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~~Brotherly Love~~

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Azigarath

Azigarath

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yeah, sorry about that. I understand a bit more now, after all we all are different with opinions and stuff like that.
Now that I think even more, maybe it's not a choice, but rather what a person is by birth, unless someone's born bi, then maybe it's a choice.
oh well not too important that's just me. Guess we're born to be what we are.
Well, that's all for now, until next time.

25-Mar-2011 23:01:19

Englishkid62

Englishkid62

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No need to be sorry :) . We are all entitled to our own opinions. And whether by birth or choice ... neither is proven. So I guess in essence this story's message is that we don't *really* know, and so we should stop applying our judgment on things that are not proven, particularly concerning the internal workings of another mind, which we know little of.

25-Mar-2011 23:52:52

[#KTGDNKTPA]

[#KTGDNKTPA]

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Hey English. Sorry for the delay in reading, but I've been occupied the last few days. (And I will be for the coming weekends too so don't get your hopes up yet ;) ) I'll not go into specifics anymore, but I'll still mention things that stood out for me.
"Being the keeper of a terrible secret certainly helped his confidence, and it made him restless, and impossible to sleep. He replayed the whole scene in his mind, his heart throbbed with excitement as he once again recalled every detail, every word that was said in the room. Though the details of the event never changed, his perception of it would, in the coming years, and so too would its meaning and its significance, as he began to realise that it was not the act, what his brother did, that mattered. What he saw was Edward, in love, and that was all there was to it, even though Ronny had yet to experience and understand what it meant to give up oneself completely for the love of another. He couldn’t have conceived it to be this way then. He was too young, too ignorant in the ways of the world. -
That was the simple truth he’d failed to grasp that evening, that it was an affair of the adult world and therefore none of his business. Over the years, he has learnt to see from the same event what Edward was, rather than what he did. But at the time he felt the experience mustn’t be forgotten. It was something he could use, whenever the time came and this piece of information was required. He perceived it was so. As he drifted into sleep that night, he had no idea what awaited him on the next day, or what lurked in the shadow of his heart."
I felt this was more of a space filler than it actually contributed to the story. I would have preferred a more concise and clear description of what Ronny was thinking, because the message is a little flooded by the amount of words used.

26-Mar-2011 18:32:44

[#KTGDNKTPA]

[#KTGDNKTPA]

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"Even when at last he finally reached his mother’s room, and he told her how terrible his day had been, she only muttered to herself that it would all be over soon."
That last bit sounds a bit heavy and ahem, as if Ronny is going to die soon. Is that intentional?
"It was a phase, the King believed, because he’d experienced some of the same feelings in his youth, though with some discouragement from his family the feelings soon subsided and he was ashamed of the things he did, the thoughts he had and the things he wanted to do. It must have been a phase, because for him, it came and went. -
He knew this wasn’t something that happened to all teenagers, but he dreaded the same to happen to one, if not both of his sons. If there were such feelings at all, it was a phase, because his own experience told him this was so, and therefore this must be the case for everyone else too who felt the same, especially Edward because he was his son. It was a phase and it would pass."
WTB synonyms for phase :)
"The King was still to recover his cool"
Still as in not moving or still as in yet? Maybe change the wording to make that clear.
My overall thoughts of this chapter: The beginning was a bit tedious, that was a shame, but it got better as I got closer to the end of the chapter. I like this chapter a lot because you fleshed out Edward (Finally! :P ) but what I did not like at all was that you gave a lot of hints to how Ronny would think about these events in the future. By giving that away, we will already know what sort of person Ronny will become (sort of) so a lot of the surprise in what characters can do in the future is broken down here.

26-Mar-2011 18:44:24

Englishkid62

Englishkid62

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“I felt this was more of a space filler than it actually contributed to the story. I would have preferred a more concise and clear description of what Ronny was thinking, because the message is a little flooded by the amount of words used.”
--In light of where you are at in the story, I will not explain this just yet. But it will be explained the further along you go.
“That last bit sounds a bit heavy and ahem, as if Ronny is going to die soon. Is that intentional?”
--‘It would all be over soon’ can be interpreted in many ways, I suppose.
“but what I did not like at all was that you gave a lot of hints to how Ronny would think about these events in the future. By giving that away, we will already know what sort of person Ronny will become (sort of) so a lot of the surprise in what characters can do in the future is broken down here.”
--Actually, I kinda disagree. I can’t remember a single reader who told me from this point it is predictable, or the surprises later in the story is somehow broken down by these revelations which serves their purpose, and they are completely justified later in the course of the story. I won’t explain them now, but they were given a lot of thought and were intended to be part of the design.
This will make sense. If you finish the story and return to this chapter, it will. Trust me :P

26-Mar-2011 22:25:02 - Last edited on 26-Mar-2011 22:35:16 by Englishkid62

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