me.
The Betrayer- WHY did he help Jadar (Whatever his name is), and Zamak? Why? Jadar freezes him, and he suddenly whispers in Jadar*s ear and kills his friends? I find no sense in that, whatsoever.
CONTINUED ON NEXT POST

07-Sep-2007 03:24:03

[#42J4VY9ZL]

[#42J4VY9ZL]

Posts: 20,624 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Zamak- The main character, was a problem for me. The occasional anger for no reason, except for the last one (Where Jadar dies) and nothing else. You described nothing on how he felt like when he was slaughtering his hometown or Seers.
The only people that emotions were shown were the Gods; Zamorak being cynical, Saradomin having a stride in his step, and Guthix being an annoyed deity.
Overall- 105/155- I heard a lot of praise and recommendations for this story over the past months Mb, but sadly, I saw very little in it. I do agree with Dreamweaver that you do improve gradually in your writing talent; but in some aspects you lack knowledge of how to do it right. For example, you didn’t describe how beautiful Seer*s Village was, and how afterwards there was nothing; no stray dog howling, or a child crying for relief. I’m sorry, but your story does not qualify for the Tales of the Tavern.
-Smurfie Blurfie©
P.S- I hope that we can still remain colleagues and that this has not offended you in anyway.

07-Sep-2007 03:24:52 - Last edited on 07-Sep-2007 03:32:23 by [#42J4VY9ZL]

Venmi

Venmi

Posts: 14,744 Opal Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Obilisk! I got a review from a good reviewer and what do I get from my readers, this? Be supportive of me, and please don't contridict the reviews I get, for hey, it's his opinion, his reviews, so I, and I hope my readers, can respect that. Thanks for the review Smurfie!
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07-Sep-2007 19:32:04

[#QBACX7X26]

[#QBACX7X26]

Posts: 6 Bronze Posts by user Forum Profile RuneMetrics Profile
Hello im back i was Loser1544 but got hacked on a false website..Please keep up the good work dude ur story is the only reason i get on this site.

Winner1544,Previously Loser1544 :(

08-Sep-2007 00:02:33 - Last edited on 08-Sep-2007 00:03:04 by [#QBACX7X26]

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